Does anyone else not really have any friends?

I have a couple of groups of friends, one a mixture of childhood / uni friends that has amalgamated over the years, and a group of friends I’ve picked up post-Uni, through work, friends of friends, etc.

In the latter group is say I’m good friends (in the sense I would and do see them individually with 3 of the 10). The others I’m friendly with, but don’t see outside the group and if the group fell away, I probably wouldn’t see them again. I’d say that’s probably the same for others in the group too.

Nope hardly any friends. Feel feel to PM me or anyone that wants random chats.

Yes, I am in London and find it easy to keep my friendships going. I don’t know how it would be if I moved to a different country. I imagine it must be much harder. Especially if there is a language barrier. Although there can also of course still be a cultural divide.

The one thing I would say is that it is never too late. I met my closest friend when I was 45! I always make an effort when I meet new people and make them feel welcome. Then the person I met age 45, we just suddenly clicked and now we message most days and meet up regularly. of course I also see my friends from when I was at university but for some reason this woman and I really clicked as we have the same views on most things and the same humour.

You never know who you might meet as a friend so I would say don’t give up hope, and keep an open mind.

My parents are in their 80s. The friends of theirs who are doing the best are the ones who have had an active social life and friends. Having kids does not seem to have made a huge difference to their well-being in that their adult children often busy with their own lives or working elsewhere. What does make a difference is having friends to meet up with for coffee or walks or just pop over with a bag of apples from the tree.

I think maintaining friendships does take effort. There are of course valid reasons beyond someone’s control why they may end up with no friends. But I put a hell of a lot of effort in my twenties and probably more so in my thirties to keep socialising despite working full-time and having young kids. Now our kids have now left home for University and I am so glad that we have these friendships to fall back on. My husband and I have different friends as well as the ones we have together. I think it is important not to depend on your partner for your social life if possible. I know not everybody can achieve that.

I genuinely have zero friends - relocated for work to the other side of the world and can’t seem to find anyone who wants to spend any time with me. In London I had a huge bunch of ‘mates’ and some close friends I’d see regularly, who I miss a lot.

Over here, I’m always saying hi to everyone at morning school drop off, and am trying things like swimming and hoping I can strike up a conversation - but I can’t seem to get to friendship level.

@Screenshotted

People need not to stereotype 50% of the population. Ironically, the posters perpetuating these sexist tropes about female friendships are of course women too.

They are also invariably the same people who turn around when their marriages fail and say: “Where did all my friends go?”

After they have neglected them for decades because of the “drama” and the importance of focusing on “my little family”.

Lots of sexist views on this thread. With the pick-me comments about ‘I prefer male friends’. My women friends over the years have offered me kindness and support, as I have to them. No drama involved. Well not past the teen years and I am in my fifties.

People need not to stereotype 50% of the population. Ironically, the posters perpetuating these sexist tropes about female friendships are of course women too.

Sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you and you find at least one friend.

Do you have any other strong relationships in your life?

I have one friend she is 12 years younger than me I'm mid 40s but she just started her family .I'm mum of teenagers. We had good and bad times but always work to improve so is not easy relationship. Also I have a gay friend I see him ocasionally. I'm extrovert so is hard for me to be lonely. I use meet up groups to go hiking and socialise for sometime already but haven't meet anybody interesting enough to call a friend. I'm very serious about frenships as have been used by people in the past. I'm very sensitive and overlooking as well which makes harder to build any miningful friendship with me. I also find that the most toxic people I know have large friends circles. I don't like small talk I like men company more than female company.
I have also lovely ladies at work I WFH but we socialise occasionally although I don't know if I leave we will keep in touch. Ladies are older then me 10-15 years or more.

I have quite a few best friends and good friends I like and trust, spread over the globe but personally I think having 3 close friends is a healthy amount.

Not everyone needs to have a massive group or extensive network of friends.

I used to have way more friends but IMO it’s quality > quantity.

I’d say the issue is when someone has no one at all to call a friend.

I have a couple of good friends and the rest are acquaintances. I find friendships can be exhausting tbh sometimes, I'm very much an introvert and like staying at home.

Its hard. I find people dont make efforts now. Must catch up soon xx texts. I focus on 3 good friends thats it. My daughter in football and said big groups can get bitchy. You can see how hard it would be to meet new people.

Its really risky and harmful to teach people that once they are in a marriage they can rely on that one person for all their needs. I think this is major factor in the loneliness expressed by so many people on these threads.

So true. All my friends from my early 20s who are happily married and in many cases have kids, still kept a decent number of their friendships going. I find it surprising when people on MN saying they don’t have friends anymore because they were too “busy with their family” or partner. I can only imagine they weren’t solid friendships to begin with.

It’s one thing not seeing friends a lot due to physical distance, clashing schedules or difficulties with childcare or whatever and yeah you will lose friendships along the way as you age, but to have all your friendships completely disappear isn’t healthy.

But that’s at the heart of a lot of our problems in my opinion.

Society funnels people into marriages and monogamous relationships with this desperate urgency. Not only are they not suitable for everyone but even if it is right for you a marriage, even a good marriage, is never going to satisfy all of someone’s needs.

We all need people we can talk to outside of our relationships and family and we all need perspective and variety. And nearly half of all marriages fail.

Its really risky and harmful to teach people that once they are in a marriage they can rely on that one person for all their needs. I think this is major factor in the loneliness expressed by so many people on these threads.

They find “the one” (or what they believe to be the one), and they stop using their social muscles. They then invest everything in this relationship.

For our sanity and wellbeing we all need friends outside the family.

That’s an interesting perspective. I think it’s harder not to find, but to maintain a relationship with a partner than with a friend. As a lot of the reason I think friendships fail is because it becomes one-sided or people don’t make the effort.

You have to put a lot of effort to maintain a relationship, especially if you want to progress to marriage etc.

I've seen a few comments saying a partner is easier because ‘I know if they like me’. But a relationship is SO much more than simply liking someone at the outset.

I also feel that society thinks looking for a romantic relationship is a normal thing to do but when people look for friends, they are viewed with suspicion or pity or seen as sad cases.

In terms of social anxiety, I'd rather go on a blind date than strike up a conversation at the school gate with a random mum.

I'm not single but if I was I know I'd find it much easier to find a boyfriend than make a new friend.

It requires A LOT more effort and time to choose the person you want to live and have children with.

Maybe that’s why the relationships board are in the state they’re in then 😂

I'd love to find 'my tribe' but they seem to be hiding behind a very big tree or something!

If you have experienced difficulties socialising then you can easily withdraw or just stop trying. I've always had friends but a lot less than I used to. I think people just drift away sometimes, it's not a big fall out just less interest over time. If you don't work and don't like groups how do you meet others to befriend (as if that was easy)?

That’s true. I have quite a few people I go to coffee or lunch with or whom I see at dinners etc but what I would discuss with each of them varies quite a bit in terms of really sharing my feelings on all topics. Some I would talk about, say, our holiday, what there is to do in the area, recommend places to stay, say what the Dc were up to, ask how their house move was going, moan about builders etc etc but wouldn’t necessarily discuss worries about my health for instance. That’s two different levels of friendship.

It's not unusual to have no one you could call a friend.

Joining a group doesn't usually lead to friendship, as people meet for the session, then go home to their families.

Most friendships stem from school or work in the past, where there is something in common.

It also depends on your definition of a friend. It can range from someone to have coffee with, someone to have a meal with, or someone with whom you can discuss your, and their, life in detail.

It’s a really good thread. I have often heard that loneliness is a plague of modern
society and yet I suppose in real life people tend not to want to “ complain” about it in person. I suppose more movement away from towns and cities of birth, growing cities, smaller nuclear families, higher divorce rates etc all contribute.

This thread has been eye-opening to me and I hope a comfort of sorts to people who are feeling this way that, in one sense st least, they are “ not alone.”
It’s also a reminder to those of us who do have people round them to properly cherish that. I’d actually been having a moan about a friend shortly before seeing this thread! Now it doesn’t seem such a big deal. It’s great to see online forums being able to be used in this positive supportive way ( and I can see how for those with social anxiety it might be an easier place to interact). I just hope too much of the bullying from posters ( not this thread too much!) doesn’t become even more off-putting in terms of social anxiety. I do think there are threads where people come to vent/ bully because they feel out of control in their real life and who know they couldn’t get away with that level of nastiness in face to face interactions.

It really bothers me that i dont have a "group" but im a natural introvert and dont have much energy for friends. I'd say I have 3 friends - one I see once or twice a month and the other 2 I see maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Will speak maybe every few weeks but can go quit a while without checking in. Also hang out with my partner's friends maybe once a month and have people I'm friendly with at work but don't meet outside of work.

I just moved to a new city and found the easiest ways were📧

1)Joining an outdoor swim group
2)Joining a running club through swim group
3)Joining a co-working space

But you have to turn up regularly otherwise it doesn't work