DH not coming home when planned....

Saying "I'll be back in an hour," is not "promise" FFS.

Christ, he's not a prisoner.

People are allowed to be spontaneous even when they have families.

He shouldn’t have told her he’d be back in an hour. You were right to pull him up on it. He should be less specific in future. Maybe he has a guilty conscience right now for upsetting her so best to drop it. But remind him in a few days time when he is calmer / your issue was what he said to DD, not that he stayed out.

DH says, I'll be home in an hour to his family. One hour turns into three. FFS, a call to DW to say, "Do you mind if I'm not home for dinner etc? I want to stay out at the pub." would be in order. Courtesy.

Do you think your husband said he'd be home in an hour to appease you? My guess is that he thought you would be upset if said "in a few hours" so he lied to avoid a fight. You are definitely catering to your daughter. No 10 year old should be given this much power and control over her parents.

@BettyBardMacDonald I completely agree with you.

Why can't op be breezy with 'daddy is having fun, he's out tonight, let's watch a film/ read a nice book together'

In 8 years time the child will be going to uni. Will you still be pandering to her every whim? Not sure you'll have a marriage left if you let her control you at every opportunity.

Get your child therapy and help her realise that adults are able to do what they want and not at her beck and call when she's too anxious

It's nothing to do with your child when her dad gets home. I can't believe you're living your life according to your 10 yr old.

Absolutely ridiculous

I can see it from both POV but I think when it went over an hour it would’ve been best to say something like “Dad might have got a bit busy with his friends and I suspect he might be longer than an hour but don’t worry he is having a nice evening and we’ll have a nice night too and tell Daddy about it tomorrow when we see him”

I used to babysit for a single parent friend who was very flakey with when she came back and I’d downplay the timings to her kid.

When I said that I would be back in an hour I would be back in approximately an hour or I would txt/ call my family members in an hour to explain the situation/ to discuss staying out longer. Approximately an hour is no more than 90 minutes in my book but not 3 hours.
You keep your promises or don’t make them. That’s behaviour OP wanted her DH to model. She didn’t want him to come home, she wanted him to stick to his words.

As the parent you should have neutralised this. Its a very very odd family dynamic

This sounds a lot like pandering to DD, despite you saying you don’t.

Even if he said he’d be back in an hour, she needs to learn to cope with things not being exactly as she expects. You could have said “Dad will be home within the next couple of hours” rather than allowing her to fixate on the exact hour.

It must be difficult managing a child’s severe anxiety, but I think professional help rather than curtailing your social lives would be a better way forward

Absolutely insane to pander to your child here. Nothing happened. Literally nothing. If she’s has anxiety issues then she needs professional help not for adults to pander to it.That’ll make it worse

I'm getting a sense that daddy isn't allowed to have any fun without being punished for it.

So if he's having a good time he should just break it off and go trotting back home to a child who is perfectly safe and secure sitting with her mother after a nice family day out?!

That's absurd. The child needs to learn to regulate her feelings. If she never gets the opportunity, how will she learn?

Kids don't get to manipulate what their parents do.

YABU. A ten year old dictating when a parent should return home is absolutely insane.

I think YABU. Maybe he shouldn't have said he'd be home in an hour but we all loose track of time. Next time he will know not to put a time on it it you DD also needs to be aware life doesn't run on a clock.

Well, yes you can misjudge the time when out with friends but there is a huge difference between one hour and three hours!
I absolutely agree with you, OP. It’s not about being out in principle but he should have been more considerate to the family situation.
To be honest even without yourDD’s anxiety I would expect him to be more precise. I was brought up that it’s basic manners towards people who live with you.

What if daddy went to Tesco's to do the food shop, got sidetracked at Halfords and was out longer than expected - should he have to tell his 9 year old child, who is home safely with her mother, about the change of plans?

I agree with this point.

I have anxiety that is under control now but was very severe in the past. What anxiety wants is control, and once you give it what it wants, it wants more.

She was unhappy about him staying out at all, so whilst him being more general with when he'd be back might have helped a bit it sounds like she'd still have been anxious about him getting home.

Comfort her, reassure her, but don't give the anxiety what it wants. It's a short term fix but won't reduce anxiety long term. It just reinforces that she's right to worry about daddy being out and can only relax once he's back.

Having said that, for me it's basic politeness that he should have let you know the change in plans without you having to ask. And he shouldn't have turned it round on you and accused you of hiding your irritation behind fake concern over her anxiety.

Just because someone has anxiety doesn't mean they must be coddled, pandered to or shielded from every worry and disappointment.

It's not too early for her to learn that life doesn't unfold exactly as we'd like it, or that our personal discomfort trumps everything else.

"Dad is having a night out. Sometimes people change their plans. Let's be happy he's having a nice evening. Everything is fine. What film do you choose?"

Expecting everyone to drop what they're doing each time she feels anxious isn't doing her any favours. The world doesn't work that way.

Unfortunately the world doesn't pander to people with anxiety and neither should you. I think saying 'dad will come home when he's ready' should have been enough and in future ask him if he could just say he'll be back later rather than a specific time etc for what it's worth I have a teen who was diagnosed with extreme anxiety amongst other things by 6 years old so I know it's difficult

Had help from CAMHS for anxiety and it involved parent course reading the book helping your child with fears and worries. It made me realise how much management of the environment (pandering) we were doing and I think it is a tricky balance to find to gently help them by supporting them to face their fears but not pushing it too far. The book suggests making a plan together with your child and that has been helpful for us.

Only you know OP, if you are weaponsing your DD in order to control your DH.

We only see one side of the story on this thread.

I have lifelong anxiety and still think it's absurd to pander to a child who is sitting next her mother watching television.

"I guess he is enjoying a catch up with his friends. It's nothing to worry about. Let's pay attention to the film."