To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

Exactly this! It's easy to manage in London (and if you both have licences you can hire the car the odd time you might need one, or you could be a member of a car club).

If you live in rural Devon, with one bus a week, it's not quite so easy to manage without a car.

I know, I do find it strange but they all seem to make it work.

Motornormativity is the technical term. Drivers just can't comprehend that other people can manage to live a fulfilling life without setting foot in a car, and assume that they are either hermits who never leave home, or that non-drivers are CFs who will always be needing lifts.

Yes! People gasp at how little I earn on here but in everyday life it's standard

Same with driving, I can get wherever I want to go without a car

I think it is particularly relevant if you have or plan to have DC.

my mum had 4 kids with an asshole who had learned to drive but never got his license. This meant she was responsible for bringing us to all medical appointments, school runs, activities, play dates, parties etc etc. then when she finally left him she was responsible for driving 30-35 minutes each way to drop and collect us at his parents house so we could spend time with him (not that he did, we were there on Saturday nights and he is an alcoholic so he was always out).

when she met my stepdad he also didn’t have a driving license. She did not want to be a taxi service her whole life and so she laid the ground rules that he couldn’t move in until he got his driving license. He was serious about being a part of and contributing to the family, so he did.

unless you live somewhere with excellent public transport (like London), driving is an essential life skill. Not having learned because you are used to other people driving you places all the time is unattractive in my opinion.

edited to add: I am in Ireland where public transport is pretty shit and unreliable, even in Dublin. It would be extremely difficult to run a family life here without a car.

Just to address some of the issues... I'm the driving partner in a one car relationship. I'm not addicted to my car, I get public transport wherever possible as do my kids, and they cycle to school. We rarely drive on holidays apart from maybe one day out of 14 for an out of town trip. However we could not function as a family without my driving. Picking up heavy items... seeing elderly relatives.. all that but mostly kids sport. Two of them could be anywhere in a 15 mile radius every weekend, either inaccessible by bus or turning a half hour journey into 3 hours plus. Just not doable. So I'm not some sort of petrol head. . Just sharing my experience. And it is very VERY tiring doing all thr driving or doing the mental load of arranging lifts if I can't, because I'm on all the sports whatsapp groups because I'm the driving parent. Etc etc

I don't drive, never had it said as a negative or limited my dating choices
Only seen it on here

My husband can’t drive, he does most of the nursery runs, shares the kids clubs, gets himself to and from work, to and from nights out, events etc.

I’m yet to meet a non-driver who can’t get about perfectly fine, I have however met a lot of drivers who are completely inept at using public transport or getting anywhere without a car.

It only seems to be a red flag on MN, but then the existence of people earning under £100k is also a red flag on here.

You can only ' find ' buses if they and their routes exist in the first place. You can only use taxis if they will come to you. You can only use community transport if they have sufficient volunteers to service the need. You were lucky that these things were there when you needed them. Many of us do not have access to any of this because it simply isn't there

I was off the road for about 10 months during Covid with a medical issue (the DVLA were pants). I found buses, the village minibus, subsidised taxis and used the train. All of these were no problem. Surprisingly, the problem was visiting a mate a mile away down a dark country lane in October. I can't cycle (different medical issue).

This. It's fine if you live in a town with great public transport but that doesnt apply to everyone does it- surely you can see that?

If my husband didnt drive it would mean the burden for weekly shopping, transporting kids around, taking dog to vet, commuting, going out for meals, social events, holidays, airports runs, visiting family etc would all be on me. I dont think thats fair and it's not an equal division of labour.

Its different if someone cant drive for medical reasons, obviously, but if its just that they dont want to make the effort to do it and then just expect me to take up all the slack/work- nope, big red flag.

A car was a blessing. We were young and broke and taxis were an unbelievable luxury,

For many young people, access to a car is an unbelievable luxury though, the insurance alone can be thousands each year for the first few years. When I was driving in the 90s, your parents could just add you into their insurance for a small fee and you could drive your mum’s car in the evening if you needed to go out, now, insurance companies seem to hate this as an option.

Sorry @Sharptonguedwoman quoted you incorrectly.

I don't know anyone who can't drive. I don't know anyone who doesnt drive by choice. I do know some who have medical reasons not to drive.I live in a small village near Worcester. We have one bus a day in and one bus out in one direction. If you wanted to go to Hereford or Malvern or even our nearest market town 6 miles away you couldn't.The bus just doesn't go that way. No buses whatsoever at weekends. Taxis from Worcester won't come out here because they won't get a fare back so we have to book a local man with a weeks notice given. The nearest supermarket is 6 miles away. The same for the doctors, dentist, hairdresser etc etc.I love going to London. It will never not be amazing to me that you can get transport from A to B to C in a matter of moments, get off ,do something, then choose from multiple Ubers or stick your arm out for a taxi, get on the tube and go somewhere else just because you want / need to. I could never have dated anyone who couldn't drive because life here would be impossible for them. Once the car person has left the house the other one is totally stuck. We have 2 cars because without it we couldn't live our lives. London is totally different. We don't have access to gas, mains sewage. Our electricity is on wires so when it's windy we get endless power cuts. We have a huge freezer because when it rains / snows heavily we'll be cut off for days. Your life is alien to me day to day. I dare say mine would freak you out too Op.

This. It really pisses me off that so many comments are made relating to London and people think the 'north' is Birmingham. MSM is the same. MOST people in the UK live in geographical areas outside of London. We need to drive as public transport like the underground is not available. So it stands to reason that if a partner does not drive it's rather unappealing.

This is true. There's a lot of looking down noses at people who can't drive and implying, or just downright saying, they therefore don't have basic life skills or are somehow deficient. But then watch some drivers struggle to figure out a simple bus or train timetable! Surely that's a "basic life skill" too?

I have a cousin in Minnesota and she can’t drive. It really limits what she can do
The US is a country where it is almost vital to learn how to drive unless you live in cities such as New York and Boston

I am going to be really honest . I wouldn’t want to be with a man who could not drive and wasn’t willing to learn. Obviously medical issues are different
As others have said, it creates an imbalanced relationship when you have one person doing the school runs, clubs, big shops etc and this leads to resentment.
Dh’s niece husband could not drive .
She insisted that before they had kids he would have to learn because she was not willing to be the permanent designated driver .

How lovely for their parents!

It honestly isn't only in city centres. I have never even lived in a city, never mind the centre. I don't ask anyone for lifts. Who would I ask? My friends aren't taxis and have lives. I've only just moved near to my parents after 20 years and that's because they are getting on now, and I 'm certainly not asking the only one of them that can still drive for lifts.
I'm embarrassed that I never mastered driving, but I am not helpless without a car. Many people I know who find themselves unable to drive for any reason (car off the road, etc) seem to become so, and many of them do think you can only survive without them in city centres because they have never had to. When they have to, it's interesting to watch them struggle to grasp the basics life skill of getting about without a car.

A school dad I know, can drive, his wife can't. He refuses to buy a car until she learns as he doesn't want to be the only driver. They rely on their parents a lot for lifts and use taxis a lot.

I live in a large village with poor public transport. I’ve raised 3 children and taxi’d them around here there and everywhere. It’s not what I want in a partner. If a bloke in his mid 50’s doesn’t drive, in our local area, I’d assume he’s too skint to afford a car or he’s lost his licence. Both of which are deal breakers for me.

But it doesn't apply to you in your circumstances, you live in London and you can drive, you have a license so if you wanted to hire a car/van, you can.

On the whole though, it speaks about your independence level. Not being able to drive unless there is a medical reason, seems immature and somewhat needy if you have to rely on others to cart you around etc.

It annoyed me when I had a partner who couldn't drive as it was always me doing the shopping, taking the kids to school, running errands, doing the driving everywhere, it just peeved me off.

Thanks, you've put into words what I was struggling to.

OP, step out of your bubble for a minute. I grew up in south London and drove the minute I could. I'm in my 60s and the roads were quieter then. I'd be slightly more dubious now. A party in a difficult place with few buses? A late night event? A dodgy area? A car was a blessing. We were young and broke and taxis were an unbelievable luxury, parents not always willing to pick up and Uber unheard of.
I now live where it's possible to get around without a car but extremely challenging so driving is a life skill. My mum's in hospital 20 miles away and our station (5 miles away) shuts at 10 30 pm

But I think your question is more about not being able or choosing to drive. It's incredibly life limiting and makes the non-driver reliant on other people. Most of us have ferried teenagers around but would be surprised by a perfectly cogent person who can't drive and needs taking everywhere- weekends away-lifts to the station- late night events. A little bit of me feels that they should, if they can, get their act together. Rambling now so going to stop.