Page 7 | To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

User7567 · 2024-08-22T21:04:34+00:00

Why is this such a big thing? I see so often here that people wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drive. Neither me nor my husband drive (we both have a licence but no car). I just don’t see the point. I don’t enjoy it, the tube (we’re in London) is much quicker and more convenient, parking is a nightmare and expensive….these very few times we find ourselves in a position where public transport is not convenient, we call an Uber/taxi (approx once per month/once every two months). Works out so much cheaper than paying for congestion charge, parking, insurance, MOT etc. over the year. I’m glad that my partner sees it the same way and that we can invest the money we’d otherwise spend on a car elsewhere…obviously each to their own and so on, no one needs to care what works for us and I don’t care what others do, I’m just confused why the majority would consider us as a red flag for not driving.

BigDahliaFan · 23/08/2024 11:50

I think driving is a useful skill and harder to learn the older you get. It's also a pain if friends/partner don't drive.

, either you, the driver, drive everywhere or with friends activities have to be sorted round the, where I live, inadequate public transport.

ObelixtheGaul · 23/08/2024 11:45

FloatyBoaty · 23/08/2024 11:22

This is absolute nonsense.

a sample of places my son has been this year, with a non driving single parent (and no, nobody gave us a lift)…

3 remote fishing villages/beaches in North Yorkshire (traveled by bus, and stayed each place a few nights)
Moorland walks in national park
Woodland walks in the Yorkshire dales
Stately home with excellent children playground
The zoo
A castle
Clip and climb
The theatre
Steam train trip
London- did the big museums, Ken Gardens, Kew, river boat trip etc
Liverpool maritime museum
Boating on the canal
Riverside picnic and wild swimming at remote beauty spot
Barcelona & towns on Costa Maresme

he also goes to swimming lessons, tennis lessons, beavers and has an active social life with school friends- and no, their parents aren’t expected to ferry him around. We walk or catch the bus to meet them. Occasionally I’ll accept a lift for him if they insist, but always offer petrol and will bring a small thank you gift .

I could go on… but does it SOUND like he’s “missing out” to you because he has no driving parent?

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TBF some kids with driving parents don't do as much as that. My old schoolfriend who lives in a rural area, is married with kids and both drive rarely leaves the county she lives in.

focacciamuffin · 23/08/2024 11:30

You used to need a red flag if you did drive. Luckily not since 1896.

To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

Ljcrow · 23/08/2024 11:26

CeeJay81 · 23/08/2024 09:50

My hubby stopped driving years ago partly down to finance but he never like it either. He has a new health condition now which makes him more nervous to start again but he alsk doesnt care about having a car and doesn't want too. At 43 I'm taking lessons again(suspected adhd), tried in the past and found it too much. I am doing OK atm(doing automatic) and have a good instructor but it worries me the amount of things/rules there is to remember. Even if I pass I wont be driving long distance.

So we manage on public transport in a rural part of the UK. My work is 10 mins walk and the kids schools are in walking distance too. Hourly bus to local town and trains every 1 to 2 hours to get you further. Occasionally I need a lift for dd to a school event, which I find embarassing, but thats it. We are used to it. I feel like such a loser when I read the way mumsnet thinks.

I can relate to this so much and totally empathise. You're not a loser. 💛

FloatyBoaty · 23/08/2024 11:22

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/08/2024 10:20

I used to live in a (non-London) large city and public transport was not good, so driving still needed for having any semblance of convenience or flexibility.

I always see non-drivers on mumsnet insist they are completely self sufficient and don’t impose on anyone, I have literally never known this to be the case, every single non-driver I have met expects help from others in some way, they just often don’t see it as “you’d be going anyway” “I’ll get a taxi to yours so you don’t have to collect me on your way”.

I remember one friend being aghast that I asked for petrol money when I drove her to the lakes as “you’d be going anyway”, er yes but it would be nice to have shared the driving on the two hour journey let alone the cost.

There were loads of places I needed to drive when I lived in a city - goApe, local nature reserve, safari park, supermarket etc. I think in almost all circumstances kids miss out without a driving parent.

This is absolute nonsense.

a sample of places my son has been this year, with a non driving single parent (and no, nobody gave us a lift)…

3 remote fishing villages/beaches in North Yorkshire (traveled by bus, and stayed each place a few nights)
Moorland walks in national park
Woodland walks in the Yorkshire dales
Stately home with excellent children playground
The zoo
A castle
Clip and climb
The theatre
Steam train trip
London- did the big museums, Ken Gardens, Kew, river boat trip etc
Liverpool maritime museum
Boating on the canal
Riverside picnic and wild swimming at remote beauty spot
Barcelona & towns on Costa Maresme

he also goes to swimming lessons, tennis lessons, beavers and has an active social life with school friends- and no, their parents aren’t expected to ferry him around. We walk or catch the bus to meet them. Occasionally I’ll accept a lift for him if they insist, but always offer petrol and will bring a small thank you gift .

I could go on… but does it SOUND like he’s “missing out” to you because he has no driving parent?

rayofsunshine86 · 23/08/2024 11:17

DH doesn't drive and it's a royal pain in the arse.

Edited to add: Oh, and we live in the countryside. We have to drive to go anywhere. You can imagine how frustrating it is to be told "I need to learn how to drive" for six years.

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/08/2024 11:07

I’m a single woman living with two children. I hate the fact I’m the only driver and everything feels like it stops with me ☹️.
I do have a boyfriend who loves driving and tbh it’s been a bit of a revelation to be driven around, That said I’m happy to drive to him too.
My daughter is having driving lessons and I can’t wait to stop driving her everywhere.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 23/08/2024 11:01

I couldn't care less if people drive or not if those non-drivers do not expect me to compensate for them as a result.

But the reason it's a red flag (not necessarily relationship ending, but something to look out for) is that outside of major cities like London, the overlap between men who are happy to let their (female) partners take on the bulk of the effort in a relationship and men who don't drive is pretty high. It is a potential - but not guaranteed - sign of a man who is going to literally take a backseat.

ginasevern · 23/08/2024 11:00

My late DH (bless him) didn't drive. He never sat a test and the whole idea made him anxious. I never pushed it but there were times when it would have been fantastic if he could've shared the burden. Getting the car to the garage for it's MOT and then collecting it for example was always my responsibility, no matter how busy or unwell I was, or driving long distances to see relatives (West Wales in our case). Just nipping to the shop for some forgotten item could take him an hour round trip as opposed to 10 minutes in the car.

There were times, just occasionally, when it would've been so, so beneficial if he could drive. It didn't cause resentment (well, not much and not that I ever showed it) but I can see how it would create an unbalance in a partnership. Especially where children are involved or if you live somewhere with crap public transport and one partner is totally dependent on the other. For clarity, I live in Bristol which is a fairly major city but unless you're retired the public transport here would give you a nervous breakdown if you relied on it all the time.

ObelixtheGaul · 23/08/2024 10:56

takealettermsjones · 23/08/2024 10:43

All right, now transpose that attitude onto a small town with no trains, no taxis, one bus that serves every stop and therefore takes 90 mins to do a 10 min drive, hills for days, three school age kids, one science project, one bake sale and a tuba, and then tell me you're going to do the school run on the bus. 🙄

As previous posters have said, it's not "not driving" that's the red flag, it's "not driving when you live in a place/have a lifestyle where you really need to fecking drive and yet you expect everyone else to either put up with you taking three times as long to get anywhere and/or drive you for free"

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I do get that, which is why I don't live anywhere like that. I grew up in a remote village in Devon. If I hadn't moved when I was sixteen, if I'd wanted to keep living there, I would have had to drive, no two ways about it.

It does restrict where you can live independently, for sure. A right bummer for those who can't drive due to disability.

Cosyblankets · 23/08/2024 10:54

Not having a car etc is massively different if you don't live in London.
Before I was self employed my workplace was less than a 15 minute drive. By public transport it would have been a ten min walk then a 40 min bus then another ten min walk. Or a ten min walk and two trains and a 30 min walk.

zingally · 23/08/2024 10:48

Living in the capital, with the best public transport system in the country is not even close to comparable with people who live elsewhere.
I wouldn't be able to do the job I do if I didn't drive. My widowed mum, who lives rurally, wouldn't be able to continue living there if she didn't drive, and her social life would be almost nonexistent.

That being said, I don't particularly like driving. And if it's something I can easily walk to, then I will.

Ozanj · 23/08/2024 10:45

Lol where I live it would cost the same as a zone 1-6 card for a single bus ride for 3 miles. Cars are essential here

takealettermsjones · 23/08/2024 10:43

Simonjt · 23/08/2024 09:51

I know, I used to live in a small market town, I didn’t drive, so I walked or cycled, if I wanted to go elsewhere I either got taxi there or I would get a taxi to a bus stop or train station. It wasn’t difficult, it was also cheaper than owning and running a car.

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All right, now transpose that attitude onto a small town with no trains, no taxis, one bus that serves every stop and therefore takes 90 mins to do a 10 min drive, hills for days, three school age kids, one science project, one bake sale and a tuba, and then tell me you're going to do the school run on the bus. 🙄

As previous posters have said, it's not "not driving" that's the red flag, it's "not driving when you live in a place/have a lifestyle where you really need to fecking drive and yet you expect everyone else to either put up with you taking three times as long to get anywhere and/or drive you for free"

Didimum · 23/08/2024 10:39

It completely depends where you live and, maybe, what stage of life you're at. Young and in a city – who cares. A little older, with kids, living rurally or in an awkward spot, I get why the driving half of the relationship would begin to feel resentful. Some people cannot drive for very valid reasons, so it shouldn't be a red flag in the 'you're a useless arsehole' sort of way.

I'd lived in London all my life, with children, and never had a car or a license – my husband does drive and we do now have a car. We recently moved semi-rurally and the toll it's taking on my DH I can see isn't fair. I plan to get my license, but it's bloody expensive and with small kids and working FT I don't have the time either. The public transport here is good enough and the shops are all walkable, plus we get free school transport, so it's fine for now with no urgency, but all the above is a lucky spot to be in.

ObelixtheGaul · 23/08/2024 10:38

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2024 10:35

Many remote parts of Scotland and Wales are accessible by train and bus. I've stayed in the West Highlands a few times. No cars or taxis involved; just trains, buses and ferries.

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Scotland is on my list so that's good to know. Agree about Wales, having been a few times.

RedToothBrush · 23/08/2024 10:38

Simonjt · 23/08/2024 10:36

I had to book my taxis, there wasn’t a taxi rank, call on demand etc, it was fine

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I'm alright jack.

Simonjt · 23/08/2024 10:36

sunsetsandboardwalks · 23/08/2024 09:53

@Simonjt but there are lots of small towns where none of that is an option - there's no public transport, no taxi (unless you book well in advance) and no way of getting about without access to a car.

I had to book my taxis, there wasn’t a taxi rank, call on demand etc, it was fine

rosemarycait96 · 23/08/2024 10:36

Now I'd say yes, it is a red flag, but I'm in my late 20s with a toddler and a baby on the way, living rurally with a husband who, until this year, did all of the driving for the entirety of our 10 year relationship. I finally passed my test in January after battling with severe driving anxiety for years, and my life changed overnight. I can drive little boy to nursery and classes, I can nip to the shops when I want. I can't imagine what it was like for my husband who had to drive me absolutely everywhere in the 4 years since we left Bristol.

It was never an issue for us when we lived in the city as public transport was fine - not perfect but fine - and neither of us really needed to drive anywhere.

It was definitely an issue once we moved out to the suburbs, and then eventually to the proper countryside.

If I lived in the city I wouldn't consider it a red flag as there are plenty of people in major cities who either can't or choose not to drive. If I lived anywhere else, I would see it as a red flag because being the person driving 100% of the time I'd imagine is quite draining!

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2024 10:35

ObelixtheGaul · 22/08/2024 23:47

I've done it lots, but you are kind of limited to where trains and buses go. We used to do city breaks. I would love to do a forest in the middle of nowhere holiday, but without a car, you just can't.

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Many remote parts of Scotland and Wales are accessible by train and bus. I've stayed in the West Highlands a few times. No cars or taxis involved; just trains, buses and ferries.

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2024 10:34

IAmJohnMajor · 23/08/2024 08:53

The red flag isn't for choosing a lifestyle without driving (for all the sensible reasons you give in your situation).
Red flag is for someone who has never qualified to drive despite all the inconveniences that then causes in life.
It's the failure to actively 'achieve basic adult-level life skills' element that is the issue.

There are some situations where not even getting your licence isn't because you are have no gumption...
but often it goes hand in glove with being happy to expect others to facilitate you and using it as an excuse to bow out of anything requiring some reciprocal effort.
Hence it being something that should put you on your guard for it being a clue to the kind of person you're dealing with.

My husband doesn't drive, and is currently on SPL.

It's summer, all the local clubs are off, and although everything is only a bus ride away, that's quite a bit trickier to manage than a short drive.

I had a "red line" of him passing his driving test before we TTC, but obviously it slipped!

He is, at least, hugely apologetic and just a week in is already appreciating the massive difference I have made to our lives by being able to get us around conveniently.

Konstantine8364 · 23/08/2024 10:32

Honestly it depends on your lifestyle and where you live. I'm very busy, I have a full time job, have horses and love hiking/outdoor swimming, my life would be absolutely impossible without a car. My lifestyle would also be impossible in London so I wouldn't live there! I want to date outdoorsy men with sporty hobbies, the vast majority of which you need to drive for. I also like a drink, so I wouldn't consider dating someone who doesn't drive. Having to drive long trips with no-one to swap with/not able to take it in turns to drink at parties etc would be rubbish.

It's also a personality thing, I'm outgoing and independent and got my license when I was 17 as driving gives you freedom. The few people I know who don't drive tend to be quite passive people, which again isn't 'my type'.

MumblesParty · 23/08/2024 10:31

Esgaroth · 23/08/2024 10:21

Because driving is a chore. I do not enjoy driving and we live somewhere where we don't have to drive most days. I always prefer to cycle or walk. But sometimes it needs doing.

Not a chance I'd choose to be with someone who wasn't going to share the chore of driving, any more than I'd be with someone who wasn't ever going to cook the dinner or do the washing.

That’s a good analogy. Imagine meeting a potential partner who said they’d never do any cleaning because they didn’t like it!

upoutandin87 · 23/08/2024 10:31

I think there is possibly a North/South/London divide too as it seems to be down in the South where I live all 17 yr olds literally start lessons the second they turn 17 then pass their test and get a bought a car. All DD's friends drive and have cars but my nieces and nephews who live in Manchester and London in their 20's have no interest and have very few friends that drive. All have been to uni and all now have good decent jobs but still no interest in driving. My BIL lives in London and grew up in London and doesn't drive - and he thinks its really odd when he hears about all the teens down here who drive the second they hit 17.

MumblesParty · 23/08/2024 10:30

User7567 · 22/08/2024 23:34

We go on UK breaks by train. We choose to go somewhere where we can get to by train…I guess if I really wanted to go somewhere that needs a car I’d rent one for the weekend, but because driving just really doesn’t appeal and there are a lot of great places with a train station, we’ve opted for these so far. But I rented a car for our last holiday abroad because it was a place we really wanted to visit and it was not possible without car.

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So if neither you or your partner could drive, you wouldn’t have been able to visit that place. It’s handy that you can both drive. If only one of you could drive, then the other would have had to do all the driving, which would have been tiring. Either way, you have demonstrated that the ability to drive was definitely a positive thing, which is why it appeals to most people.

At the moment you live in London so you don’t need to own a car, and you have a driving licence so you can always hire a car if you ever need one.

If I lived in a very hot country I wouldn’t need any heating in the house. But I would still argue that having some sort of heating in a house is pretty essential as a concept, because I wouldn’t necessarily always be living in a hot country.

And if I met someone in the UK whose house was completed unheated, it would put me off visiting them!

Different circumstances call for different needs. And circumstances change through life, so ideally it’s best to be prepared for all of them. It’s really not complicated.