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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable or is MIL

137 replies

DJW62 · 25/08/2024 00:02

Long story short because my blood is absolutely boiling!!

so not so long ago my MIL was looking after my DS on my working day as is agreed with us. I go to pick my DS up after work fully expecting to take my child home with me (obviously!) only to be told that I cannot take him home with me (rexcuse me?!) that they (MIL and SIL) had made plans to take him out for super with his cousin and I could come back later to pick him up. I could tell my DS was looking forward to this so I say nothing. However later that evening I send my MIL a polite message saying “nothing wrong, but in future can you please ask or make sure i know of any plans you have with DS because we did actually have a nice evening planned” My MIL went CRAZY in response to this message, “how dare i disrespect her like that, how dare I, she always does her best for the children, she always knew i hated her, im upsetting everyone, making her husband ill” blah blah blah the craziness went on and on and i was made out to be someone awful simply for asking politely to be informed of where my child would be?! So AIBU here for daring to ask such a thing?!

OP posts:
Original poster
DJW62 · 25/08/2024 12:09

Skybluepinky · 25/08/2024 12:00

The joys of not paying for child care.

Apparently so!

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 25/08/2024 12:00

The joys of not paying for child care.

ShyMaryEllen · 25/08/2024 11:53

Screamingabdabz · 25/08/2024 00:57

So you’re completely right and she’s completely wrong. That’s it isn’t it op? That’s what you want everyone to say to ease your conscience? The fact is you use her for free child care but only begrudgingly and on your terms and you were pissed off that your son was looking forward to something she’d organised. You didn’t need to send that text but you did because you do hate her and you wanted her to be upset as you. YABU.

I think this is an extremely one-sided version of events, but no more so than the OP, which is equally biased. As usual when we have one side of the story, the truth lies below the surface. As a result, it is all but impossible to give a useful answer to 'AIBU' in cases like this, but as often as not that's not what's wanted, is it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/08/2024 11:42

Where’s your husband in all of this?

CasaBianca · 25/08/2024 11:38

What were your plans, OP?
A bit different if you had bought tickets to take him somewhere or if you special plans were just that you had planned to watch a movie with him, ie could easily be done another time.
Similarly the wasted journey, depends if you waster 1h of your time or 15min.

Soonenough · 25/08/2024 10:22

Probably offended embarrassed and felt reprimanded. Overreacted for sure and that's unfortunate and she now feels beleaguered by you and your DH . Let the dust settle.

Original poster
DJW62 · 25/08/2024 10:10

Soonenough · 25/08/2024 10:03

Did you really have important alternative plans ? Or did you just want to set boundaries? I doubt MIL deliberately sabotaged anything . Should have given you notice if a long journey though . Really not a hill to die on . Just for one moment think of it from her perspective. This is her grandchild who she is giving free child care to and she was taking him out with family. You chose to text her like she was your employee .

No they were not important but we did have plans. Im not saying she deliberately sabotaged anything. I have tried to think of it from her perspective and i can just never imagine doing that or reacting like she did. Like i said no issue with taking him out, its the not knowing and the strange reaction to asking to be informed.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 25/08/2024 10:10

She is being irrational and far too emotional about this.
You are his parents and should be consulted and not told about new plans. At the very least asked before you set off to collect him.

Stop using her for childcare. DH needs to have a stern word about her behaviour and tell her that she is the one creating a problem not you.

jannier · 25/08/2024 10:04

DJW62 · 25/08/2024 00:46

Im more perplexed and in shock tbh but yes perhaps there is something not right there, she has been known to overstep a lot of boundaries in the past but i suppose this is the first time i’ve ever really called her out on it just to keep the peace… perhaps im only just getting to know her.

Show quote history

So there is a backstory

Soonenough · 25/08/2024 10:03

Did you really have important alternative plans ? Or did you just want to set boundaries? I doubt MIL deliberately sabotaged anything . Should have given you notice if a long journey though . Really not a hill to die on . Just for one moment think of it from her perspective. This is her grandchild who she is giving free child care to and she was taking him out with family. You chose to text her like she was your employee .

dystopiaisonus · 25/08/2024 09:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

CatherineofAmazon · 25/08/2024 09:50

She’s crackers!
She hasn’t got the right to tell you you can’t take your own child home and then to go off it when you address it politely is just batshit crazy.
I would definitely be looking for alternatives to her looking after him.
Great your husband has your back too. Often that doesn’t happen.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 25/08/2024 09:49

Wondering why you weren’t included in the supper invitation and were expected to go away and return afterwards? 🧐

Thursdaygirl · 25/08/2024 09:38

Definitely find paid childcare, your MIL is way too complicated

ellenpartridge · 25/08/2024 09:37

The MIL is batshit crazy and I would seriously want nothing to do with her. Yanbu and actually sound relatively tolerant tbh!

Brefugee · 25/08/2024 09:31

if it happens again and you really do have plans, take DC home as planned and remind him that he had a prior commitment.

Use paid for childcare so it doesn't happen again.

Original poster
DJW62 · 25/08/2024 09:30

DH has actually told her that she is being silly, that she is causing upset simply because i wanted to know of any plans before I wasted a journey to pick him up at the usual time. She then turned on DH saying we are turning against her and she is always doing her best! We’ve tried to explain that no one is turning against her 😫

OP posts:
Sheeplesss · 25/08/2024 09:28

She sounds absolutely unhinged.
No it is not normal to tell a mother collecting her child that other plans have been made so she should come back later.
Absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable.

Her free childcare has become too expensive.
Put your child in paid care.
I wouldn't send my child to her again.
She really sounds unhinged.

This hasn't just happened today?
What have you done since?

Worriedmummy2400 · 25/08/2024 09:22

How absolutely ridiculous of MIL. What does your dh say? Can he go have a word so you are an united front?

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 25/08/2024 09:16

Honestly, whether you spoke to her in person or by text, sounds like she’d have reacted in the same aggressive way. Wouldn’t beat yourself up about that too much. You said she sent even worse messages after you apologised for upsetting her. How bad were they? On the plus side, there’s a paper trail to the conversation you had. Btw what has your partner said about his mother’s behaviour? You might have said already and I missed it.

What I would do is find alternative, paid childcare going forward. I wouldn’t want someone who behaves like that spending too much time with my child.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/08/2024 09:15

I'd have texted back to say stop being crazy.

Thursdaygirl · 25/08/2024 09:13

She should've checked with you. He is your child not hers. Free childcare or not, she doesn't get to dictate when you can take him home. She also should not have told him what her plans were.

This!

Original poster
DJW62 · 25/08/2024 09:10

Its not the actual her making plans without me knowing that has upset me most, things like this have happened, its just her reaction when i finally stood up for myself has left me 🤯🤯. And again she is not used, this is on her terns what she wanted to happen, but yes we will certainly be going back to our original plan of paid care.

OP posts:
Inertia · 25/08/2024 09:09

YANBU.

Of course your mil should have contacted you beforehand to check whether the change in plans was OK.

If mil providing childcare is going to generate this level of upset, it would be better to go back to a paid childcare setting.

WakingUpInBlood · 25/08/2024 09:09

Screamingabdabz · 25/08/2024 00:57

So you’re completely right and she’s completely wrong. That’s it isn’t it op? That’s what you want everyone to say to ease your conscience? The fact is you use her for free child care but only begrudgingly and on your terms and you were pissed off that your son was looking forward to something she’d organised. You didn’t need to send that text but you did because you do hate her and you wanted her to be upset as you. YABU.

You sound like an insane person.