Does anyone else not really have any friends?

My DH has no friends and is crap at making any. Doesn't seem to need any.

I have colleagues I am freindly with. We all work remotely so we don't meet up expect for the odd bit of work travel. I live near my sister and we occasionally do the odd social thing. I have a couple of long standing friends but they live hundreds of miles away so we chat by messenger now and then / occasionaly call / meet up once in a blue moon. No though, no other friends (people I choose to do social activities with on a fairly frequent basis). I am not unhappy about it though, my social battery is burned out with work, family, parenting etc.. so no time for anything more.

And I agree with your example..in dh friendship group, one guy might introduce one of his old friends or work mates and they'll all include him and it's no issue.

Yes there are definitely big differences imo.

Dh has loads of friends ..a few things I've noticed. If one of them is skint, the others all say, just come out anyway, we'll pay for you. In my female friendship group, if I have ever said I can't come out because I'm skint, everyone would just say oh well, hopefully see you soon another time.

I've also noticed in my DHS group of friends, they are all much more able to disagree on certain subjects without letting it ruin the friendship. So they may have different views on certain things in politics or the news, they will debate and discuss but still be mates. I find women are much more sensitive to these sort of differences in opinion and if you say the wrong thing, your friendship could be over.

Does anyone else thing male friendship groups differ from female?

By way of example, one of DH’s groups is 5 childhood / school friends. They recently bumped into someone else who they went to school with and knocked about with a bit over 25 years ago. The man is now part of the group and invited to get togethers.

I suppose he had an “in” because of the previous connection but I can’t imagine my female groups of friends being so welcoming, and I don’t really know why.

I have one female friend that I meet up with occasionally, as we both live far apart, otherwise, I don't have any female friends.

Looking back the ones I've had were pretty shallow, and fair weather friends. I'm not even close to my sister, and as I have a disability I feel deep down she feels embarassed by me.

At work, I find the women can be really bitchy, so avoid them as much as possible, and thankfully as my job involves me being out and about by myself, this is easy to do.

I actually feel more relaxed in the company of men, and the only friend I have close by now is my partner.

Yes, some people on Mn have very fixed ideas about friendship, and have ‘tests’ (whether it’s time limits on responding to texts, initiating contact, proposing outings, 3 am A and E trips etc), they are aggrieved about when they’re failed by other people. I personally don’t think 3 am hospital trips are much of a test of friendship — lots of people will help, if asked, in an emergency.

And yes, situational friendships are good, too. That they don’t last forever doesn’t invalidate temporary closeness and the value of that.

I had very concerning results from medical tests a couple of years ago when DH was working abroad and my closest friend was herself in hospital for serious reasons. I needed a new biopsy under anaesthetic. Randomly, I blurted it out to a newish situational friend (parent of one of DS’s friends) I think because I thought he wouldn’t be that bothered and that might calm me down. He was incredibly kind, checked in on me regularly till the surgery, picked me up afterwards and remembered the consult at which I was going to get the results of the new biopsy (clear). We’ve drifted apart since as the boys are no longer close, but I won’t forget that support when it mattered.

And some initially situational friendships do turn out to be something more. And friendships that have drifted sometimes return.

I had a big disappointment last week. Four friends, all from very different parts of my life, none of whom know one another, phoned within 24 hours and let me wail and self-castigate and really made a difference to my state of mind. One is a student friend from 35 years ago I’ve only recently reconnected with when we moved countries, one is an originally ‘situational’ friend from a professional network who called me from her holidays on the other side of the world, one dropped me out of the blue 13 years ago when I told her I was pregnant, and we’ve only begun tentatively reconciling, and one is my closest friend. Other than the last, I wouldn’t have necessarily thought they were the ones who would show up, but they did.

I only hve one friend. She’s my best friend and I love her to bits but we don’t see each other as much as we used to at the minute ad we’ve both got young children but at different stages.

Ive always struggled with friendships though and making friends. I was painfully shy as a child and can be a bit still now, I think I come across a bit weird at first as well but don’t know why or how to change that. The only time I’ve ever really made any friends in the past is when they’ve been forced to get to know me, like at school where we’ve been assigned seats next to each other that we couldn’t change 😅

My mum was widowed at only 63 and she looks likely to live till her nineties, so may well be living alone nearly as many years as she has been married. What kept her going has been her huge circle of friends of all types: 3 am, casual, hobby, travel... of all ages. She has a better social life than I do. She doesn't live near me, so she relies on them to fight the loneliness. She works hard at it; she is always having people over, texting to check on people, and keeps track of all her friends' grandchildren. ( I know that sounds exhausting but she retired at 58, so had time for all this).

I'm struggling to come round to a more realistic idea of friendship sometimes. I've mentioned it before but my own parents have no friends, no one modelled adult friendship for me apart from TV and films.

Now I get that the girl posse type friendship in fiction isn't realistic and I've learned more about what real life adult friendships look like. That doesn't stop me from thinking that they are a bit crap. Like how some people think it's normal for friends not to contact each other for years, I don't see the point in that. I think it makes me struggle with motivation.

I do have a couple of friends. One I only see a few times a year for days out/lunch. I don’t see her doing much else with anyone else though, just her husband and her sister.

I think what I miss is the group dynamic of friends. I was in a friendship group of 5, one of them is the friend above. One moved away and I message. One fell by the way side and the other one just dumped us one day, she was the one I was closest too, saw her frequently and messaged daily. One day she cut us off and got herself a brand new group. Weird thing is my existing friend sees her through work and she often complains she misses me and wants me to message her to catch up? Never contacts me herself.

I think when you are young and enthusiastic about a new friend it seems totally normal and acceptable. As you get older it’s treated with suspicion, it’s very hard to find a balance.

Exactly. I think a lot of people feel there’s no point bothering with someone unless they are going to be a 3am friend.

I think this is really short sighted. I have probably three 3am friends and they are all people I have known for more than 20 years. They didn’t start as 3am friends! In all three cases it was probably a decade until they got there.

I also think there’s a place for casual friends. There’s nothing wrong with situational friendships (such as through work, school or hobbies) if they enhance your life. It’s fine to take it as it comes.

The older I get the more I feel I need the company of women.
I do have a lot of acquaintances fro hobbies. But I still feel they add a lot to my life anyway. Not everybody has to be a 3 am friend.

The marriage thing with people saying their DH is enough. I have two friends divorcing right now after 30 year marriages. I also have a friend in her early sixties whose lovely DH has rapid onset Alzheimer’s at 65. Of all the couples I have ever known and I have known them for almost 40 years they were the most loved up couple ever. I was single when I first knew them and she used to say we can shut the door at the weekend and see no one and it’s enough. I remember thinking I can’t imagine loving a man and that being enough. I am very lucky to have my DH but I miss the company of women if it’s just DH and me.

I think that friends for a reason, friend's for a season rings true.

@Mairzydotes

While people don't want to be blanked or ignored by people they know in public, they also don't want people popping up from nowhere to have a chat whilst they are going about their business.

I mean that wouldn’t bother me. I would just see it as a normal day to day interaction. Fair if you don’t want it, it’s a free country.

But you (you generally not just you personally) can’t have it both ways: people seem to both feel resentful that they aren’t included in social stuff and have no friends but also be really reluctant to make any effort under their own steam.

You have to give a bit to get a bit back.

I didn't say anywhere I wasn't nice to people. I'm just no longer overfriendly . A quick hello in passing suffices.

While people don't want to be blanked or ignored by people they know in public, they also don't want people popping up from nowhere to have a chat whilst they are going about their business .

@Mairzydotes

In the past , I was quite naive , and would see everyone I met as a potential friend, and perhaps I came across as needy . If I saw someone in knew in public, I'd make the effort to say hello . I got no benefit from it , so I don't bother now.

This is what I don’t understand: why do you have to get immediate benefit from being nice to someone?

People seem bemused when someone they speak to doesn’t immediately become a BFF. No one is going to become a friend overnight. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the initial investment!

I don't have actual friends, just acquaintances and they are all from different situations. I find it hard to do things socially with people ,as they think I will do social activities with other people.

In the past , I was quite naive , and would see everyone I met as a potential friend, and perhaps I came across as needy . If I saw someone in knew in public, I'd make the effort to say hello . I got no benefit from it , so I don't bother now.

I have very little family either.

I had friends, turns out they were mostly situational friends. Once the situation changed , they slowly, but surely dropped off. I also have some friends at work, but it's similar and I know that if I didn't work there anymore, that would dwindle too.

I only have only one friend that I talk to regularly (daily basis) , but she lives quite far away so meetups are few and far between.

I have a few people I talk to on and off and maybe even see sometimes , but it's not good friend level of relationship(by most people's standards).

I'm not unhappy with it, but I do wonder sometimes if I'm missing out or if there's something wrong with me .

My friends have all come from some sort of shared experience, like going to the same uni or having babies at a similar time. A period of living near each other also seems necessary.

I have never been able to replicate this with the groups and volunteering that everyone always suggests, it's like the people there are too dissociated for friendships to form. I don't know how to make friends without some sort of structure.

I live alone, natural introvert, find friendship based on information exchange exhausting. Consequently struggle to maintain friendships. Used to work really hard at maintaining and nurturing new friendships. Again became frustrated with the ‘let’s meet in three months for a coffee’. Left feeling I was there to entertain them or simply fill their day. I am learning to nurture a relationship with myself and enjoy the light touch spontaneous connections that happen day to day.

I am sort of in the same boat. Friendships have fallen off over time. I still have a couple but we rarely see each other.
I have some at work and through a hobby but not sure if they are friendships rather than acquaintances . I try to arrange seeing people but I often find it comes to nothing.
I am pretty lonely really. Although I have a DH and DC.
I have a couple of friends who do have a group of girl friends and actually don't want to add any more. That's stung a bit.

Re the school and uni thing, well I have 2 from my schooldays and none IRL from uni anymore except on FB as they are living too far away. I did make the majority of my friends from an out of school activity as a teen though - we are all quite alike in our ways! I have also made friends through work places, as a mum through groups and school, and even friends of friends.

For me, friends are so important. I nurture my friendships and in return we support each other.

I'm a single parent so I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not. I had friends when I was married. They have always been an integral part of my life.

People so flaky now doesnt help friendships. No replies nothing. Puts you off plans. Think I just focus on 3 friends now. Met girl last year took her weeks to commit I thought it shouldnt be this much work!! Same primary school when young