Does anyone else not really have any friends?

I really think if you want a huge group of friends you need to put yourself out there. Me personally, I’m happy with a group of 15 or so close friends who I don’t see all of the time, but when I need them they’re there or make time for me when they can

@FluffyRabbitGal I don’t think this thread is mainly about people wanting a huge group of friends. Most people over the age of 30 don’t have that. It’s about the issue of having no or very few friends. I think those people would be happy with a handful or even one in some cases.

Also 15 close friends is a lot so not surprised you’re happy with that. I’m not sure if you were implying it wasn’t a lot but it definitely is
unless you’re in your late teens or early 20s!

Its harder now and everyone works. You dont want appear needy either for friends. Find dog great he gets me out that breaks up my mornings. I met a school mam last year but she too busy to commit now. We got on great but pity. Thats peoples reality now!

Totally agree with this.

I probably wouldn’t be able to cope with trying to find a partner these days. I’ve been with my partner for over twenty years so never been on a dating app or a blind date. In the olden days we met at work, uni etc and I think things were simpler. Ghosting definitely wasn’t a thing.

I'm not single but I am one of those people who think it's easier to find a romantic partner than a friend. One thing I find tricky about making friends is trying to work out if someone is open to the idea of having a new friend. I find many people, particularly women my age, are hugely busy with long term established friends as well as children and elderly parents. I also think a lot of people are suspicious of others ..I can guarantee if I went to the gym this afternoon and tried to chat to another woman, she'd most probably look at me like I was crazy

But say more about why it’s easier, @BargingOnBy — why does ‘knowing he wants to spend time with me’ outweigh all the high stakes stuff about dating? Do crossed wires, mixed messages, people who blow hot and cold etc not happen just as often in dating situations, where the stakes are way higher and the potential investment way bigger than in just making a friend? Do you not make an effort when you’re dating, regardless of having social anxiety, by putting yourself on a dating app, or swiping right, or agreeing to go on a date? why does social anxiety make making friends impossible but apparently doesn’t make finding a romantic/sexual partner anywhere near as difficult?

I mean, I’m a socially confident person who last went on a date in the 1990s, but if I found myself dating again, despite my confidence in making friends (with men and women), I think I’d really have to steel myself against things like being stood up, seeing someone look disappointed because I was less attractive than my photo (and vice versa, obviously), dates where it was obvious within five minutes he was awful, or, if, after three great dates, he suddenly stopped replying to my messages, or all the million other things that get detailed on the Relationships board.

I can’t speak for anyone else but this is completely wide of the mark for me (as one of the PP who said I found making a female friend harder than finding a partner)

I was merely saying that it is easier with a man because I would know that he wanted to spend time with me but I can never tell that with a woman.

It is easy to say “well just invite someone for a coffee” if you are not someone who struggles with social anxiety and making friends. That seems completely impossible for me so I guess it is my fault I have no friends?

@SeaweedSundress

How can this be easier and more straightforward than making a friend over a cup of coffee? The stakes are much lower!

I’m glad it’s not just me. I find this not just bizarre but quite frightening.

It raises several issues for me:

1. it makes me think that for a lot of people the whole objective of a social life basically revolves around finding a mate.
2. Which also explains why so many people struggle with the idea of friendships - because they don’t see value in them beyond their utility in finding a mate.
3. But it also goes some way towards explaining why people have such low expectations for the mates they do choose. Because if everything is oriented around “does he like me?” There’s not much room in the equation for: “Do I like him?”

Maybe I am overthinking this but it seems odd to me that we have pages and pages of people saying: “I have no friends”, and almost no one thinking critically about why that would be the case.

Yes, I’m also finding the strand of this thread about finding a romantic/sexual partner being easier and less stressful than making a friend really interesting. How can this be the case?

Assuming you’re looking for a relationship when dating (though I think that in practice some casual/no strings attached flings can end up being potentially emotionally complex for one or both parties), you’re auditioning someone as a potential life partner, with whom you will (usually) have sex monogamously, usually live with, often buy property with, often share finances with, possibly have children with, possibly be financially dependent on etc etc.

That is a huge deal. Choosing the right or wrong person has life-changing consequences.

Even at the immediate early dating stage, there’s considering whether you’re attracted to the person, whether you want to sleep with him, whether he wants to sleep with you, and, if so, you end up doing something fairly intimate together, which leads to either nice or not-nice discoveries (discovering this great guy has completely incompatible kinks or is dreadful in bed)…

How can this be easier and more straightforward than making a friend over a cup of coffee? The stakes are much lower!

I don’t have a big group of girlfriends but I do have friends. Sometimes I think I’d like to be part of a big group, I was as a teen, but now in my 50s I’m less sociable and cba! I do have 2-3 few small groups that go out occasionally though.

Its definitely hard. I find my neighbours keep to themselves. One says she has her own routine! I met a few through my kids sports thats coffee every few months. I wouldnt have anyone to go to a concert with. My sister has good few friends but said they make big efforts keep it going

@GreyCarpet

If a man doesn't like you, he just won't have anything to do with you. If a woman doesn't like you but you haven't quite realised it yet, it's harder because she'll still meet up for lunch/coffee if you ask and say and do all the right things but never reciprocate and quite often complain about you to others because you've irritated her rather than just not meet up in the first place (and MN is full of people posting because they're on one side of this dynamic in a friendship).

OK… so men liking you is better why?

Lets be brutally honest here: if a man “likes you” in this way and according to this perspective what you actually mean is he wants to have sex with you (or possibly to make you a domestic servant). Whereas if a woman likes you it’s likely to be much more nuanced and complicated and conditional on your behaviour.

In other words according to this worldview women have higher standards and want more from friendships than men do.

So why are so many people implying that it’s somehow better to focus on the relationship which revolves around the woman’s utility to the man as either sex object or domestic helpmeet?

It’s as if the last 60 years never happened…

I'm a SAHM and don't have any friends, I have one girlfriend I know from school who I meet up with every month or so with our toddlers as they were born the same day but that's it. I'm naturally a bit of a loner so I'm happy in my little bubble with my hubby and little girl. I am open to possibly meeting other mums once she starts school though.

I've recently reached my 60s but have no friends. I didn't go to uni, and didn't really stay in touch with high school people as so many moved away. I'm quite naturally introverted, which doesn't help. When I married and had kids, my husband alienated me from what few friends I had by leaving me to do all the childcare while he pursued his hobbies for hours on end.

Im friendly with people. There's a couple from a previous job that I message with every 2-3 months. Likewise, some ladies I met dog walking I'll maybe have lunch with as a group once every several months. No proper friends tho. No one who I message with regularly, go out with for coffees or have a gossip with.

Sad thing is my husband died recently and with my DDs grown and doing their own thing, I realise what a lonely life I have. Once I get admin and things sorted I'll need to find some hobbies of my own now that I have time, and will maybe meet new people that way.

DH often complains we don’t have the ‘friendships’ his parents had, but they were working men’s club friends only. They drank together and socialised but they didn’t see each other outside of that. So when they fell out of going they never saw them again. I don’t think they were real friends.

I knew I didn’t have ‘ride or die’ when DH was in hospital. Some people don’t even ask about what’s happening, I had known some of them for decades.

I'd agree with this.

I've put it down to the socialisation to be nice tbh.

If a man doesn't like you, he just won't have anything to do with you. If a woman doesn't like you but you haven't quite realised it yet, it's harder because she'll still meet up for lunch/coffee if you ask and say and do all the right things but never reciprocate and quite often complain about you to others because you've irritated her rather than just not meet up in the first place (and MN is full of people posting because they're on one side of this dynamic in a friendship).

I've phased out all of my 'duty friends' over the past few years - people you were friends with once but now only keep in touch with because you've known them so long for an annual catch up. Because all it becomes is an information exchange about each other's lives that you're no longer part of and, tbh, I'm not really interested in that.

All it took was for me to stop issuing the invites to weed out pretty much everyone I know! 😅

Hi xchrome. Could you invite the ladies round for a coffee? People often respond well to group invitations as they don’t feel too “ singled out” and it sounds as though they live nearby so it wouldn’t be a huge trip for them or anything. You could even organise something you need to do afterwards so that you can honestly say “ I will need to head out by such and such time“ to keep the interaction light and fluid, which I think is the key to “testing the water” with people early in friendships.

I'm similar. I have one close-ish friend but we rarely speak and only meet up a couple of times a year. I have a couple of work friends.

The rest are more varying degrees of acquaintance.

I'm getting married in a couple of years. Not planned so no invites yet. I have a few mutual friends with my partner. He has loads of friends. I know a lot of people but I think most would be surprised to be invited to my wedding and would feel like they must be a peripheral, make up the numbers friend whilst the other people there were my real friends. Whereas all of them would be in the same boat.

There's no one I would discuss personal stuff with. No one who really knows me.

The sad part is that, other than my brother, sil and niece (who i rarely see) and my own children, I don't have any family either.

I think it's important to have social connections. Small talk is often disnissed here on MN, but in my experience it's the way to find out you you'll gel with. Eg at work sometimes I get to chat to a college, but then we have to rush off. So it's the perfect opportunity to ask if they'd like to go for a coffee or something.
You get to know people via a bit of chat, and looking for things that interest you about each other. Taking an interest in the other person, while sharing a bit of your own stuff really oils the wheels of friendship.

I don't need 'ride or die' friends and I've never felt the needs to ring anybody at 3am over an emergency or a relationship breakup, which seems to be the definition of a good friend for some people.

Healthy friendships develop over time I think. I think it's nice to be able to have people you can have a good chat with, or equally company to see a film or a show. My parents were big 'club' and committee people, and always enjoyed the active social life that went with them. My father was a rotarian and my mum did inner wheel - friendship and service, or somesuch. I think active church membership or women's institute would offer the same. Even in her late 80s mother still goes out for lunches and coffee mornings with these groups. She's less inclined than I am to meet her friends individually- but the only group things I do currently are occasional work ones.

Tempted to look into WI myself now as it does mum no end of good having a social life into her older age. I recently accompanied one of her groups to see a musical, and we had a blast. There was a parade of walking trolleys and a couple of wheelchairs, and even one lady who was on 'day release' as she joked, from a care home. They don't tend to go in for deep and meaningful conversations- they are more the stiff upper lip variety, but they clearly enjoyed themselves and many of them have known each other for years. New ones have come along as others have shuffed off. I aspire to emulate a bit of that, alingside my individual connections.

I feel the same way. Social media is responsible for a lot of the demise of real life friendships. It seems people are less open to meeting others IRL and more concerned about getting likes from strangers or people they only know online. Loneliness is at epidemic levels according to sociologists. This thread certainly bears that out.

Thoughtful reply, thanks. I'm in quite a few groups for home education but, understandably, the focus is on the kids rather than getting to know the other parents.
I miss the days of being able to walk up to people and say "You look nice, let's be friends!"

I would suggest building a network of friends through the homeschooling. I know there are organizations which home-schooling parents join. They network and help each other.
Having only your husband is not advisable, because if something happens with your marriage, who will you turn to for support?
Having no university degree and nothing recent on a work resume always puts women in a precarious position if the marriage ever goes south.
I'm not suggesting anything bad about your marriage, it's just the law of probability.
Most marriages end in divorce. We must always assume a marriage might fail and be prepared for it.
Anyway, most people do need friends just for our mental well-being. Other home-schooling moms will understand what you're going through and support you. Just a thought.

I'm the same, no friends except my husband. I've had friendships and get on well enough with people but no lasting relationships with them. More like occasional acquaintances. Most people seem to have friends from uni (didn't go) or work (home-ed my kids so no workplace).

Yeah, I get that. As long as you have those ride or die people it doesn't matter if some of your friendships are shallow.

I think it has a lot to do with where abouts you are in your life. I’m 40 and childless, so I’m quite time rich compared with my oldest friends who have children. However I moved away from home to go to uni and then moved to somewhere else once I graduated, so catching up with friends from home or uni is a whole weekend kind of situation which happens once every year/ 18 months.
I found making friends really easy when uni, but when I moved away it was considerably more effort outside of that. I ended up joining all sorts of weird and wonderful clubs and groups to meet people and made friends that way. Even then, i only made close connections with 6-7 people, who i still keep in touch with or see. But again it’s difficult to see them all the time, as we were all much younger when we met and now people have other commitments or caring responsibilities as well as working, so only catch up monthly.
I really think if you want a huge group of friends you need to put yourself out there. Me personally, I’m happy with a group of 15 or so close friends who I don’t see all of the time, but when I need them they’re there or make time for me when they can.