Is this relationship normal or is it me with the problems? Please help give some insight…

Listen to this
https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-70

It is selfish.

Your DH is being emotional OP. Anger is an emotion. Frustration is an emotion. He is feeling the same as you, he is just expressing it differently. If he is happy getting him mum a cheap bunch of flowers then let him. Don't organise him. He doesn't like it and you don't like it so why are you doing it.

The rest of it might not be as much in your control but if your dc are messaging you constantly I think you could ignore some of that too.

I don’t think your children are wrong about it being better if you separated tbh. Once your own children have reached the point where they find the atmosphere so awful that they’d say so, you really need to take stock. You both sound miserable and as though you rub each other up the wrong way constantly. Whether it’s your disabilities or just your personalities, you’re incompatible together, there’s nothing you’ve written which sounds healthy or happy. With the DC nearing adulthood, perhaps it’s time to seriously consider whether you’d actually have stayed together were it not for them, and whether either of you want to once they aren’t around.

I think you are looking for things your husband cannot offer.

Your husband was clear that right now he couldn't talk but you pushed it. With my ND dh and children when they are done they are done, if you push it things will get out of control. Your husband just saw it as stating a fact, “ I’ve just had a 3 hour drive with DS, I am not talking anymore“, he was clear that he didn't have the head space anymore. To him it wasn't personal, it wasn't a slight towards you it was just him telling you that he can't handle anymore. In his mind why would that make you cry, it wasn't a pressing issue, nothing was wrong, you just wanted mundane chat and he couldn't handle that right at that moment. What he said was blunt but that is often the way with autism, he did get his message across clearly and you ignored it, he told you he didn't have the head space to chat then you expect him to have the head space for you getting upset and emotional? That's not going to work is it?

I'm not saying that you are wrong to want to chat but if he can't do it he can't do it. If your ASD teens told you that they needed space would you keep pushing them and cry or would you respect that they know best what they need at that time? It's difficult trying to raise a family with someone with a disability sometimes but you have to learn to work with it, pushing against it isn't going to work. It's like pushing someone who can't walk to run up the stairs and grab your phone charger. If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship/can't find a way to make it work for both of you then perhaps your teen is right and you do need to separate. Expecting your dh to be able to override his disability isn't going to work though.

He sounds mean, not just on this one occasion but the other times you mention. Just mean.

I think avoiding him and tiptoeing around him probably works quite well, but it's not very nice and not much of a team.

I guess you do have to think if anything is going to change. Do you and him get on well when the kids aren't around?

I don’t know who is right or wrong OP but from your descriptions you do seem a bit exhausting… your kids don’t need total emotional availability ( what even is this??) or to be texting you all the time.
I get it, I have a teen like this. He wants Mum to be on hand at all times even when another adult is around and I’m at work! I ignore. Amazingly he manages to find/ cook/ sort whatever the so urgent thing was.
I blame myself because I was a lone parent so just automatically did everything for everyone. You need to chill a bit. You can’t be everything to everyone. Your husband might be a selfish turd OR he might just be knackered dealing with your intensity. Only you can know that.

Having said all of that, if OP is unhappy then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - she doesn't need to stay in a relationship that causes her upset.

Is she made to do it all, or choosing to do it all?

I think it's an important distinction - because, for the most part you don't need to come back from holiday and leap straight back into housework, sorting dinner and worrying about the dog.

In terms of his moodiness, I absolutely agree that it's not nice to be snapped at, but after a long journey and lots of driving, sometimes people are just tired and not in the mood for chatty conversation - I know I'm like that and so is my dad (also autistic) - it prevents burnout.

Quite.

These days having boundaries is just a euphemism for having no sense of personal responsibility, no empathy and no consideration of the impact of one's actions on others.

Her husband is not setting a boundary by buying his mum a shit gift or by being nasty to the OP for asking a simple polite question.

He's an absolute dick OP who dismisses your emotions. Sounds like he expects women to do the hard yards but also always be quiet and small.

Fair enough, but it doesn't really change the fact that OP's husband is disengaged from his kids, rude and dismissive of her feelings. Even if you disagree with the level of support she is currently trying to provide to her kids, she should still not have to do it all alone and tiptoe round her husband's moodiness too.

I was a teen with autism and mental health problems (diagnosed and medicated) but it simply wasn't possible for my parents to jump and answer me immediately.

Yes, ASD teens can potentially need more support than others, but equally, very few parents work in jobs where they can just answer their phone or check it constantly.

For teens with ASD you do have to be more involved than average though. I wouldn't jump to answer if it was my NT teen, but for the ND one I generally do because she needs a lot of support regulating her emotions. She has ASD alongside a number of mental health problems, so you can't just leave her to get on with it in the same way.

OP has two teens with ASD so there's a lot of support needed there, and her husband isn't providing any of it, but expects her to manage his emotions too.

You can't fill in every gap possible for two children - who are teens not tinies. It's just not possible.

No children have perfect parents who are both 100% emotionally available 24/7.

Perhaps their dad is the less emotionally available one. Perhaps though he is good for other things (eg the driving or whatever).

Your life's mission is not to ensure your teen children never suffer a moment of discomfort or frustration or that your MIL never feels disappointed with her birthday gift from your DH or even that the dinner is always cooked.

No one will die if these things don't happen.

But you'll lead a miserable existence if you keep trying to do it all, all the time.

Take some time to do what you want to do, when you need to do it. Your kids are teens, they and DH can figure out how to wash some clothes or walk a dog or make some dinner.

Yes, this too.

It's not neglect for a parent of teenagers not to respond to text messages immediately, or not to get home from holidays and immediately leap into action sorting laundry and walking the dog.

If the OP can’t ask a really simple and innocent question like ‘When are going to go over to your Mum’s?” without getting snapped at or told to be quiet, there is something badly wrong and frankly she must be walking on eggshells the whole time. It’s no way to live.

Well, I suppose it depends - how often is she asking? Does she often ask constant questions? etc.

I agree in principle that it's a normal question, but as always with these things, it's the background that matters.

Your DH may or may not be autistic, but he may also just be an arsehole.

Would the kids be badly neglected?

OP appears to have set herself a target of meeting all her children's wishes immediately.

For those of us who grew up before mobile phones, the idea of constantly messaging your mum when she is at work seems bizarre. It would help the kids to have to find their own solutions and fill their own time.

I agree!

This! If OP set her boundaries the same way her husband does, the kids would presumably be badly neglected. He's doing what he wants while she holds everything together and does all the emotional labour.

Lots of people talking about the DH being entitled to set boundaries, but it would appear that his ‘boundaries’ mean not having to do anything he doesn’t enjoy, and leaving the OP to do it. He’s also massively dismissive and inconsiderate of her feelings while expecting her to considerate of his, at all times.

If the OP can’t ask a really simple and innocent question like ‘When are going to go over to your Mum’s?” without getting snapped at or told to be quiet, there is something badly wrong and frankly she must be walking on eggshells the whole time. It’s no way to live.

It sounds like he was still in holiday mode, but you went straight into "reality" mode - neither of you are wrong, just different.

You don't have to come back from holiday and leap straight back into doing all the chores and worrying about what's for dinner. Washing can be done as and when, the dog doesn't need to be walked straight away and dinner on the first day back can just be a chippy or a pizza.

In terms of his mums' birthday - just leave it. You don't need to get involved in presents or when he's going to visit. If he wants to buy her cheap flowers then that's up to him. I'm not sure I'd appreciate my DH getting involved in my mum's birthday, and I'd never have dreamed of asking him what he was doing for his mum - it wasn't my business.

It sounds like he's very good at setting boundaries but you feel the need to maybe compensate for that and go a bit OTT. Your kids are teenagers, now is the ideal time to step back and give them some independence.