Does anyone else not really have any friends?

My circle small. People dont commit or reply to messages now. Puts you off planning things. I met a girl last year we got on great same primary school but was def a one off. She too busy I think. Anyway since all this I dont get too invested now in people.

Good!

3am friends- is that a nonsense social media concept?

I’m feeling a lot different and a lot better - in case any randoms online are interested 😂

Or just people like my mother who only feel ‘needed’ when someone else is ill, poor, unfortunate or unlucky. She’s completely unaware of this, but you can feel her switching off if you phone her with good news or even in a happy, upbeat mood, and pricking up her ears at bad news.

It’s nothing intentionally malicious, but it’s very difficult to be around. She borrows bad news from the news, preferably local, if there’s nothing going on in her immediate circle, and will only remember anything she’s told about my friends/colleagues if it’s sad. Like the only thing she remembers about one of my colleagues is that he once had a bad head injury — fifteen years ago, entirely recovered.

While I think that’s absolutely true, I think that having it as an absolute metric of friendship is probably not helpful (maybe no absolute metric ever is?) One of my closest, oldest friends has achieved remarkable success in a field I’ve struggled to get even a foothold in, and there have been times when I’ve had to say, in all honestly, that my complete delight for her about some specific achievement was mingled with sadness at my own failure. The two things aren’t related, obviously, and her success has nothing to do with my lack of success, but it’s not a barrier to our continued friendship the way it might have become if I’d suppressed my feelings. A good friendship can survive and even thrive with good communication about difficult feelings.

I meant to add that I detest gossip & talking about other people & don't engage in that at all.

I'm discreet & can 100% keep a secret.

I'm I'm my 50s & I have a lot of friends. My 2 closest span back to meeting one in primary school & one in secondary school. They're like sisters to me & our bond runs deep. One lives in the same city & we see each other frequently both alone & as part of a wider group.

The other lives 3 hours away & we message pretty much daily & meet in person whenever we can.

I have other friends from my 20s & see them v often.

I work in a creative sector & I've come to the conclusion that because we spend so much time discussing ideas & realising projects with people who are mostly aligned in their approach to life it naturally leads to friendships forming.

I also put effort into maintaining friendships. I respond when friends contact me. I initiate contact. I make time to meet up. I invite people to things. I host people in my house. I'm enthusiastic about planning things in the future & then look forward to them.

I don't say yes to things I don't enjoy & then dread it as it draws closer - for instance I don't enjoy festivals or gigs so if friends are planning getting tickets I am up front straight away & nicely say it's not my thing but u hope they have a great time & thanks for thinking of me.

I'm not possessive about friends & actively introduce people who I think will hit it off & I love it when they do. I do this a lot professionally too - often leading to new projects.

I have interests outside work & I engage with people there too & have several I'm in WhatsApp/ email contact with & we have the most fantastic chats about our (niche) shared interest.

I also have a dh & almost adult dc. We love travel. I spend a lot of time with them buy life is RICH & there are so many opportunities to explore & keep learning & growing.

I feel a bit sad at the thoughts of people hiding away at home with only their immediate partners & kids.

My mother did that - she had not got a single friend & then her world imploded through illness & crises & it was dreadful. She had noone.

Kids grow up & need to become independent. We have to let them go & live their own lives. That's the whole point. I feel strongly that showing them how to live interesting, fulfilling, rich lives is the best way - by doing it yourself.

@Newstarts1

Indeed. Sometimes the proponents of 3am friendships are actually grief vampires who like people to stay in their lane.

I have long standing friends who live all over the UK and I very rarely see, just FB contact. No real local friends and I'm so busy as a single mother I'm not spending time making them. If my family can't give support that I need I have to buy it.

Being able to celebrate someone who has something that you want is true selflessness

Absolutely. What I learnt was the 3am friend can be secretly gleeful and find your struggles entertaining. Being happy about your friends growth, progress and achievements is so much more important.

I think I like that definition. Being able to share in other people's joy is such an important part of life I think.

@WithIcePlease

However, listening to a Diary of a CEO podcast recently on friendship which wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, the guest said that actually a true friend is someone you can call up with great news and they'll be genuinely pleased for you.

You have hit on something really important here. The “3am friend” is always used as the bellwether of true friendship but you are right that being genuinely happy for someone who is doing better than you is a better test.

Being able to celebrate someone who has something that you want is true selflessness.

I'm near Hull?

Just wanted to say a bit about the misunderstood introvert...

There's a difference between being an introvert and being socially anxious, in my mind at least. Although you can be both things, they don't necessarily have to go together.

I'm an introvert but I do have quite a few friends. I can't do small talk and I prefer one to one contact to groups. Conversations with the right person energise me enormously. I function particularly poorly in groups of more than six people, even if I know them well.

Up to 40% of people are introverts. There are lots of defining features, if you like, but for me the standout one is the fact that introverts recharge alone.

I have read lots about the introvert mind, and what we can bring to teams at work. I now understand myself much better and realise that while being an introvert brings challenges socially, it also brings real strengths.

But what if your loved ones stop being your loved ones? Does it not scare you to have all your eggs invested in a single basket?

Love this! I’ve been reading this thread with fascination that so many of us are in similar situations. Over the years I’ve struggled with a strange mixture of being a party animal and with (quite severe) social anxiety in groups where I wasn’t familiar/didn’t feel comfortable. I think having kids, therapy, growing up and doing some work on my relationship with the world has made me much more accepting.

@theleafandnotthetree this idea of being excited for all the friends I haven’t met yet would have been helpful years ago but I think I, and many of the other posters on here, should totally embrace this!

I’m from Yorkshire @StrawberryFire , South Yorkshire, I’d love to go for a coffee with you if you’re nearby?

Nowhere near Yorkshire I'm afraid....im in the south east

I have 3 close friends who I could phone at any time and tell anything to but they are all in different parts of the world so actually meeting up with them is quite difficult. Then I have a couple of 'mum' friends who I see with the DC and a handful of 'mum' acquaintances who I speak to and see in larger group gatherings but wouldn't necessarily arrange to met up individually with

the guest said that actually a true friend is someone you can call up with great news and they'll be genuinely pleased for you

This is such an important element of friendships for me. It’s a non negotiable.

I had a few old friends who used to love listening to any issues I had and while I thought they were empathetic now I see it actually just made them feel better to see me struggling.

A few years ago I had a lot of good things happen over a 1-2 year period and I was so proud of what I was achieving. Each time I shared a new piece of news with them they were so cold. I was so confused because I’d celebrated along with all their bits of good news for 10+ years but now they seemed to be begrudging some good fortune coming my way?

One rolled her eyes at me when I told her how I was enjoying my new job (that she told me not to bother applying for as I wouldn’t get it ) and another abruptly stopped chatting to me on WhatsApp when I shared the achievement of a lifelong dream during a chat conversation . She had been relying within seconds up to that point then she just went silent. That was a real gut punch when I saw the two blue ticks then absolute silence . She didn’t reply at all for 3 months and even when she did she didn’t say congratulations.

It says a lot about people who have so much and yet still can’t celebrate their friends good news.

Interesting re definition of a true friend. That's what I would have said.

However, listening to a Diary of a CEO podcast recently on friendship which wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, the guest said that actually a true friend is someone you can call up with great news and they'll be genuinely pleased for you.

That feels an even higher bar if I'm honest.

i don't have any friends. I'm completely ok with it though. Spending time with my loved ones is enough for me.

I'd love it if someone asked me for coffee. Are you Yorkshire? If so I'd meet you for a coffee

Well said.

I am also liking the 'social muscle' imagery.

I am absolutely the same as @CharlotteRumpling re a person not being able to / not wanting to join me at an event. I just don't get this paranoid thinking of "X doesn't like me" or "What have I done to upset X?" when the most likely reason they aren't joining you is any one of:

• they don't like that sort of play
• they've already seen it
• they are somewhere else that night
• they've just got a really busy week and don't have the energy to go out that night even if they aren't already out
• they can't get a babysitter / parent sitter / whoever else they might be caring for sitter
• They are skint / saving for something and can't justify this treat at that time

this week I messaged a friend and asked if she might be interested in seeing a play. She said no. I assumed she was busy and it was too much of a trek, not that I am horrible

@CharlotteRumpling it sounds as if you are someone who still uses the “social muscle”. If that was the first time you had contacted anyone to propose doing something for years it may have become magnified in importance in your brain, a bit like it may seem daunting to propose a first date if you are coming out of a 20 year marriage.

I keep coming back to the fact that the only real solution to this is to make sure you keep the social muscle working, even if it’s infrequent.

There are so many posts, on this thread and many others, from people who vastly overthink interactions with other people which could potentially lead to the creation of a friendship or which could fall under the umbrella of friendship forming behaviour. She didn’t message back within three hours: block and delete. She wasn’t free Thursday night: she must be cow. She blew me out because her kid was sick: too much drama.

In the vast majority of cases these things are nothing. They are nobody’s fault, they are just trivial things and not intended as sleights. But people persistently over interpret and interpret negatively.

When people invest too much in any relationship it shows and it’s off putting to be on the receiving end. A lot of people scare potential friends off because they overreact to things like this and behave in frankly mad ways, making themselves look unstable and needy.

Thr social muscle is what keeps your hand in and normalises these things so they don’t assume gargantuan importance in your own head. And the people who retreat from society because of “my little family” (or whatever) lose the muscle.

Use it or lose it.