To not want a funeral?

When my dad died, my mum and I chose to have a very small funeral which was held at the funeral home. We're not a religious family in the slightest and didn't want any fuss. My dad would've wanted it that way. To be honest it didn't help with grieving at all and we found the whole thing stressful. My mum won't be having any kind of service, she just wants to be cremated and her ashes interred with my dad. I'm more than happy with this arrangement. I personally don't understand the point of funerals or memorial services.

Of course not, but the reverse is also true. Just because one person wants a traditional funeral doesn't mean that isn't going to be tortuous for some other grieving people.

Not everyone is going to be happy unless you're quite lucky. My family goes for generally small funerals without much fuss and some of this current oldest generation are opting for direct cremation with a much later memorial. It's the culture we've grown up in so seems fine to us, but it's not impossible that some friends have been devastated to not be included or felt that we were insulting the deceased because the arrangements were so modest.

They can do what they want. I'll be dead, so I'll be the only one who won't give a shit :D

If what would make them happy would be to do what I'd prefer, I'd tell them to save their money, have me cremated and walk away.

But if what would make it easier for them would be to have a little service, a big service or have me stuffed and mounted over the fire, they should feel free to crack on.

My late grandad always used to say, "fling me over Markham pit yard in a catapult".

We were a little over 50% convinced he was joking, so we had him cremated instead.

So you want a viking funeral lol.

Agreed. I would have hated it and been really upset if my dad had arranged a direct cremation. I needed the ritual of the funeral as part of my grieving.

DH and I have agreed that we won't have funerals.

The funeral is normally organized by one or two 'next of kin' out of many grieving people.

My dad was COMPLETELY unaware of anyone else's feelings when my mam died. I don't even think he meant to be so completely blind to everyone else its was just his way or coping by burying his head in the sand. It doesn't mean her kids and siblings and other family grieving didn't matter though.

Him wanting to get rid of any reminders as fast as possible to not have to acknowledge it shouldn't mean he can override those that did grieve different. Luckily me and my sibling had more awareness and involved other family who equally lost their loved one.

Just because one person doesn't want a funeral doesn't mean thats in the best interest of all the 'living'.

We are having direct cremations. My adult children know and are fine with it. More money for them!!
I hate funerals especially religious ones.

Let your relatives have it

I think the assumption that everyone's grieving relatives want to hold a funeral is really odd. Plenty of of people do, sure. But lots of people only hold funerals for loved ones because they feel obliged to do so.

Neither of my parents wants a funeral, and I'm absolutely fine with that. The ritual means nothing to me or my siblings. There are other ways to 'say goodbye' to the dead. It doesn't have to entail an actual funeral service.

I appreciate that it's important to lots of people, but it isn't important to all people, and we should be normalising that and making it a lot more accepted that people should just do whatever's right for them.

Direct cremations are probably what you are after. Then your family can arrange a memorial that suits how they want to do it. So can be formal church service or a more celebratory event at a venue alongside the wake.

I think I needed the funeral for closure. It made it real

I don't understand why people think a funeral will bring closure. When my Dp died many years ago the funeral was the worst experience of my life and gave me no comfort or closure, your loved one is never coming back and a funeral doesn't make that easier to accept.

I'm going for a direct cremation myself, I don't think it's fair to put my children through the organising and I don't want to upset them. I'd rather that they had the extra money that will be saved as well.

There is a song by The Band Perry called "If I die young" - which is a beautiful ballad that I think sums up my thoughts on what my funeral should be like

I don't think it's a morbid subject. I've had conversations with my mum and now know exactly what she wants. I think it's silly to be so 'British' about it and not discuss it.

I don't want a funeral. I don't want to give people who I never see or speak to the opportunity to perform their "grief". I don't do funerals anyway so certainly don't want my own.

I have no opinion on it. I won't be there. If 200 people want to turn up and have someone organise a horse-drawn hearse then good for them. If 1 person wants to turn up and just go to the pub then fair enough or anything in-between.

I don't see what it's got to do with me, it'd entirely for how those left behind want to do it.

I don't think it's anyone's business outside the close family really. We're all very different.

and rightly so! :-)
As Dame Cecily Saunders (founder of the UK hospice movement) said
"You matter because you are you, and you matter to the end of your life"
I work as a nurse in a hospice and it is so important that we have these conversations about death and dying, funeral plans and wishes
Thank you OP for starting this thread 👏

Whenever people talk about this topic there are so many contradictions that the only truth is you can't please everyone so you might as well please whoever is most important to you (and if that's you then have at it).

So:

It's for the living, but if the living plan a small funeral or decide not to have a funeral that's selfish.

It's so helpful to let your loved ones know what you want, but if that's not what they want, eg you don't want a funeral, then that's selfish.

We need to have grieving rituals to help us deal with death, but if your grieving ritual is different from the norm and you need just a couple of closest people around you, or want to mourn alone, or want to celebrate in a non-traditional way, then that's selfish.

Rituals change, and if somewhere down the line the norm becomes direct cremation and then all go down the pub to listen to the deceased's Spotify playlist, it'll still be a ritual to remember and share grief and thanks for life.

The ritual of a formal ceremony is, for many grieving people, hugely important.

If you really want to make life easier for those closest to you then keep all of your paperwork in good order. Ensure your finances are findable, write a will and save your mourning family a huge headache and a possible big legal bill.

Your funeral isn't really about you. You wont even really be there, its hosted by other people for other people it just simply in your name.

A friend of mine donated their body to science So no funeral and a gathering in a pub. First bit was an informal gathering in a side room where people spoke about their memories and second bit was in the main pub drinks and chatting. Tbh there wasn’t enough ritual for me and it didn’t help the grieving process.

I really think that it's important actually to have a funeral. I think it brings closure. And it makes you realise it's real