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AIBU?

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Original poster

20 year old taking drugs

66 replies

Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 15:19

Hi, please don't shoot me for putting on AIBU but I have a time sensitive issue. This is a long one but I thought a back story would help. 3 weeks ago after my son had been here with friends having a drink in the room my ex built on the side of the house, I've been quite happy to let them go in there,pool table, dart board and a couch, my son is 20 years old and I don't mind them being in there as they have never ever been any bother. My son was always quite a lonely lad who spent most of his time in his room on his computer or with me and his dad. A nice kid though, his dad left 2 years ago and he had a shit time and he was really angry which I took the brunt of. He then got chatting to a few lads he had been in middle school with now and over the last year he has really started enjoying his life, going out and basically doing what he should be doing. So 3 weeks ago I found a white little packet on the floor, drugs and I was in complete shock, I never thought in a million years he would do that. My sister had a year in rehab for being addicted to cocaine and her daughter moved in with us, he saw the pain first hand it caused. So I asked him when he woke up what was he thinking, he informed me it was ket and not cocaine. I was in tears telling him how he is my whole world and if anything happened to him I would just die, he was in floods of tears and promised me it was the second time he had done it but he would never, ever do it again he was genuinely upset. So he went out last night and had his friends back and he fell asleep on the couch, his jacket was soaked through so I emptied his pockets and found another bag of this white powder. I'm devastated and really don't know what to do, he's still in bed but is getting up at 5pm to meet friends again. Could anyone help me with what I should say to him, I don't know how to handle this and I don't him not to feel he's not able to talk to me if I handle this the wrong way. We have always been close and his dad leaving really up ended his life, we have been there for each other throughout this and I feel I must have done something wrong, let him down for him to be doing this. I'm scared he will end up like my sister. I'm sorry this has been so long but I wanted to get the whole picture across. If you have got this far then thank you, I just need to know what to say to him when he wakes up.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 24/08/2024 07:19

Mollylegs · 24/08/2024 06:24

Oh god thank you @Universalsnail that is kind of you to stress that point. My hope is that the going out drinking and just letting his hair down is all quite new and shiny and will wear off soon. A friend I spoke to yesterday whos son is 24 went through this but now has a job with immigration and they get drug tested. My son was hoping he may get a job at the same place so maybe that will help too.

Yes, point that out. He is risking a load of things that he don’t even have considered. This needs to stop right now. The friends may need to be ditched if he can’t avoid going along with their drug taking.

Maray1967 · 24/08/2024 07:17

PonyPatter44 · 23/08/2024 15:37

I would lose my shit at him. For one thing, he has absolutely no idea what is in that bag. He may think it's ket, he may well have been told its ket, but the truth of the matter is, it is almost certainly cut with other substances, none of which are particularly pleasant. Some of the cutting agents are themselves extremely potent drugs, and noone can predict the effects of these substances when mixed at random.

You asked him to stop, he said he would, then he brought drugs into your house again. He lies and he does drugs. If he was my kid, he'd be looking for somewhere else to live.

Same here. My two both know this is a red line in our house. Time to get tough. No tears or anything - just straight forward, firm talking. State the risks he is taking to himself - but make it clear he will be evicted if it ever happens again.

IfIHadAHeart · 24/08/2024 06:33

Why doesn’t he work?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 24/08/2024 06:32

Hi @Createausername1970 my first thought was to say that no one was coming back again but I think that is maybe a bit extreme. They were originally going to the beach and that now terrifies me with what I now know about it. I would rather have them here, I think god forbid him and his friends would come to me if there was a problem. It's bloody hard work 'trying' to parent, especially on my own.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 24/08/2024 06:24

Oh god thank you @Universalsnail that is kind of you to stress that point. My hope is that the going out drinking and just letting his hair down is all quite new and shiny and will wear off soon. A friend I spoke to yesterday whos son is 24 went through this but now has a job with immigration and they get drug tested. My son was hoping he may get a job at the same place so maybe that will help too.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 24/08/2024 06:17

Thanks @Tangerinenets after reading that I was self doubting myself. He's my world and it has scared the crap out of me, thanks for your comment.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 24/08/2024 06:14

Hi @PoopedAndScooped that would be nice but he has said he has done it but your right as in both times the bags still have stuff in, maybe he is trying to fit in, not something he's really done before.

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Createausername1970 · 23/08/2024 21:49

I went through similar with my DS when he was around 16.

My view is that your best course of action is to be very matter-of-fact about it. I made it clear that I did not agree with it, and why, and that if I found anything in the house it would be flushed down the loo immediately. Which I did do.

But being pragmatic, they do experiment and whilst it might not be something you approve of, it's not that uncommon. What you absolutely do not want to happen is for him to be scared to tell you if he thought there was a problem.

The tricky bit is whether to ban them from your house. Whilst you don't want it happening under your roof, at least you can keep an eye on them. If you say they can't hang out at yours, they may end up doing it somewhere more risky.

💐 Don't despair, lots of us have been there with our kids, and there will be many more to come.

Universalsnail · 23/08/2024 21:36

Everybody that I know that has damage from "Ketamine bladder syndrome" (which is unfortunately quite a few people) are daily high quantity users who have long term addictions. It is a potentially serious consequence of Ketamine addiction and pretty inevitable in high amount long term daily use but I just want to stress that if he is taking it on the odd occasion with friends as it currently seems he isn't likely to be causing much harm to his bladder ATM. The fact you found some in his pocket says to me he's not addicted. No way would I have been leaving my k in my pocket like that when I was addicted.

Just wanted to reassure you that from what you have said here, whilst there is an addiction and long term harm risk factor, it doesn't seem like your son is currently causing all the scary things you are reading about in this thread and it can stay that way if he understands the risks and is sensible about the choices he makes even if he decides to experiment in the way he is. Just wanted to say this incase the things said in this thread are spiraling you with worry.

Tangerinenets · 23/08/2024 21:26

Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 15:42

Hi, sorry not meant to be being OTT, just scared for him. I only shoved his coat int he drier as it was lying on the floor soaking and I knew he wouldn't be out of bed for hours. Thanks for replying @MiddleagedBeachbum

You’re absolutely not being OTT. My mum took the laid back approach with my brother. It was not the best course of action.

Tangerinenets · 23/08/2024 21:25

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/08/2024 15:31

I think you’re projecting a huge amount onto your ds and if you carry on being so OTT he’s only going to shut down and be secretive.

Its very normal for young adults to experiment and whilst you really don’t want them doing it, there’s not a great deal you can do to stop it.

Im also surprised you were going through his coat or even dealing with it. To me that’s smothering him and invading his privacy. It’s also not your job to do stuff like that at his age!

Id probably say to him I found it, ask him not to lie to me, let him now I don’t agree with it, but understand why he’s experimenting and keep the channels of communication open that you’re there for him no matter what.

Id also be working hard to have time together bonding, doing things he enjoys, especially anything health and fitness related as that doesn’t mix with drug taking and makes people love themselves so ideally don’t want to trash their body.

What tripe.OTT?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 21:22

Hi @Banana34 omg!! thats bloody nuts,I am deffo goingto speak to him about it tomorrow, thank you.

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Banana34 · 23/08/2024 21:16

Have a chat with him about the long term effects of taking Ket. It destroys the bladder. Late teens and early 20’s are having to have a new bladder made from their bowel due to the damage they have caused by using Ketamine.

1mg is enough to knock out a horse. People using regularly take 12mg a day.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-68826392.amp

Universalsnail · 23/08/2024 21:14

Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 20:40

Hello @Universalsnail if you don't mind I might message you tomorrow, thank you for your frank and informative information.

That's fine yeah I don't mind 🙂

Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 21:06

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for all your messages. I'm absolutely shattered so i'm going to try and get some sleep, I hope I didn't miss anyone who was kind enough to take time to respond to my post. I'm just a worried mam so thanks again.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 21:02

Hi @highdaysandholudays I will be looking up frank tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous to talk to my sister about it just in case it sets her off again. I'm not going to go mad at him as I need him to know i'm always here for him to come to. Now i'm going to try and sleep as my stomach is churning and my head is banging, if only the dog would stop farting, its so bad even the cat has climbed off the bed in disgust!! thanks for understanding.

OP posts:
PoopedAndScooped · 23/08/2024 20:58

Is he buying it to be ‘cool’ and ‘in’ with the crowd?

Youve found two bags with the drugs still in at the end of the night, Maybe he isnt actually taking them? Or much of them?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 20:55

Hi @cupcaske123 he's not working atthe moment but gives me money out of his UC every month.

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highdaysandholudays · 23/08/2024 20:52

Thanks @Mollylegs I've spoken to talk to frank and got some advice from a local service who my son is engaging with. They've been really supportive. There are no easy answers here. My brother is a recovered addict and has done every drug you can think of. So I can understand your fears. My brother has been really supportive as his recovery has been stable for years and he's turned his life around. My ex did lose his shit at him. It's understandable but not helpful.

cupcaske123 · 23/08/2024 20:50

Is he working? Does he pay towards his keep?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 20:47

Hello @highdaysandholudays yes, I haven't lost the plot with him(yet!!) it is really terrifying and all I can do is try talking to him calmly and listen to exactly what he's saying. I hope you get some more help too.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 20:44

Hi @SuncreamAndIceCream oh god that would make sense as slumping on the sofa is what they do, I'm now rather nervous incase he is taking any other drugs, I guess I will have to ask him and see if he is open with me. Thank you.

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highdaysandholudays · 23/08/2024 20:43

Thanks for your post @Universalsnail It's really helpful.

highdaysandholudays · 23/08/2024 20:41

I have a son who's 16 who has used ket once that he's admitted to but I suspect more. I'm following this with interest. It's pretty terrifying. Losing your shit with them doesn't help. Just try and keep communication open and talk to him about why he does it.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 23/08/2024 20:40

Hello @Universalsnail if you don't mind I might message you tomorrow, thank you for your frank and informative information.

OP posts: