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Original poster

To feel apprehensive about moving into DP’s family home?

40 replies

Monkeytrousers04 · 23/08/2024 20:07

DP has recently inherited his mum’s house. It is a beautiful house, the DCs love it and whilst it’s 30 mins away from where we live now, with a bit more planning/ organisation it shouldn’t impact too much on our daily routines of driving the DCs to/ from school and us getting to work. I WFH 95% of the time and DP will be going back to work more of a hybrid model when he eventually returns.

Our house is too small for our needs now and at various points over the years, we’ve thought about moving and did have the house on the market for a while, but DP’s mum’s diagnosis (and Liz Truss’s mini-budget) put a stop to those plans pretty sharpish.

The house is the only family home he has ever known. He’s had every Xmas there since the age of two and it will be a huge wrench to sell it and move on. That said, he has often talked about selling it and our house and buying an amazing house for us all so he’s not 100% against the idea.

We’ve been spending quite a bit of time there since his mum died and despite my thinking the opposite, the DCs have loved it and never want to leave when we are there. They talk about how living there would mean they could have their own rooms (younger two currently share) and it’s safe enough for us to let our cats out and we could get a dog and generally I think enjoy a better quality of life.

We wouldn’t want to change schools so until the youngest leaves primary in 6 years time it will be a bit of a bind getting to/ from school each day. Where we are now we manage without child care as I finish work at 3pm but I wouldn’t make it in time for pick up if we moved 30 mins away. We would have to use a childminder for school pick up each day. DC1 starts secondary school next week and there is a train she can get, so once they are all there it will be fine.

So overall it feels like a good plan but the house needs a lot of work, definitely a new kitchen (DP agrees on this) and the bathrooms need sorting out (I think he agrees on this too). IMO all the bedrooms need new carpets, and given that all the downstairs carpets are cream I’d be inclined to change them too. BUT anytime I start a conversation along these lines DP gets defensive and thinks I want to change everything, which I don’t. I don’t think it’s because it’s too soon either, as we’ve talked about it in the past and it always end up with us agreeing to disagree, and the conversation never concludes. His parents had lovely taste in furniture overall. The only thing I’d like to change are the sofas as they are very traditional (and also cream). Our sofas at home are knackered so it would involve buying new ones which DP says is a waste of money. I’d also like to keep my dining table, I bought it for myself for my 40th birthday. Had it made especially to fit my kitchen with reclaimed oak and a matching bench and I saved up for months to get it. If we designed the kitchen right it would look amazing but again, DP wants to keep both the dining tables and chairs (there is one in the dining room and one in the kitchen currently). I agree that the dining room one is lovely but the kitchen one, whilst a quality piece of furniture is not really to my taste…

I suppose I’m asking how do I navigate all this? I’ve longed for a nice big family home for so long (DP has had to be dragged along to house viewings and has always said he’s happy where we are). I want to host Christmases with my family, I want the kids to be able to have friends over and sleep overs, and host their birthday parties at home, etc. etc. and also do some entertaining of our own - we always go to our friends houses and never invite them to ours as it’s so small and cluttered.

I’m also nervous about having no real stake in the house either? If we sell ours and pay off the mortgage then any left over will just go into the family pot so essentially I’ll have no assets to call my own, etc. what if our relationship ends - he could just kick me out?!

I do at least 90% of the household chores too so part of me is worried that unless I can find a way to be able to talk to DP about making some small changes/ improvements to his DP’s house, I’d essentially be living in his house, decorated to his (ie his DM’s) liking, doing all the housework with nothing to show for it at the end. We’re not married so unless he specifies in his will, it’d all pass to DC1 on his death as well.

Does anyone have and advice on this? Has anyone else been in a similar position?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Monkeytrousers04 · 30/08/2024 20:07

Thank you everyone… sorry for not responding sooner. Went back to work after 5 weeks off and it was all a bit much! Anyway, we’ve not discussed it much for a few days… I think because we were there everyday cleaning and tidying for the wake and there were relatives everywhere telling us we should all move in then we all got caught up in the moment.

I think he is still keen to do it but when I told him that I’d like to be on the deeds, he fell silent but hopefully it is permeating away in his brain. He agrees on the marriage thing and when he met with the solicitors this week they advised the same.

He wants to have Christmas at the house this year (he has done it every year since he moved in aged 2).

Anyway, DD1 (11) has said she’s not keen to live there as she is already going to a different secondary school to the majority of her friends but is looking forward to seeing them at the park, dance class, etc. so moving 30 mins away will put a stop to that. DD2 (8) when given the choice said sell our house and DP’s mum’s house and buy a big house close by. DS (5) wants to live at DP’s mum’s house, but obviously doesn’t fully understand the implications of this and also isn’t in many after school clubs that he would miss out on if we moved away.

I am so grateful for all your thoughts and opinions though. It has really helped me screw my head back on after all the emotions of the last few months so thank you.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 24/08/2024 16:23

Before making any housing decisions get married ASAP. Doesn't have to be expensive.

After that I just wanted to say I know a few families who have made it work moving into a family home through inheritance.

Both parties went in as equals and the properties were substantially updated, redecorated and sometimes extensions / reconfigured etc. They made it their own. They mostly did it as the location worked but also they saved hundreds of thousands of £££££.

Your DH may still be grieving and may come round to not leaving the house as a museum to his parents.

FatherConfesserTheGuesser · 24/08/2024 12:45

Get married. Don't delay. My friend is at the other end of this right now.

Wants to leave DPs family home but won't get anything.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2024 12:45

You're not married?

Nope. It will never be your home and he'll fight you over every change.

Has he even suggested it goes in both your names?

candycane222 · 24/08/2024 12:40

Honestly - you need to work out where is best for you all to live as a family, as dispassionately as you can. I'm not sure how many kids/what ages but-

assume you had the money from his dms house - what would be the best thing to do?

Buy a bigger home (with a decent garden etc..is that affordable?) close to where you are? Or move into dms?

Moving in to dms house has advantages (two transactions worth of delays and costs less) so moving there is certainly an option: but does this faff-and-money advantage outweigh the losses/costs in terms of extra travel time/loss of very local connections for all of you/definitely having to do work (versus either potentially moving into somewhere ready to occupy, or at least having all the decisions and negotations on an equal footing, without the ghost of dm holding on to her cream sofas....

Don't do something that is not the best answer for the whole family, just because it's (superficially) easiest (or even obvious). Try to think it through dispassionately.

MintyNew · 24/08/2024 11:31

You're in an incredibly vulnerable financial position. Can't he see that?

And you don't think op has the same responsibility towards herself? Why aren't you asking her.
Op I wouldn't do this as if it all goes south where do you stand. Also it seems like he doesn't want to change anything

museumum · 24/08/2024 11:19

It’s not at all logical that for nostalgia’s sake he’d rather give up the whole house than change it. Does he realise you’ll need to clear it out for selling?
would he really rather empty it and sell it then sell the sofas and dining table and redo the kitchen? I think you need to ask him that and if he would rather empty and sell it then go that way.
It does sound like you should marry though. You seem at a place in life where it really makes sense.

Needanewname42 · 24/08/2024 10:05

Op where is your own family and support network?

You have relatively young kids, if something goes wrong. Flat tyre etc who'd be able to collect your kids for you

TammyJones · 24/08/2024 09:25

To make it really work - and I would personally do this.

Move kids school - they will adjust

Repaint, replace carpets to put your mark on it - I advise this to anyone moving to a new property - (as soon as you can afford it)

( also redo bathroom/ kitchen if past their sell by date when you can afford it)

And finally get your name on the deed.

Dh will come round - sell it to him enthusiastically as a great adventure for you all , and the next exciting chapter in your lives

Lemons1571 · 24/08/2024 08:55

I think it’s all a bit too soon to make these life changing decisions. Give it 9 months for probate to go through and then revisit the options.

Needanewname42 · 24/08/2024 08:45

Various things make sure you are financially protected, a wedding doesn't need to be huge event. And be on the deeds.

I would wear out the existing cream / light coloured carpets and change when they are worn and dirty.

But DP needs to realise it's your house too not a shine to the past.

I'd consider moving all the kids schools, so they make local friends etc. Even if your oldest is Yr 6 due to go to secondary, I'd assume they'll go to local secondary so will end up leaving friends behind anyway.
Or at an absolute push move the younger kids and do the commute with the oldest if they only have a year left.

Createausername1970 · 24/08/2024 08:10

Monkeytrousers04 · 23/08/2024 22:36

Thanks everyone. You’ve all said what I’ve been thinking. His mum’s death is recent but she was poorly for a while and at one point we were going to move in to care for her but the amount of work needed to make that happen (downstairs bedroom & wet room for her) was too much for her to contemplate and she ended up moving into a care home. I guess what I’m saying is that we’ve probably had these conversations about the house a few times over the years and each and every time he’s got defensive… to the point where we just agreed that the plan was (until this week) to just sell both houses and buy one near to where we are now. It has only come up again as a relative at the funeral mentioned it and we’ve also spent a week there with the kids sorting and tidying and they’ve been talking about it.

So I’m not rushing anything but he has been bringing it up as it’s obviously on his mind. I’ve suggested renting out our house and he’s not opposed to that but I 100% agree with a PP that any changes should be done before we move in. I know DP and if we don’t do this it’ll never get done.

The school run wouldn’t be that bad as DP normally does it and then carries on into work (the school is near a train station). Then I do pick up, but would need someone else to collect them for me and hang on to them for an hour or so to give me chance to get there after I finish at 3pm. It’s not insurmountable but would be a faff. DP wants to try it out for a bit and then decide but I’m equally apprehensive about us all moving in to the house when it’s not really fit for purpose and then deciding to stay there and then having to coordinate all the work while we’re there…

Thanks also for the advice re the family pot. I’ve actually just mentioned this to him now, after reading these comments and he said himself that what ever money was left over from selling this house should be split and we each do what we like with our respective halves… so that was reassuring.

We have also (in the last week) talked about getting married! Neither of us have been fussed about it before but we both agree there are now practical considerations that could lead us down this path. It’s annoying but as he said, the cost of a wedding would be considerably less than the inheritance tax bill I’d get if he just left it to me in his will. Dead romantic, I know! Ha.

That sounds a bit more positive.

I suspect that once he has had chance to grieve his mum, he may feel differently about the house. He possibly found conversations about change and "what we can do after she has gone" a bit hard to deal with while his mum was actually still around.

We had to clear ILs place out and initially DH was proposing to keep lots of stuff. It all got boxed up in our garage while the work was being carried out. A few months later, when we were ready to move in, he was in a different frame of mind and able to let most of it go. (Thankfully, as I was getting quite stressed about where it would all go!)

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/08/2024 23:05

You don’t need to have big ‘wedding’ OP, so don’t let that be a stumbling block. If you don’t feel ‘romantic’, just have a registry office wedding and crack on with your lives, but with the added reassurance of being real , equal partners , not an unpaid housekeeper In someone else’s house.

Notthatcatagain · 23/08/2024 22:52

Cream carpets and sofas won't last 5 minutes with 3 kids, softly softly would be my approach, bide your time and don't be too fussy about shoes and lollies. However your table is none negotiable, make sure you are very firm about that. Get the kitchen done as soon as you've lived in it long enough to be sure of a good layout. Do the rest one room at a time. Either way get a wedding booked ASAP

Original poster
Monkeytrousers04 · 23/08/2024 22:36

Thanks everyone. You’ve all said what I’ve been thinking. His mum’s death is recent but she was poorly for a while and at one point we were going to move in to care for her but the amount of work needed to make that happen (downstairs bedroom & wet room for her) was too much for her to contemplate and she ended up moving into a care home. I guess what I’m saying is that we’ve probably had these conversations about the house a few times over the years and each and every time he’s got defensive… to the point where we just agreed that the plan was (until this week) to just sell both houses and buy one near to where we are now. It has only come up again as a relative at the funeral mentioned it and we’ve also spent a week there with the kids sorting and tidying and they’ve been talking about it.

So I’m not rushing anything but he has been bringing it up as it’s obviously on his mind. I’ve suggested renting out our house and he’s not opposed to that but I 100% agree with a PP that any changes should be done before we move in. I know DP and if we don’t do this it’ll never get done.

The school run wouldn’t be that bad as DP normally does it and then carries on into work (the school is near a train station). Then I do pick up, but would need someone else to collect them for me and hang on to them for an hour or so to give me chance to get there after I finish at 3pm. It’s not insurmountable but would be a faff. DP wants to try it out for a bit and then decide but I’m equally apprehensive about us all moving in to the house when it’s not really fit for purpose and then deciding to stay there and then having to coordinate all the work while we’re there…

Thanks also for the advice re the family pot. I’ve actually just mentioned this to him now, after reading these comments and he said himself that what ever money was left over from selling this house should be split and we each do what we like with our respective halves… so that was reassuring.

We have also (in the last week) talked about getting married! Neither of us have been fussed about it before but we both agree there are now practical considerations that could lead us down this path. It’s annoying but as he said, the cost of a wedding would be considerably less than the inheritance tax bill I’d get if he just left it to me in his will. Dead romantic, I know! Ha.

OP posts:
buttonsB4 · 23/08/2024 22:21

Sooo many negatives to this move.

You lose your financial security.

Half an hour drive to school each day (is that on a good day or in school run traffic?)

Having to sort childcare that you currently don't need.

Having to take on more housework (not sure why you're carrying the burden of this currently- misogyny I presume?)

Not having a say in how to decorate

Not being able to keep the furniture you love and worked hard to get.

But mostly, losing your financial security. Never, ever give that up, you and your kids could end up homeless, that would be a terrible mistake.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 23/08/2024 22:11

I'd want to be legally married, and I'd want to be able to refresh the house decor. Otherwise no go on moving to that house.

CitronellaDeVille · 23/08/2024 22:08

If we sell ours and pay off the mortgage then any left over will just go into the family pot so essentially I’ll have no assets to call my own, etc. what if our relationship ends - he could just kick me out?!

This is the most important issue here.

For the rest, can you afford to leave it a little while? It is such a wrench saying goodbye to a much loved family house after the loss of your parents.

If you do decide to live there your DP would need some time to make the transition from it being his parents house to yours. But in time of course it would need to be fitted and furnished for the next generation: you. Including your lovely dining table and bench.

Could you suggest spending a month if school term there, making sure he does his share of the school run? Am I right in thinking the school run would be a round trip of an hour, twice a day? No way would I do that!

Createausername1970 · 23/08/2024 22:06

We did this, but DH was on the same wavelength as me. I didn't want to live in a shrine.

We did have some interior works carried out before we moved in, and changed the layout and moved the bedrooms around. I wasn't, in any circumstances, sleeping in what was their bedroom and thankfully DH felt the same.

We have their nik-naks scattered through the house, but it was redecorated throughout, all carpets and curtains were changed, and the furniture is either our existing furniture or new. It is our home, and feels very much "our" home.

OP - if your partner is unwilling to change even basic decor, I would be very nervous of moving in. Even with your name on the deeds, it's going to be "his" home and not yours.

MounjaroUser · 23/08/2024 21:52

You're in an incredibly vulnerable financial position. Can't he see that?

I would say to him that unless you get married, you'll have to see a lawyer about this, but that you'd rather stay put than live in a house that's a shrine to his mum.

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2024 21:40

Meadowfinch · 23/08/2024 20:48

If you aren't married, there is no family pot. Don't be fooled.

I moved into my ex' family home and we lasted 12 months because he also refused to change anything, and expected me to fit into the domestic-shaped hole left by his mum.

I'd not be going anywhere without being 50:50 on the deeds, or married.

This. As it stands, it's his house (which he still sees as his mum's) and you're very vulnerable and have no control. Already it isn't looking good, with him getting defensive when you want to change anything. You'll never be an equal partner in this house.

Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2024 21:28

i was reading along just assuming you were married and your name was going on the deed.

I would not move in this situation. You should be an equal owner of the family home legally.

if he decides it is worth resolving that,

you should also have equal say in how the family home is set up. That is at least something you can work on. I would start with not moving in until the messier repairs and redecorating are done.

gamerchick · 23/08/2024 21:23

Is his mother's death recent? It's too soon to be talking about moving in and changing things. It's hard to let go and takes time.

I think I'd say there will be no selling of the house you're in for now and see how it goes. But he'll have to be open to changing the house to suit the family needs eventually or it won't work. In that case it'll be back to the original plan of selling both.

JanefromLondon1 · 23/08/2024 21:16

I'd say I'm either up for selling both and buying the amazing home you both agree on or you get put on the mortgage/deeds for his parents house but you have to be able to make it your home, unequivocally state that you are not living in a house where you aren't allowed to put your stamp on it.

Those are the choices.

DillyDilly · 23/08/2024 21:01

I wouldn’t move into the house as things stand, you’ll just feel like a guest.