Page 3 | My sister is upset with me for snapping at her son

FionaHoney · 2024-08-23T20:57:57+00:00

My 6 year old daughter, and 9 months, is being bullied by her cousin. She has a doll which I bought her, the chad baby ava doll from argos, and she loves it very much and plays with it all the time at home. Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much. I tried to stop my nephew and "baby dave" politely by suggesting he give her the toy back. but he continued across Multiple visits with this cruel joke. Eventually my daughter and I had enough of "baby dave" and i snapped at him. My sister overheard and has berated me on whatsapp for being to harsh with him and hasn't visited since. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to make sure my sister feels welcome, but that "baby dave" doesn't make a return??

AndyandTerrysMum · 24/08/2024 02:41

Saschka · 24/08/2024 00:09

Yes all this handwringing is baffling to me - of course your aunt can tell you off if you are being naughty! Some of you must have some very stiff and formal relationships with your siblings.

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Some of you must have some very stiff and formal relationships with your siblings.

People do- being siblings doesn’t mean you have a close or open relationship.

My sister would definitely be pissed off if I told my nephew off.

My best friend however has been known to phone me to go round and sort her lot out when she is at the end of her tether.

startstopengine · 24/08/2024 00:29

You did nothing wrong. He was being a spiteful child and deliberately going out of his way to upset your daughter.

Mind you I would have made him a "baby Dave" T-shirt to wear when he comes over.

ILoveToCleanSaidNooneEver · 24/08/2024 00:20

spinningplates2024 · 23/08/2024 22:36

Do you want his name on here?

Oh god yeah. Callum, I know him. Little brat

Scorchio84 · 24/08/2024 00:11

Conniebygaslight · 23/08/2024 22:52

I think this just sounds like sibling brothers with their little sisters tbh, we had stuff like this all the time. I think you are more than reasonable to chastise your nephew and your sister would do the same if Callum had a younger sister.

It does sound like that & that's fair enough up to the point where it is actually upsetting your daughter @FionaHoney so you were right to step in, it's just a pity your sister didn't first

My son has just come back from a few days holidays with his cousins & I have no doubt there were a few disagreements (most likely over Hot Wheels) but I'm confident enough that his auntie & uncle would step in if things got too heated, you've done nothing wrong & tbh if I were you I wouldn't mind a bit of a breather from them & I'm sure your daughter feels the same

Saschka · 24/08/2024 00:09

hiredandsqueak · 23/08/2024 22:53

In our family it wouldn't be an issue, I've told off my sister's children and she has told mine. Any complaints would have been met with "well you shouldn't have been doing what you did then" We trusted each other to step in when necessary so there has never been any bad feeling between the adults.

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Yes all this handwringing is baffling to me - of course your aunt can tell you off if you are being naughty! Some of you must have some very stiff and formal relationships with your siblings.

zeldazoo · 24/08/2024 00:01

Well done for standing up for your daughter. I was bullied by my cousin growing up. It was open knowledge and never addressed by my family. Unsurprisingly I now live far away!

Crispsarethebestfood · 24/08/2024 00:01

I think the issue is probably that Ava is almost real to your 6 year old DD (I don’t mean that in a weird way, just that she has the imagination to almost see her as a real baby) and your nephew sees her as a toy and is finding a way to play. He’s also family; is 10; and is doing what older siblings do when they find a way to piss their younger siblings off without actually being naughty which is do it on repeat and then look innocent while adults can’t really explain why doing a voice is wrong…..
If your DD doesn’t want Ava to be played with as a toy that’s fine, but I agree with others, Ava is put away to avoid conflict. A separate question is your sister needs to understand that family will call her DS out on things or he will find invites out to be in short supply as he grows up.

NotSoHotMess24 · 23/08/2024 23:51

How does your sister suggest it should have been dealt with then, in her great and infinite wisdom?

Tahlbias · 23/08/2024 23:49

Is your sister, the type of mother, who thinks her on can't do no wrong?

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:38

Bear in mind, too, op, that as mums we kind of adjust our expectations ( as we should) for where our Dc are at. As a mum of a 6 year old girl who plays with her doll lovingly in a straightforward way, I can completely see that the puppeteering of a baby doll to sound like a grown man is a bit perverse . But for a ten year old boy it’s the one of a limited number of ways to liven the game up. It won’t have seemed as bad to your Dsis as it did to you. Neither of you is wrong; you just have different expectations of what is out of line. I’m just grappling with a few things with my Dc that horrified me when my friend’s older Dc did it - and I’m kind of thinking well, they do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2024 23:36

I wouldn't be inviting him over for a good while at least. I certainly wouldn't be keeping your DD's doll away from her if he did visit.

He's 10, your daughter is only 6. He needs to stop.

DisabledDemon · 23/08/2024 23:33

Flourpowwer · 23/08/2024 22:09

You will learn that when you live life by your rules others won’t necessarily like them. That doesn’t mean that you are wrong. Stick by saying your DD was upset by your DN behaviour, you asked him multiple times to stop and eventually you snapped. You are sorry if he was shocked but he was upsetting your DD and repeat. Don’t row back.

| wouldn't say I was sorry if he was shocked - he deserved it!

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:29

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:15

There are different ways of looking at that.

I don’t disagree the mother should have stepped in ; but op was essentially asking about her duster’s reaction and I can see how the sister might have felt vehemently overstepped. I can see both sides. For that reason I’d just try to stop it happening again by putting the doll out of harm’s way when he cousin is there. This still sends a message to DD that op recognises the value of Baby Ava to DD and doesn’t agree with her being upset, but it also obviates the need for a stand off.

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sorry lots of typos in that and I’ve missed the edit window. Not sure what flight of fancy my autocorrect was on with the duster and vehemently! 🤣

BabaYetu · 23/08/2024 23:27

"Sis, Callum was being a wee twat and wouldn't stop winding Dorcas up no matter how often I asked. You didn't do anything to stop him. WTF was I supposed to do?"

He's been a git to her, he finds it funny, her upset is probably even more funny, and until someone gets in his face and stop him, he's going to keep at it.

GreatMistakes · 23/08/2024 23:21

Why did your sister WhatsApp you if she was there to overhear you telling him off instead of speaking to you?

DoreenonTill8 · 23/08/2024 23:21

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 22:47

Just put Baby Dave away when Callum comes

The op should put away her daughter's toy, in her home, as a way to manage a ten year old? We're not talking about a toddler who might accidentally break something, but a 10 year old who should absolutely know better and know to mind his aunt when she tells him to stop doing something. That's just ridiculous.

Mn has been odd recently, multiple threads about tween/teen/early 20s boys and posters falling over themselves to day how they should always take priority over younger siblings/partners/anyone and should never be challenged or reprimanded no matter verbal or physical abuse/aggression.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 23/08/2024 23:16

Createausername1970 · 23/08/2024 22:20

If that is the whole story then I can't see the problem. Child A was upsetting Child B. Child A had been asked, nicely, numerous times to cease, but had ignored you. A much firmer line was needed

I would be saying exactly this to my sister. "As you know I had asked Callum numerous times to stop upsetting Dorcas, she doesn't like the game he plays with her doll. But he kept doing it, and for whatever reason you weren't asking him to stop. I had no alternative but to ask him very firmly to put the doll down. As he was consistently upsetting Dorcas, and you weren't intervening, what do you think I should have done?"

Love this reply!

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 23:15

Zet1 · 23/08/2024 23:11

Valuing family relationships means a 10-year-old should be told to stop teasing his cousin.

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There are different ways of looking at that.

I don’t disagree the mother should have stepped in ; but op was essentially asking about her duster’s reaction and I can see how the sister might have felt vehemently overstepped. I can see both sides. For that reason I’d just try to stop it happening again by putting the doll out of harm’s way when he cousin is there. This still sends a message to DD that op recognises the value of Baby Ava to DD and doesn’t agree with her being upset, but it also obviates the need for a stand off.

Copperoliverbear · 23/08/2024 23:15

I should think you'd be glad if she doesn't visit you, I wouldn't want them to visit me, maybe just met up with no kids for coffee. X

NiftyKoala · 23/08/2024 23:14

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Marseillaise · 23/08/2024 23:13

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 23:07

Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much

This doesn’t sound ‘very mean’ to me at all. It’s a ten-year-old doing a silly voice for a doll. He’s not damaging the doll or harming your daughter.

If OP's daughter is being made to feel very distressed, it follows that this is harming her.

cornucopiaoflove · 23/08/2024 23:13

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:39

I don’t think you were wrong to tell him, but being a hundred percent honest I’d be annoyed if my sister had snapped at my Dc. It was mean but it is actually also quite funny and it can be hard for an older boy to find a way to play with a cousin who doesn’t share their interests. Your sister probably sees it more that way (ie; thinks your dd is being precious and a tell-tale.) My mums sister ( my aunt) snapped at me once for telling on my older male cousin and getting him in trouble with our grandparents ( he’d been a bit of a tease ; I’d been a bit whingy. Similar incident). I have never forgotten it - she pulled me aside and reprimanded me . I told my mum years later and she was cross too so I think there can be emotions with these interactions. Just put Baby Dave away when Callum comes . If he finds something else, ask your sister to deal with it.

Ffs

lazzapazza · 23/08/2024 23:13

If she does not control her child then she cannot complain when you do. Take the opportunity to keep your distance from them both.

Zet1 · 23/08/2024 23:11

Calliopespa · 23/08/2024 22:56

I’m afraid I don’t think it is.
Family relationships are to be valued and so yes, I would try avoid the problem arising in the first place.
I didn’t say throw Baby Ava away. Her DD can have it again when he’s gone. I had an expensive toy my grandparents bought overseas and my mum used to put it away before play dates after a child played more roughly than I did and snapped a bit off. I was about 6 and completely understood why my mum advised this and was happy about it.

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Valuing family relationships means a 10-year-old should be told to stop teasing his cousin.

KreedKafer · 23/08/2024 23:07

Recently my sister's child, a boy, 10 years old, has been playing a very mean joke on her. the joke involves him finding the toy and pupeting it whilst doing a voice called "baby dave" which distresses by daughter very much

This doesn’t sound ‘very mean’ to me at all. It’s a ten-year-old doing a silly voice for a doll. He’s not damaging the doll or harming your daughter.