taking a child to visit dad in prison

OP. I was in no way implying that your DSS behaviour is down town your DH. Sorry if it came across that way. What I meant was - You said that your DH was a poor parent in the past and feels guilty because of this. So is he seeing this an an opportunity to build bridges with his son / rather than looking at the bigger picture (drama).. Hope that makes sense!

Sounds like you won the lottery eloping with this family… they sound like a total catch. I also don’t understand why you need to get
involved in this, it’s a problem between your DSS and your partner, let them sort it out. Personally I wouldn’t be driving a child to a prison to visit someone who completely despises me AND is in jail for sexual offences against women. Let your partner take the bus if he’s so eager.

@gameofthornes

He desperately wants a relationship with his GC as do i, but i feel we are being used and that as soon as SS walks free, then GC will be once again ripped away from us.

And this is what I'd make clear to your DH. That he is risking his heart (as it were) only in order to have it ripped apart once again.

I also wouldn't facilitate it simply because of the disrespect your not-DSS has shown you and DH, and also chances are the GC won't get much out of the visit and it may be frightening to him. If DH still wants to take him, they can find their own way there and back.

I would make it clear to DH, however, that I would never condone going behind CG's mother back and that if DH intends to take him, you will be making sure that she knows and that you had nothing to do with it. Actions have consequences.

If the family wants to vilify you, let them. Doesn't sound as if they're much of a loss anyway

It seems like you are stuck in the middle here OP. But i would certainly stand my ground, and keep out of it. From what you have written it appears that your DH wants to support his son because he was a shit dad to him . Well let him crack on ! . I suspect DSS has previous, or it was a serious sexual offence to receive a custodial. It all sounds like too much drama tbh.

I don't think a stranger can give you right answer here. It depends on so many factors and if it happens it should all be done in the best interests of the child.

Could you both sit down with the child's mother and discuss it and discuss how the child feels about it?

Well I was going to suggest prisoner video, depending on your prison

Meets everyone halfway

Don't do it.

My mum took me to see my dad in prison when I was 8 and I hated it.

Getting through security alone isn't something a child should be subjected to and from that experience I've always said theoretically it is not something I would ever put my child through

This is why I hate the ‘D’ part of the acronym of most of these people. The large majority of the time they are rarely darling or dear

i always use the full title

Op....is he on remand or sentenced?

How long is he in for if sentenced? Which prison?

I wouldn’t. My dad wasn’t in prison but was in what was then called a “mental hospital”. I was taken to see him several times when I was 8 and 9. I’m 60 now and still have nightmares about it.

Agreed. Stay out of it.

And to be honest this isn't your GC, he is just a stranger as you haven't even seen him in 8 years. You feel like you have to consider him as such because of your DH, but really and honestly he isn't any relation to you at all.

Some prisons do family days. I worked at one in a prison entirely for male sex offenders. It was in a colourful room with lots of prisoners and their kids and they basically just had a normal kids party with entertainment etc. Does the prison offer anything like that? It felt pretty chilled and the kids were having a good time. They did get patted down at the end though and let out through many locked doors etc so that could be stressful for some children.

I do agree you shouldn't have to facilitate this but wonder if something like that would be more suitable for this child.

Honestly this sounds very cold but I would think of it from this perspective. That child isn't your GC, that family isn't your family. They clearly do not like you so the word 'family' here doesn't apply. So if you are not family to them why are you letting a stranger's situation occupy your headspace. That GC will grow up never even considering you as a Grandparent so why invest anything into that situation?
I get that you want to support your dh but you can also choose to not get involved. If he wants to facilitate it then he does so off his own accord. Don't get dragged into something that you will get NO thanks for ever.

If the dc had a relationship with his df before he went to prison, it's generally in the best interests of the child to maintain some contact. But it isn't clear whether his dm will allow it? Or that the dc wants to go?

You can get support to prepare him for what will happen on a visit.

The visit would be for the child's benefit, not for your dss'.

No I would stay out of it. This is not your circus. Dh can take a taxi there if he wants. Just don't even entertain it.

I would keep out of it. He's in prison for sex offences. He doesn't deserve to see his son.

@golf7 yeah well I guess that's part of the problem!
In my job I often have to visit parents who are in prison, and less commonly I've taken children on prison visits. They really vary in terms of facilities and the experience at the gate/moving round the facility. Womens prisons usually have better set ups and more support for families.

It can also depend on who is on shift I think, one I used to go to regularly could mean anything from a quick glance at my ID to a full pat down & sniffer dog.

And he’s your D SS??? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I wouldn’t knowingly take any child near someone who is guilty of sexual offences towards women.

Depends what his dad is like. Mine added nothing positive to my life!