I specifically said not to shave his head and that's what he comes home like..

This!

Why should OP do every damn thing because it's easier?? She should be able to trust her adult h to take their dc for a hair cut, no?

It's not the hair cut, it's the fact he stood there like a lemon and let the barber do it without saying anything. The trouble is that leads you to saying OK, I'll do it myself and before you know it there's a whole long list of things you don't feel you can trust your DH to do. It's the water dripping on stone thing, each little thing adds to the pile and erodes the happiness you felt in the early days.

My first thought too.

Anxious people pleasing - especially with strangers and acquaintances - is a classic masking tactic and often accounts for adults being undiagnosed.

May or not be applicable or change how you feel about the situation, OP, but worth considering.

People saying that his hair will grow back are completely missing the point.

Wow, the comments telling you that hair grows are annoying! As if you didn’t know that.

It sounds like this incident is a symptom of a bigger problem. I guess all you can do is try to sit your h down and explain how big a problem it is. Unfortunately IME men often don’t listen until it’s crisis point.

Me too, was the pun intended? 😂

So what would you do? Divorce?

Do you think kids who’ve lost their hair want to be used to emotionally blackmail others?

It’s not about the hair. It’s what the hair represents.

He'd rather have a row with me than speak up about anything, to anyone. He's the sort or person who stands somewhere for 5+ long minutes waiting for somebody to move, even when hes running late or he's holding the rest of us up, because he feels 'too awkward' to say excuse me.

Everyone else gets the best of him - Mr. Nice guy, good mood, friendly face. You get the disappointment, you shoulder all the hard work, you make the tough decisions.

I don’t know the ‘term’ for a person like this - maybe spineless? - but it’s my biggest pet peeve in a person. And it’s horrible to be the one person in the world that gets mistreated by them, and nobody else ever seems to notice.

This is why I learned to do it myself.

When I’ve taken out sons, I have to hover to make sure barbers don’t get scissor-happy with their curly hair. DH took our autistic DS1 last time years ago and they cut it way shorter than we talked about. I couldn’t go because of work and DH said he could take him. I asked DH why it was so short and he hadn’t noticed and thought it was fine until DS1 had a bath and got up the next morning. 🙄

I watched countless YouTube videos on techniques and whatnot and only cut both sons’ hair maybe 2-3 times a year.

This is so fucking stupid and condescending.

That's even worse really, if he's fine in contexts where he's comfortable - sounds like 'laddish' contexts - but can't behave like an adult in contexts that require it. He sounds quite immature to be honest OP.

u have piqued my curiousity, what is his hair style??? a rat tail??? a mullet?? even worse????

Yes it's annoying. But it will grow back. Take him yourself next time.

I understand why you are annoyed OP. It sounds like it's in the context of lots of other things and the reason at the root of it is him feeling too awkward or shy to say anything. I would find that really unappealing and difficult to handle in a partner.

When you’re separated your ex can just cut their hair however they want and you don’t get a say. It’s not always as simple as “leaving will solve the problem”
I totally get where you’re coming from, I’ve been distraught at the shit haircuts inflicted on my son over the years, and extremely frustrated with my later partner who was also severely conflict avoidant.
has somebody else said, by the time he realised the cut was too short it was probably too late, and he probably just felt frozen at that point knowing how you would react.
It becomes a vicious cycle, you get more annoyed, they get more anxious. You become more “strict parent”, they become more “ helpless child”
in acting frustrated. you are probably contributing to the problem.
It’s a difficult dynamic to unpick as it becomes so ingrained, but it does come from both partners, if you could find a very skilful couples counsellor, they might be able to work with it, but most of them are shit in my opinion
It’s true that the contempt you feel probably means it’s already game over unless you can really address this. I’m sorry, it’s not easy

@Comedycook From the OP “Today he was taken by his dad. I said to get a short back and sides and to leave some length on the top because DS likes to do 'Bart Simpson' hair and spike it all up.”

So I’m guessing if he likes to spike it all up, he didn’t want it all shaved off.

I feel like your marriage is probably done if you can talk this way (and clearly feel this way) about your husband. You don’t like him.

If your son is autistic then there's at least a 50% chance it came from your DH genes, so wouldn't him also being (undiagnosed) autistic and all that being his way of masking/getting through life?