Am I unreasonable or is MIL

Time for a lunch date with mil and get to the bottom of this. Sounds like Queen Bee doesn’t want to be challenged but maybe she was just having a bad day. Nta

No more childcare 😓

Seriously, sometimes MIL 🤷🏼‍♀️ this one is something. Pay childcare, invoke whatever reason you need to. Stay away and it is your partner that bresks the news to her.

This is how you dare 🫣

Nah she sounds like a whack job.

@DJW62

This has always been how MIL is, no asking just telling me what she would be doing with my child. Ive always been vocally ok with it, but it has always made me feel very uneasy. And now ive finally opened my mouth and all hell has broken loose. She has made me feel like i am never again supposed to dare ask her about anything to do with my child, i am to just shut up and accept it.

^^^

It's sounds like she's treating like a child.
Do as you're told and don't you date answer me back.

What was her relationship with your dh like growing up?
Did she bully him?

You're a fully grown woman- she seems to have missed that ....

Yes, all in front of ds as she ranted and argued.

Yes, we have a relationship now. After 2 and a bit years it was dh who contacted her on her milestone birthday (with my encouragement...life's too short and all that) and asked if she'd now like to put everything behind us and move on, but that this was the one and only time he'd contact her to ask it. She agreed and came over.

I restarted our relationship on a completely different footing. No more rolling my eyes in private whilst letting her get away with telling us she was doing xyz or overstepping, for a quiet life. The first time she did it - within days - she told me she was going to take ds for lunch at the weekend. I raised my eyebrow and said really, I don't remember us agreeing to that, did we discuss it and I forgot? She bit her tongue so hard she turned purple and said through gritted teeth she'd like to take him and was it OK?

Since then (about 10 years ago) we're still talking but I am very, very careful never to let her take control for an easy life.

Just wanted to say I believe you in entirety OP because I am in the same situation with my SiL. I had to send her a message as we don't live locally at all and phoning wasn't an option either. I was very careful with my wording and empathised the gentle tone in which it was intended and she went absolutely batshit and attacked me repeatedly via multiple messages, phone calls and even a letter. It's the first time I've ever dared to (politely!) disagree with her in 10 years and her response absolutely threw me. But now I feel like I've seen the real her. This was nearly a year ago and having seen how viciously she attacks I very much keep my distance. Personally even if I received a message that upset me there's no need to go for people's vugulars in response.

I think your plan of using formal childcare again is a good one, it's a clear communication of your boundaries and what you are and aren't willing to tolerate in your relationship with MiL. Good luck!

I would definitely be using alternative child care from now on, Your mil was rude and thoughtless in not asking you about this, it's just common courtesy, one text message was all it required. She knows she has overstepped the boundary, only she knows why she thought this appropriate. She's having a tantrum because she's been rightfully called out. I'm wondering why your Fil couldn't message you? Maybe he assumed his wife had already made arrangements with you, as would be the appropriate thing to do, by most normal peoples standards where children are concerned. Might it be prudent going forward to use Fil, as your first point of contact, for future family engagements? Maybe your husband could broach the subject with his Dad, so as to avoid further hysterics from his mother, although she may not like having the control taken from her, and react badly again, but then you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

Sounds like a common or garden bully. You set a boundary, they attack so you don't feel able to do it again. Slough off any guilt and recognise this is abusive behaviour on her part.

OK, that’s very confusing then. Perhaps you could try speaking privately to FIL to try to find out what the problem is.

How old is ds? How far do you live from mil? Does she have a mobile phone and do you have access to yours in the day? Did you really have a nice evening planned?

I don't know why mil and sil didn't message you to say 'we want to take ds out for dinner, pick up later, is that ok?' or ask you to come along too

I wouldn't text to express unhappiness as it blows up like this, but she was being unreasonable in the first place

YANBU in this instance. But there must be more to it than this, that you haven't told us, for her to go off on one like that.

@FinallyYouSaid
Well done you.
All this in front of your ds?
What a loon...
Do you have a relationship with her now ?

A conversation might have gone down better than a text but I don't think the request was unreasonable. Very odd of her to let you travel to her house after work knowing that she would send you away when you got there.

its just her reaction when i finally stood up for myself has left me 🤯🤯

Typical control freak behaviour imo. They don't like being told no or even asked politely not to do xyz - and when they experience it for the first time they stamp their feet and throw a tantrum.

I always has a friendly enough relationship with MIL. I am VERY laid back and easygoing generally. There were many occasions when eldest dc was younger where she somewhat overstepped, but it wasn't a huge deal or deal breaker issue so I said nothing. We got on fine, never a cross word.

The first time I ever told her no, about 8 years into our relationship, all hell broke loose. She was at ours, had just popped in for a visit and said 'oh I'm going to take ds (age 3) to x Park (20 minute drive away) we'll be back in a couple of hours' - she had a habit of telling us things rather than asking which I generally ignored. I said oh sorry you can't - my sister is coming soon, she wants to see ds to give him his gift because she's away on his birthday.

She was instantly indignant and TOLD me that they'd still go but just for ten minutes then. I held my temper, said no, sorry, my sister could arrive at any minute so ds needs to stay here, it will have to be another day.

Well, if I did. She insisted. Argued. Then shouted. Kept on and on and on. I was totally bemused and tried my best to calm her down but stayed firm. She then tried to take ds's hand and walk out of the door which was the dealbreaker moment for me. I still stayed as polite as possible but told her in no uncertain terms that this was MY child not hers, I decided where he went or did not and that it wasn't open to discussion.

She picked up her bag, left, and went nc with us all (including dh who wasn't even home) for two years.

A wise decision to go back to paid childcare and keep it all professional.

I’m usually on the side of the person providing free childcare in these scenarios but not this time.

Your mil sounds as though she has the maturity of a fifteen year old to extrapolate all of those conclusions about you hating her from one reasonably polite text message.

She doesn’t sound entirely stable.

It was also rude of her not to include you in the invitation, and to have wasted your time through a wasted trip.

It almost sounds like she is trying to push you out of the way and take your dc out as her own “accessory”.

Also, one of my bugbears is people promising dc things there and then and springing it on you as the parent. It’s always better, and more respectful to the parent, to run it past them in private beforehand so they can no if they want to, and that way the dc is not disappointed. .

What is up with MN tonight! All these bonkers replies. OF COURSE she should have asked first. Basic manners.

Return your child to paid childcare asap.

@phoenixrosehere
Yep.
I know someone just like this.
You're ok as long as you agree with them.
The moment you challenge them they go completely off the wall.
(No longer in contact)

Nowhere does OP say she is or planning to cut off her DH’s family.

She has only said she is going back to the paid childcare that was in place before this that they gave up because MIL was so adamant about taking care of her dgc instead to the point of anger.

Her DH talked to his mum so not sure why his sister needs to be involved.

It reads like MIL’s overstepping of boundaries has been enabled for too long and when anyone seemingly goes against her, she throws a tantrum.

Her DH can take their son over at other times and he can go back to paid childcare.

Considering MIL’s response to a simple reasonable request, can only imagine what MIL’s has been holding back since OP thought they were fine before this.