People are talking about my 10 year old DD

I have worked with children of a similiar age and surprisingly some of the girls were really quite aggressive in their crushes and flirting.

It is a very awkward time and some of the boys of that age haven't caught up yet and still think girls are annoying or gross (and then for the rest of their lives things usually switch which is ironic).

It's important to teach her boundaries around this and from what you are saying, it is very likely not that she "just has crushes"... it's probably more that her behaviour towards those boys is making them uncomfortable and they are likely acting out in response.

It's quite an uncomfortable thing to talk about, but us teachers used to privately discuss this phase and the extra supervision needed of these particular girls.

From my memory it usually only lasts about 6 months to a year.

It is perfectly normal to have crushes at 10, even 9, 8, 7, 6. There’s no “sexualisation” in it; it’s a normal human emotion. It’s more important not to ignore children’s crushes, or they’ll end up with all of these feelings that they don’t understand and no one to talk to about it. So where will they learn about these feelings? TV, music, and social media. What’s worse - having a crush and understanding it through conversations with parents, or having a crush and understanding it through an Ariana Grande song or memes?

How else would you know if they like you back?😬

Are you 100% sure the other mum is to be trusted?

Have other people turned down your DD's party? If yes, could you ask another mum you know why.

Just seems a bit weird the way the other mum phrased things and mentioning 'all the drama' seems a bit shit-stirrey for me.

Aren't crushes things you keep to yourself?

I can't imagine it appropriate in 99% of circumstances to tell someone you have a crush on them.

It depends on the cohort really. I've seen everything from no one gives a shit, to huge dramas with gossip, teasing, "stealing" bf/gf, breakups , fallouts and so on.

Funnily enough, "don't you even think about having a crush" never worked.

Having crushes etc has always been part of school even at a young age, however I would talk to your daughter about what it means and how usually you don’t publicly announce it and also how you don’t change crush every week (if you do then it wasn’t a crush).

Yes, even the mum wasn't courteous in how she turned down the party invitation and she's an adult.

Have a chat with the other mum again and see if there's more to this. Not necessarily that she did something wrong, but you might have to tackle more than just "has a crush on a boy and tells everyone ".

Does she talk to you about boys/crushes/friendships? If yes, then you already have an in. Just advise her that these feelings are private and fleeting, she can tell you all about it, but try and keep them to herself at school. No one needs to know , but she can talk to you about it.

Also , how did this come about? Does she tell loads of kids , or just the boy/a trusted friend and they share it around? Again, this needs a different talk about what good friendships are and trust.

God, my 10yo DD has crushes ALL THE TIME. Generally a different boy every couple of weeks! I had no idea this caused drama 😂
I mean, I'd rather she didn't, but it's all innocent at 10. Unless your DD is making the boys feel uncomfortable with "chasing" and stalking, then I really don't think this is much to worry about

The woman was rude in the way she approached this. If she felt something needed to be said, she could have raised it in a much more tactful way. I bet she wouldn't like it if someone said their child didn't want to go to her son's birthday because he's annoying or something.

I think your DD’s behaviour is embarrassing her male friends. That’s ok, it happens, but it’s understandable they would want to back off from her friendship for a while .

I think a chat about how it might make her feel if someone she wasn’t interested in announced he had a crush on her and was all gooey about it ( for lack of a better term) in front of her classmates - wouldn’t she be a bit uncomfortable? So she should think about that when she’s with her schoolmates. She needs to remember not everyone will feel the way she does or see it as a nice thing.

Respecting people’s boundaries and treating them with courtesy is tricky when you’re a kid.

At ten girls are going through puberty so they do start having crushes it's very normal.

My daughter is almost 11 and if there's no more to it this is very normal behaviour from what I've seen. All the little girls have a different crush every week, seems to be the same with the boys and there's all sorts of drama round it, nothing serious. I think there's more to it if this is becoming a thing a lot of parents are commenting on, maybe your daughter is being picked on.

The chat about "crushes" seems to start ridiculously early. My (otherwise sensible) 7 year old DS, who watches mainly bluey on tv, regularly cheerfully informs me he has a "massive crush" on this or that girl. Usually just one of his friends. Sometimes one becomes a "girlfriend" for a while. I just laugh at it and treat as play like any other, they are role playing being older. I think often it transitions from silly playing to being less discussed, then comes back in at 13 or so in a more "real" way.

I actually think it sounds like your DD could actually be doing it in a bit of an immature way and that's probably why the other kids are getting a bit mortified by it (because at this age they do get embarrassed by people being "babyish") and its probably why they are giving her a wide birth.

Can you (strongly) encourage other interests? What does she like to spend her time doing, it sounds like she needs some more age appropriate topics of conversation about hobbies or interests or things done on weekends etc.

Well, that’s bollocks. My DD is pretty stoical and not melodramatic at all but had a very painful crush at the age of 9. Against my advice she told her friend and it went all round the class and she was mortified.

I think there is a lot more to this story op I have a daughter around the same age (and also have two other older daughters)and this sounds completely alien to me . I think you need to speak to a parent who will be brutally honest with you so you can find out whats really going on

I empathise. Perhaps have a nice day out together and broach it. Talk about it like: it's OK to have crushes but these things are personal and part of growing up is learning when to be honest and when not to be. You can always tell me anything because I'm your mum, but some people at school don't like knowing you have a crush on them because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Now that we know, we need to adjust our behaviour so...tell me some ways you behave when you have a crush...that's OK, that's OK, that one might make X feel bad because Y, so let's not do that one. And let's not tell the girls either because this is a private thing for a while.

Hi OP, I dont think there is anything wrong or "dramatic" going on here. I think your DD is perfectly innocent, and other children in the class are just being children - ie little shits, occasionally. 10-11 year olds are still learning all the mechanics of the society, and sometimes their interactions are very clumsy. There are power struggles, popularity contests, silly posturing and desire to be seen as "cool" or whatever.

I think in your case boys dont want to be seen as your DDs "boyfriend" and dont like her having a "crash" on them as its obviously a reason to be teased by others. Edited: I should add I dont think its anything to do with your DD, more an idea of being someone's "crash" - I dont think 10 year old boys are into this kind of thing.

You could speak to the teacher to see how many friends your DD has, and how well she is fitting with her classmates; but I suspect there is nothing sinister going on and she is perfectly fine.

All I would do is maybe have a word with your DD and gently advice her not to tell her classmates she has a "crash" on someone. But only do it if you 100% sure it would not upset or worry her. She will learn it herself, sooner or later ))

At that age often the girls are maturing faster than the boys. I remember in DD’s class there was a boy that several of the girls had a crush on and he found it all horribly embarrassing and uncomfortable. He didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but he just wasn’t interested.

When my DS was around 11 I went to a parent function and all these mothers of girls were saying ‘oh you’re X’s mum, my daughter talks about him all the time!’ And I had to break the news that he was nowhere near being interested in girls. In fact he’s only just showing interest now at 16!

Instead of telling her people will get the wrong idea (what is the wrong idea?) tell her that she’s making the boys uncomfortable. It’s never kind to push yourself onto someone who isn’t interested

My daughter and her friends (going I to year 4, nearly 9) are constantly talking about who fancies who, who is dating who etc. It's all very light hearted and there is no drama in it. No one is bothered, either children or parents. So unless she is harassing/stalking this boy, I think there must be more to this.
Sometimes girls will use something like this as a form of bullying to exclude a child, saying things about them so others avoid them. Do you think that could be the case here?

I think it sounds like she’s being bullied.

In my experience year 6 is hell tbh. Dd2’s class were vile, not that this helps you in any way.

Do you know where this obsession with crushes and romantic feelings has come from? It might be an idea to look at the kind of media she is consuming.

I would definitely have a word with her about boundaries and making people uncomfortable. A crush in itself is nothing unusual or to be ashamed of but the way she is handling it has clearly become an issue for her classmates.

My DDs had a friend (male) who would tell all the girls that he had crushes on them and it did make them uncomfortable and they ended up trying to back away from the friendship. I spoke to his mother who had a word with him about different types of love eg: crushes and friendship love and how crushes were natural and he was just figuring out his feelings but that maybe he didn't need to tell everyone as it can make people uncomfortable and not everyone is interested in crushes and romance. It was good his mum spoke to him as it quickly was forgiven and forgotten by their friendship group and probably was a conversation about boundaries that we all needed to reassure the kids about.

It's only a drama if you are 9 or 10. If you think you will be teased by going to a party then I guess you don't go. But I do not think that means you should assume your DD is doing something wrong. Best ignored I think.

I think maybe some of the boys are finding it embarrassing, I know one of my ds did at that age. He even had a couple of notes from girls, he was always kind about saying sorry no I don't want a girlfriend but he found it all a bit embarrassing

It's perfectly normal though for children to start developing crushes at that age and I wouldn't want to make dd embarrassed by saying too much about it but I think you should probably have a little chat to her to see if you can get to the bottom of it all

So the mum said her DS didn’t want to come to the party as the other boys will say he’s her boyfriend

I think that it's quite common for there to be 'Urgghh, she fancies you, you're her boyfriend' teasing of boys when they're friends with girls at that age (and vice versa for girls). It's annoying and it's bullshit - I speak as a girl who played with boys a lot when I was a child and got teased a lot about it, as did the boys who played with me. And that was without me ever mentioning 'crushes' (I didn't have any!).