Does anyone else not really have any friends?

I used to have a huge group of friends, like you see in films, books, series etc...
It all appeared idyllic.
It wasn't.
I was actually deeply insecure and was collecting friends like pokemons, because it gave me a false sense of validation. The more friends I had, the more it meant I was a great person. Everyone in that group was doing the same, but it was a smoke screen.

Now I just have a few friends, and I mostly see them in very small groups, often just one at a time, but with them I feel I can be myself and vulnerable, and so can they.

looks like you have friends, maybe you can try to nurture those friendships rather than aiming for a group just for appearance.

Hear hear. It’s so shortsighted to think marriage negates the need for friendship.

Taking a whole of life approach I can honestly say that the women I know who are and remain the happiest and most engaged in life - right up to very old age - are those with really good friendships. It is pretty fundamental. This does not preclude them from having good marriages and good rationships with children etc but I genuinely think that good friendships where there is fun, practical mutual support, care, laughter, company etc is almost MORE important.

Again, not true. Why does a group of friends have to be 100? 5/6 can be a group of friends, and very good ones!

This outlook is what makes people miserably unhappy and lonely in middle age.

You are happily married and that’s enough? That’s great… until you’re not! Do you really think it’s sensible to put absolutely every egg into one basket?

You say female friendships create “drama”: that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Female friendships if done properly are hugely life enhancing. You just have not had the right friends. I urge you to reconsider this: you are missing out on so much happiness and leaving yourself dangerously vulnerable.

I have to disagree with this...I think it's far easier to find a romantic partner than it is to find friends.

Such a cringey thing to say. Men have plenty drama too, depending on the personalities. Maybe you just attracted poor personalities in the past, can’t say I’ve had drama with my friends since high school

I've a best friend and some smaller circle of friends.

Seeing as you have 2 children, I assume you have, or had, a partner? Partners are a lot harder to attract and keep than friends, so I’m sure you can do it

@SeaweedSundress

Whereas the rest of us don’t have such a strong narrative of what should happen when, and are open to making friends at any point. I’ve moved around a lot, so I’ve had to be pro-active about landing somewhere new and looking around for opportunities to meet people I may like. And this is despite a neglected childhood with timid, withdrawn parents who never modelled fruends, and bullying at school. I’ve worked on my anxiety through therapy. It’s also a muscle that gets stronger with use.

Totally agree. I think a big big factor in all this is also that so many people basically give up on making any new friendships when they have a partner/spouse and children, then they bob along for years in the family bubble. Then they wake up one day and say: “wow I dont have any friends!”.

Well… yes. Making and keeping friends is something people have to work at. You don’t magically make a full set of friends which remains pickled in aspic at 21. It’s an evolving process and it needs a bit of work and commitment.

Some people do struggle with anxiety and a sense of loneliness and it’s important to be aware of this: this must be really hard and I have sympathy.

But a fair few people are honestly their own worst enemies. I see posts all the time on here from people who say they don’t need friends because they have “my little family” and who shut the world out and get the hump about being asked to socialise through work.

These are usually the same people who are blindsided when their marriages break up 15 years later and find they have alienated all their friends by not being available for them for years because they were too busy with “my little family.”

Some of my closest friends I met at uni but some I met while living abroad immediately after and again living abroad in another country about a decade later when I was in my early 30s. I do think Uni is a good time to meet friends for many of us (and to meet partners!) but definitely not the end of the world if you don’t. There will be other opportunities.

The friend I talk to most regularly now in my late 30s is one I met in 2020 through what I’ll describe as an online hobby turned career group. She’s not necessarily my closest friend but she is a good friend!

In my mid 20s I still had quite a few friends from school, who either caused me a lot of drama or we just lost contact with each other. I eventually ditched them, now I’ve only got two of them I see very sporadically and interestingly neither of them were actually my classmates .

One of them I’m very close to but I think of her as more of a little sister (she’s a few years younger than me)

Agreed. I loathed school and have only kept one friend from then, and my university crowd were largely situational. The vast majority of my friends were made over the age of 25. It’s absolutely possible, and in many ways creates stronger friendships, as you’re more of a full self. I think the kind of people who claim making friends post-school or -university is impossible are the kind of people who have a very ingrained sense of ‘life stages’ eg ‘This is school and university, the time for fun and making friends. This is the stage for settling down and getting on the property ladder. This is the stage where I get married and have children. I may be allowed to make some ‘mum friends at this stage, but really, I’m supposed to have a full friend quota by now.’

Whereas the rest of us don’t have such a strong narrative of what should happen when, and are open to making friends at any point. I’ve moved around a lot, so I’ve had to be pro-active about landing somewhere new and looking around for opportunities to meet people I may like. And this is despite a neglected childhood with timid, withdrawn parents who never modelled fruends, and bullying at school. I’ve worked on my anxiety through therapy. It’s also a muscle that gets stronger with use.

Did you mean to be so rude? Yes, of course you did.

@StoneTheCrone do you not Hugh people can make friends through hobbies or social events? Not everyone goes to uni and for many, school is not always a positive experience.

@StoneTheCrone

I think Uni and high school are the best times to make friends though. Miss that and you're screwed.

This is alarmist nonsense and irresponsible to post on a thread where people are clearly distressed about it.

If I think of my closest friends the majority were not made at high school or university, they were made as an adult.

Just because you find it unusually difficult doesn’t give you the right to scare the wits out of others.

I entirely see why Mn gives them a voice. Yes, I should have said ‘don’t or can’t do friendship’. And yes, it can absolutely be circumstantial.

I made a lot of friends at work but over time realised we had little in common, other than choosing the same career. Whenever we met outside of work, talk would always inevitably turn to work and I got fed up with it. I don’t want to think about work outside of it. I’d try to bring in 101 different topics but got nowhere! Then covid hit and I just let them all drift.

I’ve also moved around a lot so friends I had in the past have drifted. I used to travel to see them but they were never willing to make the effort to come and see me so I stopped bothering.

Now the only people I really speak to are my sister and my 2 adult DC. It mostly feels like enough. I feel like my life is quite busy and I’m not sure I have the time or energy to maintain friendships on top of that. It’s also why I’m single. So I guess if I had the time/motivation to seek another human connection, I’d be more likely to look for someone to date rather than just be friends with.

I know lots of people and they would call themselves my friends. But I could call only one of them, plus one family member, when the black dog visits. So it depends how you define friends.

I don't. I have a now adult severely disabled daughter living at home . Any friends i may have made over the years when other kids were at school have disappeared as I don’t have time or the mental energy to be a good friend back . I am a bit lonely, but am quite a reserved person anyway so it’s not too bad I suppose.

🤦‍♀️ You may have lots of friends but you lack any kind of empathy! Be careful...this may affect those friendships in the future! 🙄

I used to have a group of school friends. To be honest I’m quite introverted and struggled with the drama. I ended up being badly bullied by one of the other girls and cut ties with the whole group to avoid her. I was so lonely. My best friend was my dog (still is!). I found it hard to trust anyone over the next few years. So I know what you mean about the weekends!! I joined some hobbies to fill my time and slowly made a couple of lovely individual friends on my wave length. I much prefer these friendships and find them much more meaningful than the previous superficial group. You don’t need a large group op if that’s not for you. Adult friendships can take more effort so honestly one or two can be easier to manage. I set myself a target to see each friend once a month as sometimes life can get busy with other responsibilities so find it best to try and plan ahead.

Yes and no. I have large groups of friends linked through different activities and places I’ve lived (my job means I move every few years). There’s not a lot of overlap between these groups. And since I move and travel for work - my friendship group is really geographically spread out

my most recent move hasn’t led to friendships that have gone beyond the activities we do together. I’m not sure staying in this town is a good idea even though I’ve finally got a chance at some stability - but a couple years in and I’m still really isolated and no clue how to fix it (what’s worked for me in the past had failed here).

It’s not like I don’t do anything - I’m in multiple clubs/groups with regular activities I do every week. I enjoy them and have friendly acquaintances. But if I stopped turning up I suspect overwhelmingly they might just kind of notice Ruby’s not been coming lately - but that’d be the end of it.

I’m terms of most people. I think (and it’s purely my thoughts here) friendly acquaintances and situational friends are common. I think having a couple much closer friends is more common than a large group of close friends. I think language influences how we perceive other people’s friendship groups (do people say this person I chat to every week at the dog park … or do they just say “my friend” when telling a story). Some people include a broad group of people as who they see as friends, others are far more restrictive in the title.

I do know (because there’s been research on this) that lonlieness is a huge problem, and feeling lonely and isolated is not uncommon but sucks. People can feel lonely when surrounded by people. People can also be genuinely isolated.

I'm late 40s, I have two friends I'd class as proper friends.
I haven't seen either for several years but we just slot straight back if that makes sense 😁
Another one I met on the school run - when my eldest started primary, started meeting up for Spoons breakfasts. 😁
; Tried doing the whole group friendship stuff at around the same time, quickly learnt not for me.
Could not be arsed with the cliquey'ness and bitchiness.

I have a couple of friends, we meet up once or twice a year and speak to online sometimes. I find managing relationships difficult. I used to think I was missing out but now I’m perfectly happy.

I don't have friends, but I'm quite happy with that.

I'm friendly with work colleagues, but don't see them outside work and know that their friendship is purely circumstantial. If they or I were to leave, we wouldn't keep in contact.

I socialise with the wives and partners of my husbands friends but they aren't my friends. If we separated, I'd never see any of them again. Same goes for his family - we get on well, and I'm friendly with his sisters, but if things went south we wouldnt keep in touch.

I don't use facebook which feels like the biggest barrier to keeping in touch with old schools friends. Plus I moved away from the area I grew up in, so never bump in to anyone I know.

I have friendly conversations with a couple of the mums I see at school pick up, and my son's best friend's mum is quite nice, but we aren't friends.

The only people I actively socialise with are my family; parents and sister. And they live far away, so it's mostly via our whatsapp group.

I'm aware I'm very introverted. I used to feel sad that I didn't have a group of friends, but I don't anymore. My capacity for social interaction can just about cope keeping up with family and the various acquaintances I see day to day. I doubt I'd make a very good friend. I just like my own company.