DH not coming home when planned....

I have an anxious nine year old with the same worries. The difference is, she lost her dad very young so her anxiety is powered by past events.

I wouldn't pander to this. Part of managing anxiety is understanding it can't be used to control others. Your DH is an adult and is allowed to change his plans. Your daughter needs to learn to manage this as part of her recovery.

Huge sympathies OP.. anxious children are very hard work.

And he probably will not be specific in the future. I wouldn't be.

No. But as I said, I feel the mother could have reassured her that dad is having fun and will be home soon. I hope she gets help. It must be very difficult for everyone, including the parents.

As a matter of interest, do you have a child with a diagnosed anxiety disorder?

Life happens. Spontaneously, sometimes. The child was safe with her mother.

But the DH shouldn't have said an hour if he didn't mean it.

My DD is recovering from anxiety. It us extremely important she can trust what we say. So we don't make promises (explicit or implied) we can't keep.

The DH could have said 'I don't know how long I'll be', but he said 'an hour'.

It isn't fair on the DD or her mum.

Absolutely this. He shouldn't have to check in what her or whatever, he's an adult. You should have reassured her if the anxiety is so bad.

I would feel stifled. Hope she gets help that works.

YANBU if her anxiety is about being apart from you or her DD and he then promises her something he doesn't stick to. That is poor parenting and you are right to raise it with him. He's being an AH.

Maybe he needs to speak to her counsellor...

The thing is, one person with anxiety can end up controlling the whole household. DD was worried about him staying at the pub from the outset; it wasn’t just the time/coming home later.

People can’t live their life so as not to upset an anxious person; it’s like OCD - satisfying their conditions doesn’t work, they just add more.

I was a very anxious child and it made my life very difficult well into my teens.
I think you need to acknowledge that anxiety and make it ok.
"I know you're worried about daddy but he's with his friend having fun and we’re ok here so let’s let him come back when he’s ready.”
That way you’re not discounting how she feels but you’re making it ok.

Because it is perfectly ok for him to do that.
Acknowledge and change the subject.

If you’re discounting the anxiety that’s not helpful, nor is exacerbating it but just calmly saying it’s ok to be anxious and then moving on from that is better.

Both DH and I have stayed out later than initially planned because we were having a good time. We aren’t lazy or unreliable parents - we are parents who also have lives outside of our family responsibilities.

I think the easiest way to deal with this would be to tell DD at the first opportunity that Dad is out having fun and he might not be home for a while. Anxiety cannot be dealt with by trying to control the environment to avoid triggers. She needs to learn to deal with the normal uncertainties of life.

Only you know your role in this OP and whether you are unconsciously letting DD know that it would make you happy if DH didn’t go out with friends. A friend of mine was called into school because her child was bullying other students and counselling was suggested. My friend seemed quite pleased to inform us that her DD had told the counsellor she was upset because her dad was spending too much time at work. And suddenly she was off the hook, mummy was giving her lots of attention and dad was the villain. Oh and 20 years later she’s still having friendship issues due to her behaviour.

Whereas I agree with not pandering to the anxiety you can also choose how to handle to carefully - if saying an hour and then not returning is a trigger which could set the DD back why do it when there are others way which could have avoided it but still had the same outcome

See I don’t understand this thinking.

When dd is teen and coming back at a certain time, she won’t be an adult.

Teens are perfectly capable of understanding their parents can do some things that they can’t. When she is an adult, so what if she is late back?

By the time my Dd was an adult, if she was later home than planned I would have sent a text making sure she was ok, and that’s it. I am far from a laid back parent, but I get that plans change. If she is out on a night out with friends, I can totally understand time getting away from someone.

and as the child was already getting anxious at the thought of the her Dad staying out at all, being vague about when he would be back might have made things worse.

As an aside, it Op feels he should have texted her and let her know (which I would agree with) then that’s what she should have said. That she would appreciate a text if he is going to be late home.

But OP seems to be saying she understood that he wasn’t being literal and he wouldn’t just be an hour. So it wasn’t a lack of courtesy with her.

She asked why he didn't come back when he said he would. He said that an hour doesn't mean an hour necessarily and that he was just having a nice time with his friends.

See, to my mind that's the wrong message to give a child, especially one who takes everything literally. The adults need to be dependable, children need that.

Im with you on this @Doublebubblegum he's modelling the wrong behaviour, it's lazy parenting on your DHs part to not think about how he comes across. He's setting you both (you and DH) up for problems ahead when you let your DD go out when she's a teen with the message "bah, I don't need to care about the commitment I make to be back at a certain time. Dad says I can just go out with my friends and come back whenever I want".

it would have been better for him to have said to you and DD "I'll be back later" and not give an exact time. He could have then texted you if he planned to stay on/go to a different bar etc. it just takes a bit of thought.

If DH had said to DD ‘I’ll be home after the watchinf the football’ instead of a time would she have been fine? Agree staying out 3 hours when saying he would be home in an hour is a bit cheeky but if he intended to watch a match that had just started common sense would have indicated he would be out for at least 90mins??

It sounds like your husband was trying to placate DD if she was upset he wasn’t coming home with you, it’s a lesson that he is better being honest with her to help her learn it’s okay for him to be out for a while when she is safe with mum. “I’m going to stay out with my friend to watch the football and have a drink and a catch up but I will see you before bedtime / I’ll give you a kiss goodnight when I get home and we will do x in the morning, have a nice time with Mum.”

Oh ffs to everyone saying dh doesn't need to tell dw intended to stay later. As previous, it's courtesy.

@BettyBardMacDonald Well, I think it's pretty normal if someone is out beyond a normal time to worry about them. I mean it's not like I need constant updates from DH. But if he says he's goign to the pub and then doesn't get home until 4, yes, I'd worry so I'd expect a quick text at closing time.

When he goes to his friend "Pete's" house, I know he'll most likely be late so I wouldn't expect any sort of update unless he got unexpectedly drunk and decided to stay over.

It's about expectations - if you're expecting someone at a certain time, then it can be quite worrying if they don't then turn up at that time. But I certainly would never expect DH to ask my permission, or vice versa.

I went out with some girlfriends for dinner a few months back. We landed up getting accidentally rat assed and decided to go clubbing! I didn't ask permission but i did send DH a message so he didn't worry I'd been in a car accident in the taxi home or whatever.

Why do you need such vigilance over what an autonomous adult is doing?

I have a DD who can get a bit twitchy about me (and to a lesser extent, DH) not being home. And I 100% agree with the posters saying you can't pander to it - she needs to elarn that she is not the centre of the universe. BUT.... I agree with OP completely that if you tell someone you will be home at a certain time, then you should be home at that time. In future, he needs to be better about this - either NOT saying an hour in the first place, or sending a quick text.

I also don't mind at all when DH is out and about - our DC are old enough that it's not that onerous to be the only parent of an evening. But I absolutely expect DH to give me a heads up if he's going to be significantly later than expected and I don't think it's odd for your DD to feel the same.

Surely what you need is for DD to practice coping with you and DH not being back exactly when they said they would be. Learning to put her fears aside and not to fixate on the time. If you just never give her a time unless you'll definitely come back at that time she won't have an opportunity to develop the skills she needs?

I can see why it could be annoying some times - if you have a particularly busy evening planned and don't really have the capacity to do it all and help her deal with her anxieties at the same time. But you had an easy evening.

And from your OP, it doesn't sound like you framed this as a way of handling DD's anxieties when you criticised your DH. You framed it as something that shouldn't be done because it's wrong to tell someone you'll be back at a particular time when you won't be. So I can see why he thinks it's a problem you have with him not coming back after an hour. If you aren't upset by it, if you understood that his "hour" was a very flexible amount of time that could last all evening and that was fine, then it's not about him "modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't." it's about your DD needing to learn to accept that not everything people say is literal, that there are well accepted fudges that we all need to understand and interpret. Most children start to develop this understanding from the age of about 7 and while it takes time to get all the nuance, she will only do so by being exposed to language being used like that.

As the parent with your DD, it was your job to deal with the anxiety at that point. "It's okay for plans to change. He will be back later. He is still with his friends". Repeat when necessary.

Yes a discussion about use of words around DD may be useful but at later date. It does come across like you were having a sly dig.

I think the comments would've be far harsher if it was the other way around and the dad was at home, and said the same to the mum.

YABVU. The control your DD has over you is ridiculous, time to put a stop to it. Sounds like your DH has the right approach.

I think your DH should have sent a text saying something like “change of plan, going to stay out longer, having fun and we’re moving onto the red lion. Tell DD I’ll see her in the morning” and you could have just relayed this to her. He should be able to change his plans but I also agree it’s just common courtesy to inform his family. He doesn’t need to “stick to his word” because it’s ok for plans to change and your DD needs to see that.

FWIW I don’t like the phrase “pandering to children” because it minimises their feelings but overall I do think your handling of this situation is in effect allowing her to control it which is not appropriate or indeed helpful. I’d have used it as an opportunity to talk through how she feels about the uncertainty of not knowing when he’ll be home. That’s what a lot of anxiety is - intolerance of uncertainty. The way to fix that is not to remove all sources of uncertainty because life cannot be like that. It’s to teach the child how to sit with the feeling and to enable them to learn how to deal with the uncertainty.