Any men on here ? Where do you learn this script ?

It’s just immaturity selfishness and human psychology.

We didn't all make excuses for making a mistake.
Some of us admitted that we fancied the woman at work/in the shop/down the road and she responded.
So we carried on and caused a total uproar in 2 families. Then we got on with the repairs and I didn't do it again.
God forgives, I do understand about repentance. Mumsnet is tougher.

It's interesting that the script is used so often without any knowledge of the script. Does that mean that there's something more intrinsic here?
It seems to be more easily utilised because of how society is set up these days. People have forgotten that marriage requires work on both sides and if they feel unhappy, they know they're free to walk away and meet someone else.
Thank goodness that we're not forced to stay in relationships that we're unhappy in but some people are too selfish and too self centred to even consider their partners feelings. They believe their partner is there to service them. Mostly men, in my experience.

Man here... although the 'from the woodwork comment' implies despite asking for 'our' opinion, it's not actually wanted...

I think both sexes can have that midlife crisis, but I think for very different reasons.

If we're going strictly by the media propaganda (not my opinion, I'm stressing that!), women will do it because they're looking at their husband at 40, and wonder 'why'. He was the romantic, safe option. He's now a bit more settled, perhaps not pulling his weight, not buying flowers as much, maybe leaving the childcare to her, not spoiling her out on dates, etc. She's remembering all those men who were giving them attention in their 20s... all those now in the friend zone... She misses that excitement, that freedom, all that attention. She remembers how she could go to a bar (or online) and get hit on constantly. She's now getting flirted with by 'Chad' at work, and is thinking, why am I settling, I've still got it!'. She now cheats on her husband/leaves him, but now Chad is not interested because he was only after one thing (and a single mum usually isn't that thing).

For men, the propaganda is different. With men the narrative spouted online is that they typically meet someone, and settle down. Have kids together. Wife gets distant, preoccupied, bossy/stressed due to change in priorities. Chances are she's now 'settled', maybe has put on weight from having babies, has no desire to lose it (and probably complains constantly about how she's unattractive). Sex declines because of babies, time, hormones, etc. The incel community will then elaborate further and say she's also very hard to live with. Feminism these days isn't 'man provides, woman maintains', it's despite wanting to be paid for on dates, big ring, dinners, etc, woman wants to be equal. This means she wants to be a boss babe, rather than doting housewife. As a result, she is also argumentative, controlling, assertive... all qualities typically associated with dominant men, and very difficult to live with for men.

That's the 'script' that appears to be pushed online these days. The majority of MN posts seem to say that women just want support, and that women are leaving men because men are getting lazy and leave all the housework and childcare to the women... whereas the parallel sites for men will say men simply want attraction, sex and 'peace and quiet', and this is what men end up losing over time.

Then as OP alluded to... suddenly that 'Diet Coke' contractor guy comes into the office, makes her feel sexy again... or that curvaceous secretary, who actually has time for him... I'd imagine that "I've still got it" feeling in your 40s (say) is actually quite seductive for both!

And who said it doesn't work both ways? I don't recall posting that ever.

Some real halfwits on MN these days.

@DagenhamDanny anti men agenda?

More codswallop.

The op asked about men. Specifically men. Have reread.

Also this is Mumsnet.

The thing is, even if he never loved her and was never happy then he's still the asshole for marrying and having kids and wasting years of her life. I don't get why they think that's ok and why no one calls them out on it.

They act like their partners put a gun to their heads and held them hostage.

Before anyone comes for me, yes I know women do it to. Just change the pronouns to suit yourself.

I think women are judged too , but maybe a lot differently? People kind of expect men to stray more than women. If a woman leaves or has an affair they are generally given more sympathy I think ? Only my experience though as I've known more women to have affairs than men from people I've worked with or know about.

^ I believe this too. I know a few men who've either had quite big physical changes in their 40-50s, e.g. medically low testosterone requiring treatment, and/or who've had a significant mental health crisis at a similar age. Equally I've known women who've 'walked out' and have not been judged in the same way.

Yes, those ones.

Maybe it's true. Maybe they weren't always happy. Maybe they never fully loved you. Maybe you were a pain in the ass. Maybe it's bullshit and they just need to protect their fragile ego. Maybe none of it really matters now that you're apart. Take away the lessons that life gave you in the relationship and move on. Don't engage with the script.

Ah, yes. Those nasty, rascally "creepy…men" just lurking in the woodwork.

Men and women do this, but don't encourage the creepy MN men to come out of the woodwork.

It was between that and a pierced ear and I've already got a pierced ear.

They don't learn it.

They all think they are entirely original coming up with the bullshit they ALL come up with.

And they think they and their new girlfriend / supply are the first to ever feel twoo wuv.

And nothing and nobody must stand in the way of their cock twoo wuv destiny.

Man here. My ex wife used the script, and it was her affair (not the first) that led to us getting divorced.

asking in the way you have in such a pejorative way is unlikely to make anyone, man or woman, feel like talking about it

@OneTC that's a symptom of mlc.

I think the OP is asking why men suddenly turn round and say they were NEVER happy rather than saying they've grown apart, wanting different things now they are older etc. Most women say they've had enough rather than tell their OH that they were never right for them. That's the difference. It's about owning the decision.

I'm on a different script clearly, I missed the getting married and having kids bit but still fancy a midlife crisis. Will probably just get a tattoo 😎

Bit silly to generalise - I know women who do it more, is there a special script for them too op?

This.
Like little children who don't want to get told off, they lie about having done something naughty, and when found out, they look for excuses or someone to blame.
I have been on the receiving end of this and have also done it to a previous partner - I nearly had a breakdown because of the cognitive dissonance. I'm not a bad person, but I did a bad thing, really hurt someone who didnt deserve it, and couldn't live with myself.
It seems easier to lie and avoid the oncoming shitstorm.

Being brutally honest I think part of the issue is that few relationships are really that durable.

I agree that the “script” is shit and spineless and dishonest whether it’s delivered by a man or a woman. But I don’t think men and women are designed to stay together for decades on end.

Most marriages have a shelf life. It’s great ij the early years. It’s tough when children arrive but you stick together to get the job done. Most of the time when you both emerge after 18 or so years you are very different people with different goals and needs. In very few instances do I think couples really bring out the best in one another over the course of a lifetime.

I would prefer to move to a model in which people stayed together for the duration of the “heavy lifting” period of raising children and were then enabled to go their separate ways with an equitable distribution of wealth and with one another’s blessing.

Then there would not be a need for the sneaking around and cheating.

Marriage is too blunt an instrument for most people.