DH & money

Well it’s a joint account so you would be able to see that money was being spent on something other than bills or the food shop etc.

the pocket money that is sent to the separate accounts would be to spend on what you wish without having to justify or explain it to the other person.

How does that work if one person is terrible with money though? My ex husband would spend every penny of what we both put into a joint account if we had done that ( and no I didn't know he was like that before we married)

Why do you pay in the same amount as him, as you work part time which saves money on child care

DO NOT PUT YOUR INHERITANCE INTO THE HOUSE!!!

agreed. Money is only on part of the contribution, people can earn more because partners help them/stay at home. All for one and one for all, otherwise its a resentment.

Keep your inheritance ringfenced.

If you use it to support the family in anyway he has a claim on it meanwhile he doesn't share his wealth with you

Well he is also a fool to leave that money in a current account.

It’s time for a discussion, people can be as outraged as they like he may not agree. So I would get the figures as best you can and lay out your case. Because that will be what you will probably have to do. He sounds both mean and financially incompetent.

You are a family

There is no 'subsidising'

Yes, my friends and I are all very open about finances and financial set ups as are my family members and in-laws.

Of course with some I don't know specifics like exact wages, but I know how they organise their finances within their relationship.

Coming on Mumsnet has been really shocking for me and I wouldn't be with a man that would happily spend a lot of money on himself without things being even.

I also would take no pleasure in having more than my husband.

I've seen women here talking about being on maternity leave or being carers for their disabled children, scrimping by and going without, whilst their husband buys new cars and shoes and holidays.
It is beyond belief.

Both partners should have equal fun money and equal opportunity to have savings (if separate).
Bills should just come out of the family pot or they should be paid by a percentage that allows the two above things.

Anything else (to me) feels quite cruel.

Remind him he said he would cover having DC and it was on that basis you went ahead

So he needs to cover all their costs plus make up your loss of pension contributions whilst caring for the DC, that you are making a financial contribution caring for them whilst he works, you make a financial contribution by getting discounted rent.

Tell him you need to earn more money so you're going to go back to full time, but that means childcare will increase by £xx.

I don't mean that you actually do this, just so he realises that you are taking on a lot of cost to yourself personally.

You are currently subsidising his lifestyle hugely by saving him childcare money and doing this unpaid labour which in turn prevents you from working.

Yes, it’s financial abuse. You should be paying in relation to what you earn, or put both wages in one account and both take equally from there. But I guess he won’t agree to that as then you’d see what he’s spending.

That's mad you split things 50/50 with a significant wage disparity. We split 50/50 but only because our take home is fairly similar. We have already discussed and agreed that this will change when I'm on maternity leave this year. Surely just put everything in one pot then you can always take out a specific amount each for personal spending. And surely you also want to prioritise saving as much as you can, whilst you are in a position of paying low rent, so you can buy your own place?

You are being financially abused.

Time for a serious chat.

Why are you paying 50/50 you can't possibly on a part time wage! If he wants to go down that route he needs to pay u childcare costs then so u at least have a full time salary.

Why don't u have a joint account that you can take from freely as and when needed. That's not a fair balance at all. He gets to buy what he wants, you get no say in it and are skint. Absolutely no way would I put up with that. Get him told!

But is that something you discuss with people, and know about? Or is it simply that it’s not talked about as a general rule.

In my experience, the person working outside the home does not get it. I calculated how much a daily housekeeper and nanny would cost if I was at work full time, then showed how much we’d have to earn to afford that - do not forget that these expenses come out of your salary after you’ve paid tax so add it up and then stick the tax rate on it. Then see if he feels that you aren’t contributing as much as him.

But you are earning less so that you can care for the children that are both responsibilities.
That's not fair.
One big pot here. Then you can allocate a spends amount.

When he chose to get married and have children, he chose to enter into a legally-binding partnership.

What did he think this would look like?

Did he think that "his money" would remain "his" rather than realising it would be family income?

How did he think having children would affect him and his income?

Did he believe that his wife would become a lesser partner who does not deserve to have the same access to money as him?

Does he believe in total transparency with regard to finances? Or does he hold the view that the money he earns is none of your business?

If he were to take on child-rearing responsibilities in a truly 50/50 manner, what would that do to his earning potential? (And I mean properly 50/50 with everything that entails like taking time off when kids are sick, doctor appointments, running the house, laundry shopping cooking cleaning, school runs, night waking, etc etc.)

He can get as cross as he likes - it doesn't change the facts. And getting angry is a male defence mechanism because they don't want to hear what the woman is saying. You need to have this out properly. It's not the fucking 1950s. Is he prepared to be your equal partner or not?

I do not agree people have to have a joint account, we haven’t and it works for us. But what is happening with your finances is very obviously unfair. If it’s just bills to pay and then fun money for you both and all the children’s needs covered then a joint account does make it easier.

You're married and have sc which you stay at home to provide childcare for, of course you should have the same disposable money. It should be split proportional to earnings. He's also benefitting from your families home.

You need to sit down and outline what he'd have to pay if he had to contribute towards additional childcare and increase rent.