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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband brought colleague home overnight

245 replies

pinkdata · 25/08/2024 09:10

My husband started a new job this year where he works night shift at a hospital. He normally comes home when I'm already deeply asleep. This morning he informed me that one of his colleagues was asleep on the sofa. Apparently she couldn't find her house keys and he offered she'd stay with us. I'm not super happy with that because 1) I have never met her, 2) we have small children and I don't feel comfortable having a complete stranger in my house, especially while I'm asleep. AIBU to think she should have tried staying with friends/family or called a locksmith? My husband said she has extremely bad mental health issues and he was concerned for her, which I do empathise with. She's still asleep on our sofa now...

OP posts:
SaintHonoria · 26/08/2024 00:08

'My husband said she has extremely bad mental health issues'

Then he should have helped her get a hotel
for the night, not bring her to the family home for the night!

I'd have come downstairs and slung her out.

dystopiaisonus · 26/08/2024 00:07

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dystopiaisonus · 26/08/2024 00:05

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theduchessofspork · 26/08/2024 00:04

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I think you should go to bed.

There is no sneaking, and I doubt there ant cool wives here either.

theDudesmummy · 25/08/2024 23:58

Her health problems, as I have said upthread, make her more worthy of generosity and consideration, not less. As she is working, her health issues cannot be incapacitating. Exactly what do you think she is going to do whike she is sleeping off her presumably tiring shift on the couch? Compassion seems to have gone out of the window these days.

dystopiaisonus · 25/08/2024 23:57

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dystopiaisonus · 25/08/2024 23:52

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theDudesmummy · 25/08/2024 23:41

I find this thread profoundly depressing on the whole tbh.

theDudesmummy · 25/08/2024 23:35

I sometimes think some people live in a very different world from me.

theDudesmummy · 25/08/2024 23:34

She is not a "random woman ", but a known colleague in a spot of bother. He's not bequeathed her his estate ffs, he's offered her a spot on the couch for a few hours after a night shift. What is wrong with people? Why would you even care?

Sunsetbeachhouse · 25/08/2024 23:30

To all the liars on here pretending they would be fine with random woman sleeping on their sofa that their hubby brought home...stop chatting shit!

theDudesmummy · 25/08/2024 23:23

I don't understand why people keep mentioning the children. Wholly irrelevant. The only effect this would have on them is to demonstrate that we always try to help people who need our help. What the hell do you imagine this woman is going to do? If your kids can't cope with someone staying overnight at your house that is a problem in my book. Not the way I would ever have raised mine. We often had people staying, whether scheduled or not. They have grown up to be generous and hospitable people.

DeliciousApples · 25/08/2024 23:05

If it were me at the very most I'd have asked for a lift to my pals house. Or my relatives house. Why did she need a male colleague to help her out? Why doesn't she have friends/family? That's a bit unusual that she had nobody to help her in an emergency. And nobody who holds her spare key.

It was nice that your DH helped her. But I'm wondering why she let him?

GoldPlayer · 25/08/2024 22:45

Your husband sounds nice, I wouldn't have a problem with it myself

nightisyoung · 25/08/2024 22:36

And to add, if I was the colleague and a married colleague with kids offered me to stay at his I would decline. I would not feel comfortable not knowing you (his DP) and knowing there are kids at home and how this would potentially make you feel. She probably didn't feel this way seeing as she has mental health issues so if I was you, this would be my concern as he has now made it ok for him to help her. I think they both crossed a boundary here where he has allowed work to come into his personal life. That may sound harsh but my kids come first always if I don't know that person. Extremely uncomfortable imo.

nightisyoung · 25/08/2024 22:31

SauviGone · 25/08/2024 09:59

I wouldn’t be happy about this and certainly wouldn’t be hiding out upstairs keeping quiet while she’s still asleep on the sofa at this time in the morning.

They finished work at 11pm. That’s not a night shift and I’m guessing they were back at yours for midnight.

She should be up and gone by now. I’m also a bit Hmm that she had no other options, only your DH could possibly help, mental health issues, blah blah.

I’d watch this one. Sounds like the start of a “knight in shining armour” infatuation/ego stroke scenario.

Exactly this.

eggandchip · 25/08/2024 20:48

Sounds like a lot on here dont trust their husbands.

Catandsquirrel · 25/08/2024 20:45

This incident in isolation, absolutely fine.

Sounds like there might be a bit more to your husband's behaviour though longer term.

I think appropriate to say 'you did the right thing offering a colleague a bed for the night in an emergency.

However, I'm getting echoes of what happened with (the woman you mentioned) where you got over involved trying to be help her.

Please can you ensure you're keeping appropriate boundaries in place this time so this isn't becoming a regular thing?

She sounds like she needs a proper source of support. That isn't you'.

cornucopiaoflove · 25/08/2024 20:07

Redburnett · 25/08/2024 09:46

Personally I would not be at all happy if my DH did something like that. My suspicious mind would suspect she was 'trying it on' with your DH.

You obviously don't trust your husband then.

cornucopiaoflove · 25/08/2024 20:05

dreamer24 · 25/08/2024 09:23

Nah I wouldn't like this. Imagine the opposite way around? My DH would be equally unhappy to come downstairs with our toddler to a random man on our sofa. And I wouldn't blame him.

A lone woman who is mentally unwell is very different to you bringing home a bloke. Come on.

cornucopiaoflove · 25/08/2024 20:05

What do you think a working, desperate woman who is mentally not quite where she wants to be, is going to do with your children?

I couldn't ever turn someone in that position away. He could've pre warned but you'd have been asleep anyway.

Shes probably incredibly grateful. I hope you didn't make her feel uncomfortable.

AnonyLonnymouse · 25/08/2024 19:55

No, I am saying that part of being a fully-grown adult is to take responsibility for yourself, if at all possible. Everyone has things going on in their life, so imposing on someone else should not be done lightly.

When people really need help or support then I am there - for example when a friend told me something in tears on a morning school run - I dropped everything that I had planned for that day (work, plans etc) to drive her home and talk with her for as long as she needed.

But a set of lost keys? I would generally expect an adult to be able to sort that out amongst their immediate family and friends (or by booking a locksmith), especially now that almost anything can be done on a phone.

pinkhooves · 25/08/2024 19:42

EI12 · 25/08/2024 09:50

Woman has no boundaries, I would nip it in the bud. Also, his 'saviour' drift is disconcerting. This is how affairs usually start.

Was coming to say the same

CandleSock · 25/08/2024 19:21

AnonyLonnymouse · 25/08/2024 16:31

Unless the colleague was very young (under 25) or on very low pay, then she should have taken responsibility for the situation herself and phoned a locksmith asap. That’s why they work 24 hours. Or, if she really didn’t want to spend the money and thought that the keys were likely to be at home, she should have called a close friend or family member and taken the risk of annoying them rather than imposing on a male colleague and his family.

I am not unsympathetic as I write from the perspective of finding myself locked out in central London, aged 22, with none of my flatmates due home for an entire weekend! I was young and idiotic but in a real pinch as I had no money, no means of payment and no information (it was well before the days of mobile phones!). However, I at least tried to solve the problem by myself (for an entire 10 hour day) before imposing on someone else (a close friend was due to come around that night so I met her outside my building). And I have been pretty careful with my keys ever since as that was a lesson that I didn’t forget in a hurry!

On the whole I do think that fully-grown adults should first try to solve their own problems (even if it costs money) and a lot of threads on Mumsnet would be avoided if people stuck to that basic principle.

Nobody help you, so other people shouldn't get help either? Nah.

SunQueen24 · 25/08/2024 17:52

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 25/08/2024 09:14

It’s a bit of a shock to wake up and be told that someone is unexpectedly sleeping on your sofa. Other than that, I can’t get worked up about it tbh

Yes that.

Our door is often open to friends and families who are having a rough patch. I wouldn’t be quite as cool about a random colleague but one night on the sofa wouldn’t bother me too much.

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