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Original poster

Is this relationship normal or is it me with the problems? Please help give some insight…

34 replies

DepressionORlife · 24/08/2024 11:21

I’ll start off by saying that both children are ASD and are very alike dad so there is suspected ASD there but he refuses to have an assessment.

Teenage children and we have bumbled along for years with me basically doing everything that requires any emotional input and I’m starting to unravel and not cope with it all.

Im waiting for an ADHD assessment so it’s really hard for me to know if my emotions are in line with others especially as every time I get upset about anything at all, DH will either completely ignore it or say “ I don’t know why you’re crying “ or “ You get upset over the stupidest things “

We have been away last week and he’s got to do a lot of the stuff he loves doing as well as a few family type activities but due to the kids being completely different personalities we tend to have to split a lot anyway.
All meals are separate as one is vegetarian and won’t eat in restaurants for instance so not a whole lot of time spent altogether.

Last night, we were back and unpacked and I sat on the sofa and asked him when he was visiting his mum as it’s her birthday this weekend and was met with a “ I’ve just had a 3 hour drive with DS ( which was actually 4 hours prior and he had spent the rest of the time fiddling with his ebike ) I am not talking anymore “

I started getting upset and said that I was only asking a question about his mum - I’ve got the presents already wrapped for her despite not being close to her but because I knew he wouldn’t do it and then would pick up a lousy bunch of flowers on the way there like every year and he said “ We’ve just spent 5 whole days together what more do you want? “

I couldn’t help crying and then was met by the usual response of “ You’re always upset about something “ and “ I’m tired, it’s not a crime “

The children then heard some of this and one of them defended him saying that he’s always been like this so why am I making it into a problem and the other said we should separate as it just doesn’t work.

I don’t know what to do anymore

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 24/08/2024 13:25

You really need to stop organising his life for him as others have said, it's his mam so his problem. Let him organise visits and presents and if they don't happen that's not your problem.

As for the kids messaging you while you're out, before you leave make it clear you need x amount of time to yourself and unless it's life or death to not contact you. If they do, ignore them. They'll get the message eventually.

The washing doesn't have to be done right now and if your DH and kids are hungry they can feed themselves. (Assuming your kids are teens. If they're younger than of course feed them) As mothers we can run ourselves into the ground doing everything for everyone else. I had to learn to sometimes put myself first. If your tired rest. It's not the end of the world if they have cornflakes for dinner one night.

Oh and you can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. It doesn't have to be someone's 'fault'. If you're not happy leave. The fact your children are telling you to separate says it all really. Sounds like none of you are happy with the current set up.

Original poster
DepressionORlife · 24/08/2024 13:22

Aligirlbear · 24/08/2024 13:09

Ok - as other PP have said - set boundaries and prioritise what’s important for you and your home. With the long list of stuff you were sorting your MIL’s birthday should be bottom of the list and didn’t really need any of your headspace,

Going forward you really need to stop filling DH gaps and be kind to yourself. You need boundaries and time as well as him. If he forgets / buys supermarket flowers for his mum , that’s ok. Your kids constantly messaging when you are out - are they matters of real urgency i.e. risk to life and limb or are they just ……. Can’t find / don’t want etc. If the former of course you need to act , if the latter your kids ( I know it will be tough ) but they need to learn that not everything can happen as soon as they decide. The reality is if you keep going as you are you will burn out and then they won’t have you , so better to help them build up some resilience / self reliance so they get a little independence from you and you get so well earned down time.

I know it’s really tough but you can’t carry all of this on your own. You deserve time out and boundaries as well

Thank you - I find this really tough as I feel so bad for them that they don’t have two parents who are capable of being emotionally available so then I constantly fill in every gap possible but I can tell my brain and body has had enough 😢

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · 24/08/2024 13:09

Ok - as other PP have said - set boundaries and prioritise what’s important for you and your home. With the long list of stuff you were sorting your MIL’s birthday should be bottom of the list and didn’t really need any of your headspace,

Going forward you really need to stop filling DH gaps and be kind to yourself. You need boundaries and time as well as him. If he forgets / buys supermarket flowers for his mum , that’s ok. Your kids constantly messaging when you are out - are they matters of real urgency i.e. risk to life and limb or are they just ……. Can’t find / don’t want etc. If the former of course you need to act , if the latter your kids ( I know it will be tough ) but they need to learn that not everything can happen as soon as they decide. The reality is if you keep going as you are you will burn out and then they won’t have you , so better to help them build up some resilience / self reliance so they get a little independence from you and you get so well earned down time.

I know it’s really tough but you can’t carry all of this on your own. You deserve time out and boundaries as well

Original poster
DepressionORlife · 24/08/2024 12:55

AgreeableDragon · 24/08/2024 12:49

I agree with all the PPs. After a long drive I’d want my space too, and a birthday would not be top of my list. Give the man space and don’t run around doing things that are his responsibility not yours!

I would have quite liked space too but the nobody would have don’t the dog walk or the washing that needed to be done from the holiday stuff, dinner, helping one of the kids calm down who was in a panic over her timetable for next year at school - all whilst he fiddled around with his Ebike for 4 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
DepressionORlife · 24/08/2024 12:54

I think you’ve all hit the nail on the head with the boundaries.

This is just one of many examples and the children have basically been raised and emotionally supported by me for their whole lives and it’s taken a massive toll on me as I’m not able o enjoy time away from them as I know emotionally he just can’t meet their needs so I’ll be inundated with messages and requests from the kids whenever I’m out as they don’t have a lot to say to him as he doesn’t have a lot to say to them - one in particular who is so alike him.

I am really resentful that I didn’t see these issues beforehand and now I can’t leave because it’s nobody’s fault.

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 24/08/2024 12:49

I agree with all the PPs. After a long drive I’d want my space too, and a birthday would not be top of my list. Give the man space and don’t run around doing things that are his responsibility not yours!

AnnaMagnani · 24/08/2024 11:39

It sounds like your partner is very good at setting boundaries about what he does/doesn't do and you are really hopeless at it.

It's his mother. Up to him if he doesn't visit, visits but with some supermarket flowers or visits with carefully considered wrapped gifts. His choice appears to be one of the first 2.

You seem to be interpreting his boundaries as gaps you need to fill. So buying his mother a gift, organizing his visits to her etc.

Filling all these 'gaps' is going to annoy your partner (he doesn't think they are gaps) and exhaust you.

You need some boundaries of your own. Just because your partner isn't doing something doesn't mean you need to do it instead.

pictoosh · 24/08/2024 11:37

It sounds as though he had run out of anything to give. He wanted blessed nothingness after a long drive then snapped when you innocently gave him another 'task' to think about.
I understand this feeling and I understand how you feel too. He was impatient and rude to you when you intended no offence.

Like another poster says, it's his job to worry about his mum's birthday.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 24/08/2024 11:30

If I were you I would limit the things you take responsibility for.

Your DH sets limits when he needs space.

You do the same. Just say to him that you've been thinking that's it's important you manage how overwhelmed you get. As part of that you won't be organising his family cards/birthday presents from now on or reminding him about those.

And that you think this will be helpful for you and for your relationship with him.

You cannot do everything. Instead of trying to and then being furious with the others in the family, just set your own limits and make sure you also take the space and time that you need for yourself.

If his mother doesn't get a gift/card as a result, that is to do with him and her, not you.