taking a child to visit dad in prison

gameofthornes · 2024-08-23T17:27:25+00:00

simple one, DSS has been sent to prison, up until now we have not been allowed to see GC (now 8 years old). DSS's ex is refusing to take his son to see him in prison. So DSS has asked his dad to take the child in for a prison visit. I have said HELL NO! we've not been allowed to be in this childs life ever and i don't think prison is a place to take an 8 year old. AIBU for refusing to facilitate this visit

RandomGenerator · 20/05/2025 23:25

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Makeitpossible · 23/03/2025 09:19

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HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 18:48

Well on the other hand I have witnessed many many children in prison visiting family members. It's a very positive experience.

Family days, occasions....all get celebrated in a child centric way. It's not a cold harsh environment.

Kids come skipping out clutching sweets/balloons/drawings with smiles on faces. Not sure what people think goes on

Newyorkcity123 · 25/08/2024 18:19

I have spent a lot of time in prison (for work) and observed family visits. I have always been of the view that prison is not suitable for children and that they should not attend prison visits. I note “DSS” has had a sporadic relationship with the GC prior to incarceration. In these circumstances I would not facilitate visits. I actually don’t think the fact it is sexual offences is an important factor (assuming victim was an adult) as to whether visits should be facilitated as there is really no offending that resulted in imprisonment that would be a positive for the child.

HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 18:12

@Runmybathforme where does the mother say she doesn't want the kid to visit?

Runmybathforme · 25/08/2024 18:11

His Mother doesn’t want him to visit, why would you go against her wishes ? The guy is a sex offender, absolutely no !!

HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 18:10

@redrudolph

Have you not even read the thread? OP has NO control over the kid visiting

SunflowersMidwinter · 25/08/2024 18:09

JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 18:32

Does DSS ex agree to let him go? Just won't take him herself? They make it fun for kids so the kids don't really realise where they are visiting (I know this because a family members partner was sent down and she took the kids weekly to see him, the kids to this day don't know that it was prison that they visited in).

I think this is up to DSS Dad, and DSS ex. Not you unfortunately.

That's fascinating!

noctilucentcloud · 25/08/2024 18:04

gameofthornes · 25/08/2024 13:05

I agree that this needs to be completely led by the child.. if the child wants to see his father, then thats what is important. but then questions need to be answered, do you tell the child why his dad is locked up?

There is no way the child should be forced to see his dad purely because thats what his dad wants, because thats just selfish.

And yes as many have said, its nothing to do with me. I will not be facilitating this or getting involved in any way shape or form. My relationship with this family is bad enough with having this hanging over my head and probably eventually used against me in the future.

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I agree that as it's not a safety issue then the child's thoughts are important. But it's how to ask the child so they don't feel as if they have to give a certain answer (eg so not to upset mum or dad) and so that they don't feel guilt about whatever they chose. And that they know they are able to change their mind at any point and no-one will be cross. But that's a worry / responsibility for his mum and other people who know the child well.

redrudolph · 25/08/2024 16:36

HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 16:33

Plenty of kids have bad memories.....DV, abuse,neglect

Visiting a much loved parent in a visiting hall is no comparison

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Except visiting in prison is something OP can control

HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 16:33

redrudolph · 25/08/2024 14:24

The memories of dc father being in prison will last forever.
Don’t do it.

Plenty of kids have bad memories.....DV, abuse,neglect

Visiting a much loved parent in a visiting hall is no comparison

HelloMiss · 25/08/2024 16:32

DonnaBanana · 25/08/2024 14:14

I’m honestly not sure we should allow prison visits at all. It’s meant to be a punishment at the end of the day and it’s a big way for contraband to make it into the jail.

Prisoners have a right to keep family ties

It makes the job easier for all of they have this

And it's about rehabilitation not punishment

Overtheatlantic · 25/08/2024 14:31

There’s a wonderful charity called Children Heard and Seen that supports families with a parent in prison and they might have some information available.

redrudolph · 25/08/2024 14:24

The memories of dc father being in prison will last forever.
Don’t do it.

DonnaBanana · 25/08/2024 14:14

I’m honestly not sure we should allow prison visits at all. It’s meant to be a punishment at the end of the day and it’s a big way for contraband to make it into the jail.

Startingagainandagain · 25/08/2024 13:45

'@gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 18:43
he's in prison for sexual offences against women.'

Say no more...

His ex is doing the right thing by not wanting the child to have any contact with a father like that.

redalex261 · 25/08/2024 13:44

From what you have said your SS has been a controlling partner to his EX and an irregular father to his child, seeing them only when it suited. He’s been unreasonable about you for no reason. He’s been convicted of a sex offence serious enough to get jail time, and by the sounds of it (family members going on about wrongful conviction etc.) is still denying the offence.

Sounds as if the wish to see the child is not about the child’s welfare but about SS ability to continue to dictate terms even from prison, to his EX, his child and his dad.

Tell your husband it’s up to him, but you are not facilitating this. Whatever your feelings and opinions are make them clear rationally but let him do what he wants without casting it up or letting it come between you and your partner,

myfitbitisfucked · 25/08/2024 13:17

sentenced for sexual offences against women you say?
surely that’s the reason you say hell no regardless of the status of your relationship with this child and either of his parents.

Original poster

gameofthornes · 25/08/2024 13:05

HelloMiss · 24/08/2024 21:11

If the child wants this then it needs facilitating

I agree that this needs to be completely led by the child.. if the child wants to see his father, then thats what is important. but then questions need to be answered, do you tell the child why his dad is locked up?

There is no way the child should be forced to see his dad purely because thats what his dad wants, because thats just selfish.

And yes as many have said, its nothing to do with me. I will not be facilitating this or getting involved in any way shape or form. My relationship with this family is bad enough with having this hanging over my head and probably eventually used against me in the future.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2024 21:38

HelloMiss · 24/08/2024 21:11

If the child wants this then it needs facilitating

Then let OP's DH do the facilitating. And take the blame.

OP doesn't need to get involved at all, she should just stand back and let her DH and his family carry on. Especially since her DH's imprisoned son (and apparently the rest of his family) treat her with disrespect and hostility.

HelloMiss · 24/08/2024 21:11

If the child wants this then it needs facilitating

Beezknees · 24/08/2024 00:34

From this thread it seems like I and the other children who have also gone through this agree that it's not a nice experience for the child.

I really don't care if it's good for the rehabilitation of the prisoners either, you don't get to put your own failings on your child.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2024 23:24

gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 22:55

oh i am fairly certain he is not trying to build bridges.. he is under no illusion what kind of person his son is. i do understand what you were trying to say and i thnk my DH is acting out of duty and fear. its going to be a long few years i suspect

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I fear you are right.

I agree that as parents we feel blame/guilt if our children 'go wrong', no matter how good or 'otherwise' our parenting was. But there comes a time in all our lives where we must 'step back' and let our children take responsibility for themselves. DSS is way past that time. DH needs to be able to let go.

Has your DH ever considered counseling to come to terms with whatever it is he thinks he did/didn't do as a father? Maybe it would help him lay to rest his fears and misplaced sense of duty.

Original poster

gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 22:55

mommatoone · 23/08/2024 22:45

OP. I was in no way implying that your DSS behaviour is down town your DH. Sorry if it came across that way. What I meant was - You said that your DH was a poor parent in the past and feels guilty because of this. So is he seeing this an an opportunity to build bridges with his son / rather than looking at the bigger picture (drama).. Hope that makes sense!

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oh i am fairly certain he is not trying to build bridges.. he is under no illusion what kind of person his son is. i do understand what you were trying to say and i thnk my DH is acting out of duty and fear. its going to be a long few years i suspect

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Original poster

gameofthornes · 23/08/2024 22:49

samanthablues · 23/08/2024 22:38

Sounds like you won the lottery eloping with this family… they sound like a total catch. I also don’t understand why you need to get
involved in this, it’s a problem between your DSS and your partner, let them sort it out. Personally I wouldn’t be driving a child to a prison to visit someone who completely despises me AND is in jail for sexual offences against women. Let your partner take the bus if he’s so eager.

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I have said several times.. I am not taking this child anywhere, nor am i taking my DH anywhere either. I will not be facilitating anything and I am not 'getting involved'.

My DH would never do anything behind my back, so of course he spoke to me about this issue and my thoughts on it.

I just wanted affirmation that my decision was the right one, and sometimes MN gives food for thought.

OP posts: