DH not coming home when planned....

He shouldn't have said he'd be home in an hour, if he knew that DD was likely to interpret that literally.
Going forwards, and knowing that DD is anxious about this kind of thing, it would be better to be less specific if timing is not crucial. And then to phone or text if plans change. That would be the rational ( and polite) thing to do, for DD and for you. He needs to carefully consider his language if DD is likely to rely on what he says.. so " I'll see you later" rather than specifying an amount of time if he is not actually sure when he'll be back.
But DD does need to understand that saying he'd be back in hour was not a promise, it's not breaking his word, it was just a vague statement of intention. It's the same as explaining to small children that " in a minute" doesn't actually mean one exact minute, it just means shortly.
But I have no sympathy for him now he is trying to blame you. Next time I wouldn't be so helpful.

ZOMBIE THREAD

I think the problem here is your DD’s anxiety and that it may do her good to experience her dad having a flexible arrival time, out of her control, without any negative consequence.

I absolutely agree with this. It’s great that we’re all so much more aware of anxiety and that we’re less inclined to just shut down kids’ fears, but it’s now in danger of swinging too far the other way. It’s our job as parents to help our kids sit with their discomfort and find ways to handle it, not to control the outside world for them. It’s not good in the long run at all. There’s a world of difference between ‘don’t be so silly, stop worrying’ and ‘you’re worried because daddy’s out and it makes you scared that something will happen to him - that’s not a helpful feeling so when our brains do this it’s something we have to try and ignore or distract ourselves from because daddy is just having fun with his friends and doesn’t want to stop yet, just like when you don’t want to leave at the end of a play-date. Let’s distract our unhelpful worries with this film/a game/a nice walk’. What we can’t do is say ‘don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be home very soon’ because that isn’t going to give her a coping strategy and reinforcing that it’s legitimate to worry about him being out if it’s longer than ‘very soon’. It won’t always be enough - sometimes medication is the only real solution in the long term - but it is certainly better than the spiralling that comes with ‘pandering’.

It's ridiculous to pander to a child.0p should just say Dad will be home later when he is ready to come home and leave it at that.

So, next time she gets into a state about one of you being late, you can say “Remember that time Dad was late back from that event? You got really worked up, but it turned out to be absolutely fine, didn’t it?”

Yes, in an ideal world he’d have texted with an update. But I also think your DD needs to experience things like this to build resilience. Things will not always go exactly the way she wants or expects and her anxiety can’t be allowed to control the family.

With DD her therapist said there were times for pushing back against the anxieties, and times just to be there to support. We learned the balance by trial and error.
My life was restricted for quite a while because it was what DD needed (just as parents whose DC have other needs may end up with a restricted life).
It is a very fine balance.

This is what we were taught. Life happens and we all have to deal with it. Even when it's shit, and sometimes it will be really shit.

YABU. As others have so eloquently said already. It’s unreasonable to expect that as adults you have to stick to exact times to be home by for your daughter. Her anxiety needs to see that normal adult behaviour is fine and people do not need to be strictly controlled to a schedule to make her feel better. That will only ever reinforce that need throughout her life. You are in some way enabling her anxiety by this behaviour. It's like taking the easy way out. Better would be to model uncertainty in life is fine and norma and adults can make their own decisions and schedule. You may then have to deal with an anxious child but that’s ok. She’ll learn in a supported loving environment that this is ok to be unsure. I wouldn’t coddle her too much and would let her feel her emotions and just give reassurance.

Well said, @saraclara

The daughter needs to learn that it's on her to manage her anxiety, not for everyone else to jump through hoops so that she never feels anxious.

My dd has this. She's older. I've been trying to teach her that no matter how she feels, it won't make a difference to the outcome. She can feel anxious for the next 20 years or she can not; her being anxious won't stop me or dh getting ill, falling over, being robbed, etc. anxiety is a waste of energy.

There are loads of good books out there for anxiety in Dc and coping strategies/distraction strategies.

That's the point!!

She DOESN'T want to tell her the time anyone will be home as that creates the possibility of anxiety.

She wants her husband to keep it vague so that it doesn't cause distress and doesn't interfere with anyone's social life

Very sensible

I think that your h hasn't done anything wrong. Giving in to your DD's anxiety all the time isn't good: it reinforces the fact that she's right and that something bad will happen if her dad isn't back in an hour.

What did she think would happen? Did you talk it all through with her, catastrophising, to help her make sense of her feelings?

It seems that your daughter has taken his statement literally. We need to be careful what we say to my daughter to minimise expectations.

I've just explained to DH that by promising DD to be back at a certain time but not keeping to it, he's modelling behaviour that she will think is normal. She'll think it's ok for someone to say they'll do something, but then they don't. And maybe next time instead of saying a time he'll be back, not to do this as it's not great for DD.

But people DO say they'll do something, and then don't. It's life. It happens all the time. Circumstances change. Things come up. Part of managing her anxiety is helping her to recognise this and not have it be a problem. You can't constantly ensure that everything goes to plan. You just teach her strategies for managing things when they don't. It's a life skill that we all have to learn, anxious or not.

As sometone else said, there's a danger in making her irrational fears seen real, and managing everything around them. And there's a real stress about constantly having to police oneself for her sake.

Work as a team. Did he really "promise" or did he just say 'I'll be back in an hour or so'? If he said 'i promise I'll be back in an hour', knowing what you do about how your daughter would hear that, it would have been wise for you to say 'don't worry, it doesn't have to be exactly an hour, just let me know how it's going' to reassure her that that would be okay, and to prepare her for the inevitable.

This. And how would it have been dealt with if he had as pp have suggested stayed in contact with updates of exactly how long he'd be, or had just said 'I'll be back later, you'll probably be in bed' and she'd responded with 'no you must come home NOW, you can't stay out any later? @Doublebubblegum ?

He’s an adult and a 10 year old cannot dictate his schedule. He hasn’t done anything wrong in my view. I get she’s anxious but she doesn’t therefore run the family. You say she’s anxious about being apart from you or DH but she was with you. Sorry but he has done absolutely nothing wrong.

So at that point saying ‘I don’t know how long I will be’ wouldn’t have helped?

Adults shouldn’t need to appease her because they are staying out. But clearly you both try. And you can’t always know how long you will be.

He said an hour to deal with her anxiety there and then but you think he should have said he would be back after she goes to bed. Would that have appeased her at the time? It’s which case it’s not about ‘modelling behaviour’ or sticking to what he told her, is it? It’s about him simply telling her he doesn’t know how long he will be? Rather than saying what deals with her anxiety in the moment. But instead of saying ‘it’s easier all round if you say you will be out until after she is in bed’ you told it’s about sticking to his word and modelling behaviour. Which is an entirely discussion. It goes from ‘dds anxiety is easier to deal with if we do xyz’ to ‘you are being a bad parent’

The answer to ‘why did he say an hour if he is going to be longer’ is simply ‘plans change sometimes’. Again, he doesn’t need to be back exactly when he says, she needs to get comfortable with plans changing. She can understand that sometimes people have plans. Sometimes those plans need sticking to for various reasons. But sometimes people can just go with flow and plans can change and that’s ok.

Just agree with your DH to always tell her you'll only be home once she's in bed. Anything before will always be a bonus. You need to manage her anxiety not his time out of the house.

Honestly im with your dh here. Back in an hour doesnt mean that surely? It just means back after a couple of drinks. He was out with friends. Wouldnt bother me in the slightest although being with a cranky child would so it would make me a little bit annoyed

Your daughters' reaction is out of proportion. Shes fixated on a time very literally. Is it anxiety or autism? She needs help with this

So if he hadn't said a time, because actually he didn't really know when he would get back, she wouldn't have been appeased and would've continued to be upset.

He's between a rock and a hard place, he says I don't know when I'll get home she's upset, he says about an hour she's ok in the moment but then upset when he doesn't meet his 'curfew'. He and you, need to have some flexibility in your lives. She'd been with him all day and she was going home with you.

Is there an option to seek private support for her if waiting lists for camhs are long? Appeasement will reinforce her beliefs in the long term

You were there when he said an hour. And you know that in such a social setting, an hour doesn't mean 'exactly 60 minutes from now' so if DD's anxiety is such that words have to be policed so carefully, you could have intervened at that point and said something that softened the timing prediction. But just as DH didn't see the potential issue, neither did you. You and DH can't always be 'on' it and neither of you did anything wrong.

The only thing that could have been better is if DH had texted to say he'd be later. But again, it's not a sin. On the scale of MN unreasonableness, it's not remotely up there. You knew where he was and you handled your DD well.

Don't let your DD's anxiety cause more stress to the rest of you than it needs to. She had to manage a situation, it turned out okay, her dad was fine (so an example for her of a positive outcome) so don't add a layer of stress to the household by being angry with him.

But you said she became upset as soon as he said he was staying out and not coming home with you

Poor time keeping is very irritating to me so I’d be with your DD. I do think it sets a bad example. It’s okay to overrun but communication is important to me.

Both Dh and I value our time over everything else.

edit - I have an ASD highly anxious dd