Doing someone a favour shouldn't inconvenience someone else.

You need to work on this.

I remember (years ago), a poster on here had tickets for something at the London Olympics. They had some relatives visiting from Australia (but were staying with someone else) and her Mum had offered the Australians her tickets. The Mum was in the habit of being generous with other people’s things and was outraged when she said that she would be using her tickets herself.

There was someone else who was cross that her mum kept offering her services (something legal / tax related) to randoms for free. Her telling them that she had too much paying work on was embarrassing, apparently.

Ahhhhhhh... yes my sister does this. It is now somewhat limited, at least in my case, now my physical mobility is reduced significantly so I can't actually do a lot of the things she used to volunteer me to do - she tries to offer my DP instead though, or offer to do things that then involve him (and then asks ME if he'll do it, I dunno, he's his own person, she has his number!).

Infuriating!

Oh my god, exactly how my ex-husband family is. My sil particularly will always offer to drive her neighbours to hospital appointment even if it is inconvenient and complained about it saying that their sons or daughters should do it. She could say no, but they are rich. She's even helped the man that abused her when she was young, the mother knew about it but did not report him to the police. I really can't get my head around it.

For me it's always the skills and/or inclination that she doesn't have, she hears that somebody needs them and jumps in to offer to fix whatever it is. I can remember giving up my weekend to go and run a course on a subject I don't even know that much about. Not just once but twice! Never again.

This is all about her doing whatever garners her the most attention/ praise/ validation/ whatever else she needs to fuel her ego, and using others (her mum for example) to get it.

She doesn’t get the ego kick she needs from her children and her mum or you. She gets it from others who don’t know her game, so take her at face value.

My MIL is like this. I saw it immediately and didn’t hesitate to tell her “oh, you didn’t ask me, sorry I have to leave” - and left. She never tried it again and in her eyes I’m “unreliable”, have got my priorities wrong, don’t understand about faaaamily. I’m totally fine with that.

Have you told her directly what you think about this? What did she say?

Sorry wrong thread but I can’t delete the picture!

She likes the attention.

I think alot of people doing good works are like this but just don't see the bigger picture or take the support they have for granted. You need to be firmer with your boundaries if you are up for the fall out.

This is all about her very selfish ego.
No point at all in having a conversation about it.
It is who she is.
What you can do is not be available and be very firm on that.

My friend had a mother who was very similar to this and she tried to impose on her, even though she had children and worked full-time.

She infuriated my friend by volunteering her professional skills.

She took to referring to requests as "mother's ego runs" and refused to be involved when her sister tried to guilt her once.

Step away with "doesn't suit".

So you're jealous? Stop being a childcare worker for her and leave her to it, it doesn't have to concern you other than the childcare bit

My Mum has form for this. "Oh yes, Lying will write that letter for you..." - and then I get asked to do this 'favour'. So annoying.

The narcissist label gets thrown around a lot, but communal narcissism is an interesting one to read up on.

My mother is always offering people lifts even though she doesn't drive. She expects her husband to do the driving while she gets the credit for the "kind offer".

Not the point of the thread but why are people saying “Oh the childcare provider will charge her?” The inconvenience to them isn’t solved with money..it may have a knock on effect on their home lives too ( you can tell my friend is a childminder!)

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It IS performative.

She gets all the adoration and praise for all the stuff she volunteers for - meanwhile, in the back and out of sight, other people are doing the grunt work.

She's not daft is she!😉

I agree there is something performative about it. I think you just have to start saying no to her. Just be busy when she asks.

What is there to commend when you actively offer yourself up to help other people and prioritise that over your responsibility to your children?

It's selfish behaviour, possibly there is a hint of narcissism in there to, "look at me, aren't I helpful/generous/selfless, tell me how wonderful I am."

She will go out of her way to offer someone a lift after work but this then holds her back from letting her childcare back by half an hour

Not quite sure what/who this affects-do you mean she’s late getting back to collect her kids? Hopefully if that’s to a childminder, they will charge her. If it’s you, I would be having a go and saying I won’t look after your kids any more if you put me out like that.

Yep. You gotta hold your boundaries (with compassion, because she probably doesn’t mean to do it, but she needs to learn)

Not the situations you refer to no. I also have little patience if any with people who cannot plan ahead, 99% of whom don't have any form of neurodiversity that inhibits this.