DH not coming home when planned....

Your DH is an adult @Doublebubblegum he does not have to report to a child. I’m wondering where her anxiety comes from? Her other parent was home with her.

Totally agree with this.

I think you did overreact

I can see you are grappling with a lot with your DD, but it really is not for her to worry about her dad being out, and pandering to that isn’t good for her.

Obviously it would be better for him to say ‘don’t know darling, see you later or in the morning’, but suggesting that he’s setting her up to not believe people say is OTT - he’s just giving her some patter to answer a question that is really non of her business , it’s not a serious answer.

Sorry I do think YABU because she's whipped you up into a bit of a stress ball with her anxiety.

Has she perhaps been watching the news and is aware that people can randomly be attacked/in an accident?

I think you both need to find strategies that don't involve pandering to her. What if daddy went to Tesco's to do the food shop, got sidetracked at Halfords and was out longer than expected - should he have to tell his 9 year old child, who is home safely with her mother, about the change of plans? Or is it just when someone is out in the evening that it becomes a problem.

I assume that he had already been drinking all day and said he'd be back in an hour with the best intentions/on autopilot.

I think it's very common to start off feeling sensible then end up staying out later than you'd anticipated, especially if you're having a good time.

Yes this, he is a grown up and grown ups are allowed freedom sometimes, if this was reversed of course there would be totally different answers

Three hours 'late', DH gets home.

OP did. He was 3 hours late.

Plans change. Not coddling doesn’t mean ignoring.

‘Dads having fun, he will be home later’ is enough. Even a conversation about how sometimes, adults plans change.

With a child with Anxiety a vague ‘I will be a few hours’ is unlikely to help anyways Especially, if they are already anxious just at you staying out.

Tell me you know nothing when suffering anxiety yourself. Don’t be rude. What I never did was pass my anxiety on to my children.

If a mother had posted on here she’d gone out and was enjoying herself this thread would have taken a completely different turn..

@LucyVanPeltz tell me you know nothing about anxiety without telling me 🙄

The DD wasn't calling the shots or deciding what time it was acceptable for her father to be home at all!
She was told by her father one thing and he did something completely different. For a child with anxiety that would be really distressing!

And no you don't make children anxious by coddling them. Ignoring their anxieties doesn't make them go away. And it's completely ridiculous to suggest otherwise

As a child who was hugely anxious I can relate. But I would have said said to her daddy is having fun with his friend and will come home later. Then every time she asked I would have reiterated that. Because things change and that's ok.

And no one said he had to be back at a specific time.

I’m very calm thank you very much.

Allaying fears and pandering are two completely different things, asking a parent to make sure they’re back at a specific time is pandering.

it's the fact DH said he would be home at a certain time, but wasn't,

Yea. That is a shit thing to do. And makes him unreliable. Your daughter is aware of it.

What has made you put up with that kind of poor commitment?

Your dd was already anxious just based on him staying out.

Yes he should have been vague. But I very much doubt that would have made her feel better. She didn’t want him to stay out at all. a vague ‘a few hours’ isn’t likely to stopped her feeling anxious.

While I think it’s only right that he should have text YOU, to say he was staying out later as it’s polite, I think you have made this into more than it is. Plans change.

Adults do stay out later sometimes. And it’s not about doing what you will say he does. He shouldn’t need to give exact plans to his child. You are in danger here of letting her get to a place where the adults can’t make a decision for themselves and change plans because of something they have previously said to dd.

Dd needs to learn that sometimes people’s plans change and that’s ok.

I agree with you OP.

When somebody tells you they are going to do something, be somewhere at a certain time, you should be able to rely on them actually doing what they say.

Your DH said an hour and that should have been when he came home. If he had a good idea that he likely would be longer than that because he fancied a bit of down time then he shouldn't have been specific.

I think doing what you say you will do is important no matter who you are talking to. But in the case of talking to children it is even more important because by saying one thing and not doing it you are teaching them it's OK to let people down. That it's OK to think just about yourself and that your word is not trustworthy.

So as you say it's not the staying out with his pals that's the issue it's the breaking his promise and his word that is the point.

I think its your DDs anxiety that needs tackling. You could use this example to show her how sometimes even though people have all the good intentions to stick to a time they've said, sometimes that doesn't happen when you're having fun and time ticks away. I absolutely wouldn't be checking in with a child and telling them sorry I'll be a bit later than I said. It's her issues that need tackling, not his.

That's not what I was saying. Good grief, calm down.

What I said was it's important to chose your words. So don't say you will be back in an hour if you probably won't.

There was nothing wrong with what DH did and yes he is allowed a life.

I had an anxious child, spent many a night in A&E after a self harm episode. Been there, done that. But I still lived my life, went out, went away overnight etc. It was important for my DS to see what a normal life looked like. But I was CLEAR about what was happening and made sure before I went that he knew where I was going and when I was coming back, it allayed his fears. I don't see what this issue is.

FYI, he was adopted and as a toddler BM would leave him on his own, no food, for anything up to 24 hours. So it would get dark and get light again and he was on his own, distressed. So he NEEDED to know we were coming back when we said we were. That level of anxiety was off the scale.

Nope. I still don’t agree. If an adult goes out you should not have to tell a child what time you will be home whether they’re in bed or not. You ARE pandering. I think the issue is more yours than your children’s. Just tell her daddy is out with friends. End of conversation. If you go out then you’re out. You’re making this a bigger deal than it is.

This.
Dad will be home when he’s home. He’s ok and he’s having a night out with his friends. Don’t feed into her insecurities.

Has something happened in the family to create this anxiety if you're not both with her?

Sorry, just saw she is 10

How old is your daughter? My daughter is 9 and has terrible separation anxiety. Also under cahms. She is also ND though.

Because parents need a life! Should both parents stay in the house to allay fears? Absolutely not. One parent was present.

This post would be jumped on if the mum had gone out and not the dad on here. But as usual the men are cunts for actually having a life. How dare any parent have a life.

Then you both need to work on this. It’s completely outrageous for a child to expect both her parents to dance to her tune. Parents need time out and yes I do know there’s single parents who don’t get time away from their children.