taking a child to visit dad in prison

As an aside, don't they do video calls so that prisoners can see their children without the poor kids having to go into prison? Surely that would be a much better solution.

I work in a prison and have mixed feelings about children coming in, as I always feel sad for all of them since it must be a scary/strange experience. However, we know that maintaining those relationships is good for so many reasons including reducing reoffending and keeping the bond between parent and child.

Our prison has made the visiting area nice for kids - books, toys, a play area, colourful murals on the wall etc.

How long will he not see his child for? To be honest I think it is probably in the best interests of the child to see his Dad, however scary- to know Daddy still loves him and wants to see him. You don't know what might go on in his little mind otherwise.

Also have you heard of Storybook Dads- a service where dads (and mums) in prison can record stories for their children to listen to?

No. I wouldn't approve of a child visiting a prison.

It has nothing to do with you.
The child's mother has said the GC can go but she won't bring him.
Does the child want to go?
Perhaps your husband sees this as a way of having a relationship with his GC? He may be misguided but perhaps he could set some boundaries before making any visit if that's what he chooses to do.

Poor kid caught up in this shite because his father is a rapist.
What woman would want to foster the relationship between son and rapist? Especially whilst they are banged up, presumably in a CAT A for violent offenders.
Is this really about your husband seeing his grandson or are there ulterior motives? Making the connection again so it's easier to ask for favours for example?
It very much sounds like he is still in control of his gf/ex gf from inside his prison cell, highly manipulative.
I fear for this child. He may well end up with a very skewed view of parenting, relationships and love.
Having said all that @gameofthornes none of that is yours, or your husbands, to fix.
I would not be driving or offering support.
(Personally I don't think I could support anyone who was supporting a rapist)

you havent said how long the DSS is in for ?

if hes in a few months then nope,

years - absolutely not let the useless father rot away out of his life

I would be the same as you OP, I would not facilitate this - at all.

No.

I hope your DSS is in prison for a long time tbh and given that I would be doing my best to facilitate a relationship between your DH and his GC via the mum.

Is mum OK with the prison visit? Because if she isn't then it's a non starter anyway.

Also she won't be receiving any maintenance - it might be a nice gesture to send her a few quid in the absence of your useless DSS.

I agree with PP that DSS is dangling the carrot of visits with GC in front of your DH so he will do what he wants.

I would be thinking long term about what's best for GC and tbh a relationship with a dad as vile as DSS is unlikely to be that. I noted that his contact before this was sporadic and depended on his relationship status (I.e. playing the doting dad when he has a GF).

I used to work in a prison visiting centre, its really not bad. If he wants to go you should let him. Also it will benefit the person who is inside.
But obviously that's without knowing all the circumstances.

For those saying that prisons are well set up for childrens visits, it varies hugely. A modern, low security prison can feel like walking into a college campus; a crumbling Victorian prison with high security? No chance.

Whether or not the child should go depends on whether there's a good relationship that is worth maintaining. If dad hasn't been around for the kid before prison then prison isn't a good setting to try and rebuild. Either way it shouldn't be your husband facilitating, it should be someone who the child knows and feels safe with.

Can't his brother (the other DSS take him). It's up to your DH. I'd want to know my GC, so would put conditions in place that contact happens first and will be continued. This is a lot for a child to deal with, both parents are failing this child. You don't have to get involved. Your DH has an opportunity to meet his grandchild, I wouldn't pass that up tbh.

I put YABU until I read about the sexual offences and changed to YANBU.
Despite you not being allowed to have access to the grandchild, I think you have to respect the mother’s wishes and not facilitate this. Your DH (and you, if you’re fussed about seeing the child) would be sacrificing the child’s wellbeing to serve his own desire to build a relationship. You would be better trying to build a relationship via the mother. Hopefully the father is in prison long enough that this can happen.

FFS. There sounds like there are far too
many adults arguing and not considering the real issue here.

What does the 8 year old want?

The rest of you adults can fight among yourselves as much as you like but there is a child’s mental heath and welfare at stake here.

Perhaps the mum has a really good reason she doesn’t want her child seeing his father. You need to speak to her and let her know you want to work with her, not against her.

If the child has no relationship with his grandfather I don’t think his grandfather should be taking him to see his dad in prison. It may be emotionally difficult for the child, he may see or hear things that make him feel anxious or confused, he may find it hard seeing his dad knowing he is in prison. He needs to be supported by somebody who knows him well and can help him manage and process his feelings, he shouldn’t be going with someone he doesn’t really know I don’t think that is in his best interests.

Why is the other DSS ?his brother?) Not facilitating this?

Personally I would say no to this for the GC sake. Eight year olds do know what is going on.

There is no planet in which I would take a young child to prison to visit his rapist father. He's better off without him.

So DSS has refused to let his DF see his GC because of you.

But now what's said DF to take said GC to visit him in prison after being convicted of sexual offences.

He's got more front than Brighton seafront hasn't he?!

Personally though if GC mum will allow him to visit (I'm guessing she will let GC see his grandad when DSS says he can?) then you can just make it clear you aren't getting involved in any of this sorry state of affairs.

Well if you're not allowed to see the GC, you can't possibly drive them there can you?

Tell DH to say no to his vile son.Prison is no place for a child.

Prison is no place for a child.

NO!

@gameofthornes what make the stepson think that his ex is just going to hand over her son to a stranger who has never met the child? I would not be taking a child anywhere near to a prison, whatever the relative is inside for!

DSS is extremely manipulative and sounds like a sociopath.

Your H needs to give his head a wobble.

DSS wants to use him to punish or control the child's mother even from prison and establish who is the boss in his family.

Cross posting, this was what I was trying to say! Completely agree

Why can't the other DSS, the child's uncle take him in?

I think it's an awful lot to expect an 8 year old to go with one/two people he doesn't know (has never met?) to visit his dad (who he may not have seen in quite a while) in prison (where he's never been before and doesn't know what to expect). I think if your husband does decide to facilitate the visit, then he should meet the grandson for a couple of shorter visits first because the kid is going to need to feel supported if he does visit his dad.