To ask why you have just one child?

Had DD at 19 with my first husband and he was a wanker so didn’t want another one. We then divorced and didn’t meet my lovely DH until I was 32. He’d sadly had a vasectomy a year earlier. We discussed a reversal but, by the time we would have got married, DD would have been about 15/16 and I didn’t want to start again so to speak. We decided just to focus on the kids we already had and make the most of our life even if it didn’t involve a much longed for child of our own.

My decision was based on my mental health and then physical health. I had an awful pregnancy with mental health issues and pre eclampsia. Her birth and early years were so traumatic there was no way I could so it again. Money wasn't a factor as I was a SAHM and we were fine, so I could have had more but the trauma of it all was too much.
Now, she's late teens and has THE most expensive hobbies possible so I'm rather glad we only had one 🤣

Do you mind me asking if you have a career? Maybe it’s the balancing I find hard.

It was blindingly obvious to us that we couldn’t afford to pay three mortgages for once (one for house and 2 for childcare). Covid also happened whilst our child was 2 years old, leaving us with no childcare at all. We aren’t eligible for additional hours, only the 20 you get free, so financially it was too much of a stretch. However, later on, when we didn’t get our chosen state school place, we had the financial autonomy to afford a good private school, which has seen our DD blossom into an educated and brilliant child. I WOULDN’T CHANGE A SINGLE THING.

I have one. I'm sticking with one, I'm not happy about that as I did want two. Reasons:
Terrible pregnancy and awful labour.
After that experience, and I was only 29, I'm left with physical pain and I'm already worn out.
The help and support I was offered during pregnancy is almost non existent.
The cost.
The lack of space.
DS is autistic, don't think he'd cope with such a huge change that would potentially mean moving house.
I can give DS holidays, days out, pay for clubs, give him a great birthday and Christmas and give him every moment of my spare time. With another child, he'd have to share all of that.
I found the baby stage easy, because he was an easy baby. Not all babies are the same and I've heard some horror stories. I like to sleep and feel slightly sane.

Bless you. So shit isn’t it! Well done for getting out

I too don’t think it’s to do with age. DSis and DB both had their respective (only) child in their late 20s and are not having anymore.

I do think the size of the family you grew up in plays a role though. We are one of 4 kids and our house was chaos growing up. Consequently, two of us are child-free and the other two have one child each.

God where do I start 🫣
• had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth (pre-eclampsia, maternal shock during childbirth)
• crippling postnatal depression and PTSD that I very almost ended my life to
• my little boy had his leg amputated at 1 years old
• zero support/village (I do have an amazing partner, but his family are abroad and mine are crap)
• now worried the age gap would be too big (6 years +) and they won't have a close bond as children

So yeah everything about having another baby gives me the fear! Although I absolutely would love another one I think about it every single day

Broke up with his dad when he was 1.

Never really had time for another relationship.

Then discovered ds has send.

Remained single still.

Then discovered it's genetic and I carry faulty gene with 50% chance of passing it on.

Remained single still.

Then developed adenomyosis so decided to have a hysterectomy as felt it was past the point I'd have even more even with genetic counselling

I always wanted 6. My mum was 1 of 7.

But I've been happy with my DS and he's had so many opportunities he may not have had if we hadn't been just the 2 of us.

Life has a weird way of working out!

I don’t think it’s always an age thing. We are mid twenties but currently only want one. For us it’s about opportunities we can provide, both now and long term, and also knowing our own limits and thinking about the best interests of all 3 family members. (Not feeling spread thin, time for dates with DH, DH has time to pursue sport, DD can do any activities or clubs she likes, we can all afford holidays).

That’s absolutely fine, but no one should be shamed for not enjoying those bits. I enjoy adult activities like galleries, restaurants and pubs.

I’m so with you on that one 😂

1. I don’t enjoy the servitude of parenting: arse wiping, snack making, parks, soft play, uniform sorting, the list is endless and most of it I see as dogsbody work.
2. We find our mortgage affordable and live in a nice area in London in a 4 bed, I didn’t want to compromise on space or move to find a 5 bed.
3. Private school fees would have been unaffordable for us for 2 children.
4. With 2 parents and 1 kid we are able to give each other time to ourselves, by going man on, man off.
5. The planet is overcrowded and global warming/climate change is an issue that isn’t being tackled sufficiently- throwing more humans into the mix isn’t a solution to this.
6. I’m 43 and don’t fancy a stressful pregnancy- prior to this, I didn’t fancy 2 kids under 3 years old.
7. Montessori nursery fees round our way are the cost of the mortgage- didn’t want to totally change our lifestyle to afford them.
8. We only get support from my mother in terms of assistance with childcare, once I worked out grandparent help would be very minimal, wasn’t up for doing lots/most of the holiday/term breaks graft alone.
9. I found pregnancy and early years very lonely and boring.
10. Free to pursue my career goals again, without any sense of guilt or conflict.

Thank you for creating this thread, I’m looking forward to reading and understanding others reasons.

I'm sorry it’s an awful way to start isn’t it, our story is strangely verging on identical. my exes behaviour cast a gloomy shadow over our lives, for so long, time we will never get back. It’s so wrong.

In retrospect I think the sudden change of behaviour probably comes down to anxiety which then leads to attempts to control. and then shame and defensiveness - a vicious cycle can immediately spring up.

My marriage broke up shortly after my DD was born and I had a nightmare persuading my ex to leave. By the time that was sorted I was in my early 40s and single with a demanding FT job.

To be honest though I am very happy with just one and am glad that I didn’t have more.

I didn't want any more. I didn't feel I could cope with 2 or earn enough money to support more.

No judgement on anyone here but i do wonder if more people starting families older contributes to the knackeredness many express. Older mums, older dads, ageing grandparents who can't cope /lack the energy to help in an active way. I say this from the perspective of my sister having had kids 5 years younger than i did, at age 26 vs age 31, and she coped much better energy wise than i have. My parents also managed much better with her children for being 5/6 years younger and were more able to help her.

Multiple early miscarriages.

We could have done more than we did to keep trying, but weren't desperate enough for a second to do so.

10 years on and there are multiple reasons why I'm happy with one. I no longer feel sad about it. The biggest issue for me is that I felt very guilty for not giving my DC a sibling. But we did try so the guilt has faded too.

My DH and I like our space and our hobbies. Our DD slots into our life and is so easy, always has been. It's a calm house.

Another would most likely throw all that out the window, and I'd be questioning why on earth we did that to ourselves.

I hated being pregnant, had a horrible labour and birth and ex-DH absolutely did not step up like he said he would when I agreed to try for a baby. I adore DS but parenting did not come naturally to me and I really struggled.

I found the baby years so hard and I really wasn’t a nice person when I was getting minimal sleep.

1. Got pregnant very easily aged 40. No problems with pregnancy, baby in perfect health, decided not to push our luck.
2. could afford to give DC a much better start in life if resources not split with a sibling. Buying somewhere with another bedroom would be a stretch, also planning for support through university, etc.
3. The early years are very hard and I'm not sure I can work to the level I need to, and be there for existing DC in the way they deserve while also caring for a second one properly.
4. We rely on family support for me to work. Asking our aging parents to do that for an extra few years for DC2, and be looking after two, not just one, is a bit cheeky. They'd do it, but it would not be fair to ask, esp since they have started to develop heath problems in the last couple of years.

Quality of life. Financially we can ensure a good standard of living for us all with just one and help them when they are an adult.

Also everything about conceiving (IVF), pregnancy, substandard care when giving birth, trauma as a result, baby health issues failed by NHS - nothing could persuade me to go through that again.

Because they’re no longer the centre of attention. Sorry you had to go through that and well done for getting out. What a cunt.