To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

OP please go and get your bloods redone to check your meds. You should be having them done at least every 6 months but if your GP is anything like mine they will need a kick up the arse. All your symptoms sounds like your thyroxine levels are not right. Also make sure you take your meds and hour before eating too make sure they work properly (it's in the small print but GPs often fail to tell patients). I have Hashimoto's disease so i sympathise massively with what you are describing. My meds are now all working and i feel so much better (and I've been able to lose weight).

Think about your inner child and imagine yourself doing all these tasks for her.

Also go on better help and get some online therapy if you can afford it. They do discounts for low incomes. There's weekly groups on there too, included in the price and you can write to the therapist at any time.

Honestly I think you need to get your thyroid levels looked at. I don’t think you’re getting enough thyroxin, that could honestly be causing most of these problems (speak from experience).
Start small with positive changes. Set a routine with things that need to be done daily like brushing teeth and showering. Once you’ve settled in to that add in daily moisturising. Then work towards meal planning and getting a daily walk in to help lift your mood and lose the weight you want to lose. Once you start to accomplish the basics, you’ll feel more worthy of spending money on yourself. You can definitely achieve this, one little step at a time.

OP all I can offer up is the words of Kate Scott from the famous Quora thread

“When I was at one of my (mentally) lowest points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.
I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.
“What are you struggling with?” he asked.
I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”
Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”
I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.
I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.
But I didn’t.
So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”
I felt like an idiot even saying it.
What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with actual problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?
But he nodded in understanding and then said:
“Run the dishwasher twice.”
I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.
“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.”
It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.
That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.
I felt like I had conquered a dragon.
The next day, I took a shower lying down.
A few days later, I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.
There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.
Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.
But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:
There are no rules.
Run the dishwasher twice.”

Last thing at night write in your notebook, some little positive thing about the day you just had.
First thing in a morning, read what you wrote last night, and wonder what the day might bring. Then run a bath, then put the kettle on and make a cuppa and take it with you to your bath.
In the bath, think about what you will wear today and allow yourself some deep breathing relaxing time.
Dry yourself rigorously and then do a few stretches …reach up with your hands to the sky. Then get dressed as planned and use deodorant and face cream after brushing your teeth.
Open the bedroom and bathroom windows and breathe in a bit of the fresh air.
Make the bed if you have the strength

If you can start the day building up to a routine like that you will begin to feel better.
Best wishes for your recovery OP. You sound lovely. And brave too.

''I would focus on one thing and that is losing weight.
^^
Your body is literally dragging you down. ''

This... Yesterday, a passing a shop unexpectedly that had a good deal on pet food that is normally very expensive.

I bought a stone {7 kilos} of the tinned food , and carried it home in two bags.
My arms and back were killing by the time I got home. {Have arthritis and scoliosis}

Losing weight slowly will make you feel so much better- carrying an extra 10 stones is going to put a lot of strain on your body, knee joints in particular.

You can do it!

For me, it was writing short, manageable lists and going everything on them, even if it took me hours and I had to have props. I'd tick off each thing. Where there was chocie I'd write down what to do so that I wouldn't have to both put effort into thinking and doing at the same time, and could save all my effort for doing.

For example I'd actually write:

Shower
Breakfast (yoghurt+granola)
Wash up
Get dressed (blue t shirt + jeans)

And also things like washing up, when I was at the stage where I actually wasn't sure I could do it, I'd put headphones on and watch TV at the same time.

Hello OP. I had an accident almost a year ago. It gave me a real shock. As a result I have changed my whole way of living. I have lost over 5stone and have quite a lot still left to lose. I am very middle aged and never thought I would get a grip on it. So I understand a little about how overwhelming it can be.
I would concentrate on one thing only, until you feel confident that you have adopted that habit and you see how much better you feel as a result of doing that one thing.
The first thing I did was to have breakfast every morning.
You need to nourish yourself to have strength to do anything else.
Keep it simple. Marks and Spencer ready made pot of creamy porridge. 1min 40 seconds in the microwave. A spoonful of sugarly if needed. A chopped up apple. A cup of tea for hydration.
You might get dozens of recipes for smoothies, lots of info on macros… but you don’t need this now. You just need nourishment. I ate that for breakfast for a couple of weeks straight and still always have a couple of them in the fridge.
Once you get into that habit the next thing I would do would be to have a shower and clean my teeth every day. I have to admit that I didn’t have this struggle as I really love makeup and doing my hair etc - food was ( and still is ) my biggest battle.
Small steps OP. I wish you peace of mind.

Aw OP your post really touched me. I’m so sorry you feel so low.

1. First, your body is in fight, flight or freeze. The best thing you can do first before you do anything at all is calm yourself physically. Go to YouTube and watch “breathe with sandy” - lots of breathing exercises to calm your central nervous system.
2. Next is self care. Try to set a routine every day to sit down with a cup of tea and eat something healthy. Oats are really good and great for the gut.
3. Next brush teeth and shower.
4. Make a daily plan of one small task you want to achieve every day. Start really small, simply going for a walk will help.
5. Gradually once you get into a routine you’ll find yourself achieving those small goals and it will encourage you to keep going.
6. Self talk is very very important here. Force yourself to talk kindly to yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Do it anyway. Talk to yourself as if you are your own best friend. Continually encourage yourself throughout the day. If you start to feel that negative critical voice creeping in simply think “thank you but no thank you, we are not doing that any more”. Positive affirmations are very powerful and if you can constantly repeat them to yourself on a daily basis they will seep into your subconscious and start to change those negative thinking habits.
7. Perhaps one daily task each day could be researching online an issue you’d like to fix. So, one day you could research skin care for example- make it fun and think of it as a learning experience.

You can absolutely do this. Think about how much courage it took to ask for help- that’s a massive achievement. Sending you very best wishes and hugs 🥰

Some great advice here, I'm watching with interest as I can do with some tips too

Thank you for starting this thread @SoftLittleBunnyRabbit. I need to start looking after myself better as well. This thread will be very helpful.

I have periods of time where I feel exactly like you do. They can go on for days/weeks/months

And this is with me having all kinds of lotions and potions and routines that were already there

When I went back to work after covid I literally had a list that I followed every day with every tiny step of my morning routine. Number was just get out of bed. Then make bed. Brush teeth. Brush hair

My starting point would be brushing teeth in a morning, wakes me up and makes me feel clean. Just focus on that for a week, a fortnight, a month, whatever, until you feel ready to try a new step

Start at square 1. Get into the habit of daily showers, once you've cracked that add in a personal grooming routine (shaving legs/armpits). Once you've got that into a habit add in moisturising your skin after the shower (get a cheap but nice one like E45).

Have a glass of water before you brush your teeth. Get that into a habit.

Once you have that cracked you will begin to feel better and I promise you'll want to find something else to get working on. But for now. Be kind to your body and your mind you've taken the first step by admitting you need help and asking for it. Well done!

I was about to type something very similar before I'd read the thread. This is excellent advice. Hair loss, weight gain, depression, disintegrating skin and everything seeming unsurmountable were all symptoms for me when I was undiagnosed and whilst the medication was being gradually ramped up to my current dose.

You’ve been really brave writing this, OP. You sound like a lovely person who has been through some really hard times. I haven’t read through all the advice, but the two things I would suggest for you to consider are firstly - start practising talking to yourself like you would to someone you really love and would never dream of hurting. This will take time but when you catch yourself being negative about yourself, just think what would I say to someone I really loved? I would tell them it’s ok, I know they are trying and I’m proud of them no matter what. I would say that appearance, weight, productivity, don’t count like a kind heart does. That kind of thing, you know? The more you do it the easier it gets and the more positive you will start to feel, and once you start to feel more positive the other steps will become more possible. The other thing to consider is volunteering or finding ways to help others. I know it sounds odd when you are struggling so much to use your energy to help others, but my experience has been there is nothing like volunteering to transform how you feel about yourself. Start small and be realistic, but there will be something you can do to help others, even if it’s phoning a lonely older person for an hour a week, or something like that. Best of luck OP, you very much deserve to have the life you want.

Look at Goblin Tools - it’s free (just Google) and it breaks tasks down for you.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by cooking just don’t cook - fruit, nuts, seeds, ready made soups you can microwave.

Just make life as easy as you can by doing the basics so they become habits.

Buy yourself some lovely shower gel and a soft towel, a deep conditioning treatment - lots of self care things in Home Bargains.

A lot of great ideas from others. I hear you and lots of us do care. Different situation but very similar feelings. Do what’s right for you! One thing that helps me is moisturising my feet at night. It’s no mean feat(?!? Pun intended sorry!) and would not be possible without a bed to rest my feet on but just that couple of minutes reminds me I can be kind to me, I sleep better & my feet feel better the next day . You are worth every effort xx

Build up slowly.

Do just 1 thing for a week.

Then add another for a week.

If you start to drop things, just go back a step for another week until it's more of a habit before adding something else.

I'd probably start with

• big glass of water when you wake up
• brush teeth morning
• wash face with warm flannel

Eating better will make a big difference but again, keep it simple to start with.

Can you choose one breakfast that is healthy and you like and just make sure you've always got that in? Weetabix / porridge / eggs on toast?

Lunch - fresh soup and a roll?

Dinners - tackle that later!!

Start with the basics. Showering, moving around and eating/ drinking properly will help you feel much better.

Get into a new routine of washing your face (I like this elemis face wash but whatever you like), brush teeth and hair. Alternate all drinks with a glass of water. Go for a walk round the block once a day and build from there. Can your DH help to create a meal plan/food shopping/ prep to move away from takeaways?

Please don’t be embarrassed about this. I made my New Year’s resolution this year to wash my face every day, because I was really neglecting myself too and needed to do some basics

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very very tough 😥

To focus on some of the more practical aspects:

1. Take a walk every day, it's a really fantastic form of exercise which is not too hard on your joints and you don't need any fancy equipment for so you can start today. Try to increase your walk length by 5 mins every day until you're walking for an hour or more. If you can walk somewhere beautiful like a forest or river side this will be brilliant for your mental health too. The Japanese have a word shinrin-yoko which means forest bathing, because being in nature is so therapeutic.

1. A very simple skincare routine is enough, lots of people overdo it. If you have inflamed skin then a gentle brand like Cerave. Buy a cleanser and a moisturiser and use them in the morning and the evening.

1. Meal planning makes the most on top of life people feel like that sometimes. It's helpful to have a list of meals you like and what ingredients you need to make them written down, so you can consult that list when you need to meal plan/shop. Some healthy-ish meals to get you started: salmon fillet with brown rice & broccoli(with soy sauce or lemon juice & olive oil dressing), fish cakes & salad, chicken Caesar salad, jacket potato, tuna & salad, chili con carne with brown rice (add mushrooms, carrots and lentils to bulk it out and add more veg), tabouleh or other shop bought grain salad with chicken breast, prawn & spinach curry.

If you can afford it, Hello Fresh or Mindful Chef can help you can back into cooking with 2-3 meals a week. You can keep the recipe cards to make again later.

Let us know how you get on. You've got this!

Thank you for reaching out, you are far from alone with this but it can be so hard to take a first step.

I imagine that at 36 years old you have tried before to learn how to do these things, and that means that a list telling you to do things might not achieve the desired results. I'm curious about what things you have already tried, and what the barriers to those were?

You have also been fairly clear that early trauma and feeling unworthy of care play a significant role in the difficulties initiating tasks of self care. This can change! Although it takes time and regular attention.

Have you ever played The Sims? You have to take care of a human (Sim), and they have bars representing their basic needs (eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene, social interaction and fun). It is very tricky to get all bars full up at the same time, but the idea of treating yourself like a Sims character may help (because it is usually easier to be compassionate to others than to yourself). Think about what your greatest need is (which bar is empty) and then do one task towards that. Keep it small and celebrate those wins.

When you first wake up, what need is greatest?

I have friends whose challenge with daily living can be based around trouble initiating tasks - they need and want a shower but find it hard to get themselves to go into a shower. If that is similar to you some of the tricks others have found helpful have been to put on a face mask (sensation makes them want to shower after a while), or to decide to just put the shower on (not to get in to it) and see what happens next (if anything). My friend who tried this finds some days it helps them to move onto standing in the shower, even if they do not wash. Sometimes they just turn it off again. More often than not it helps them have a shower though.

With shopping and cooking - find a way to cheat. Cheating is winning. Make it easier to eat something in the house and buy the easy to eat stuff. Get soup that can be microwaved, get the supermarket ready meal (it will be cheaper than takeaway). What would you do if you were giving advice to a dear friend who was struggling with cooking?

I find that if i write down in the morning what i am cooking that night, i am much more likely to cook it than i would be if trying to decide what to cook when i am already hungry. I batch cook - not because i am organised but because i am lazy - it gives me stuff i can heat up and eat most nights when i cannot be bothered to cook.

I find setting a timer (5 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever feels manageable) and just facing a task with the attitude of doing what fits in the time rather than getting it all done, or all perfect, can really help me.

Firstly, OP, congratulations on having the courage to start this thread. There's so much lovely advice here, I won't add to it, but just wanted to say you're not alone and this discussion will have helped far more people than you probably anticipated, thank you.

Once you feel in control of that part of your life, you will feel better able to deal with washing etc - it won't seem such a big deal to you then, I promise.

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.

Have you seen the threads on here about weightloss injections - Mounjaro?

There are tons of us on here who have had a lifetime of problems with our weight - it really does affect so much of our lives and takes up so much energy, both mentally and physically.

The injection - done once a week (you don't feel a thing, tiny needle) - stops you thinking about food all the time, so you can make decent choices about what you eat. I've been on it three months and have lost 23 lbs. In those 12 weeks I haven't had an alcohol drink (when I always had a couple of good sized glasses a night), any chocolate (I would have some most days) or potatoes. It's not even that I don't fancy them - I haven't even thought about them. It was only today when I looked at my food diary I realised I hadn't had any potatoes in that time, when I would have had them a few times a week. All those things, I thought, brought me comfort, and now I don't give them a second thought.

I've still got a long way to go, but I feel SO much better. Fitter, healthier - but also in control. Basically you feel full for longer so you just don't think about eating rubbish.

The doctor can't prescribe it unless you're diabetic, but it's available on a private prescription. I get mine from Bolt Pharmacy.

If I were you I would see a doctor about whether it could be prescribed for you, and if not (it'll be down to funding, that's all) then I'd sign up for it and come onto the weightloss inections board and start and new thread so we can all support you.

OK. Do you work? If not, set your alarm for 7.30, go for a wee walk.
Get home, cup of tea.
Tidy up
Make a meal plan for next few days
Cooking is wonderful 😋
I frequently go to bbc good food site for recipe ideas. Soo simple.
Get yourself to Boots for skincare, vitamin c serum and good moisturiser.
Repeat every day.
Don't forget, loads and loads of water in between
You have got this 👍
Baby steps at first
You've got this, its doable
💐 🫂
Good luck hun xx