To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

50 years ago when I was a child, everyone caught the bus or walked.

Rubbish. Some people did, some people drove.

It's quite clearly an indicator that you might end up being a taxi service for your partner. Call it a red flag if you must.

I wouldn't drive around for someone that didn't. I'm not a taxi service.

OP, you both can drive, if you need to. Right now, because of where you live, you don't need to.

The people who are trouble/red flags are those who won't drive or won't learn when they do need to. And, of course, there are all kinds of people who can't drive or learn for financial or medical reasons, and I don't mean you.

After a good think, I've come to the conclusion the only thing we couldn't absolutely do without a car is support DDs hobbies. There will be no way of getting DD2 to a random village for a 10am rugby kickoff on a Sunday for example... even home games would be tricky

And DD1... it would take a couple of hours on public transport to get to her lesson for her sport.

They wouldn't do these things without us driving.

Cirencester is on a National Express route. Coaches between London and Gloucester run late into the evening.

It's only five miles from Kemble station anyway - and pretty flat. I'd just cycle. Not worth getting a car for such a short journey.

It does create an imbalance, I suppose. I drive and DH can’t (although neither of us could when we first got together) which means I do all the child related ferrying around, driving to holidays, etc. What makes a big difference to me is that DH acknowledges that and makes sure to make me feel appreciated for it. If it went unnoticed I would probably mind a lot more.

I have a license but can no longer drive. My DP also has a licence, but he did his test and never got car after. He would not be confident enough to try now.

People can not, or do not drive for lots of reasons.

There is a huge difference between someone who does not drive and expects you to be a taxi, versus someone who does not drive and is fine walking/cycling/bussing everywhere.

There are some places where there are poor public transport links, but these days there are far fewer than people think.

I mean if you dont drive and choose to move somewhere like that, expecting to rely on others.....not ok. But lets face it, most people dont do that.

I think that having a car and the convenience it brings has become so ingrained in peoples minds that they cant believe that it is possible to live without one unless you are expecting others to drive you everywhere.

50 years ago when I was a child, everyone caught the bus or walked. It was what everyone did, perfectly normal. If there was a car in the family (by no means universal) then the man drove it to work and back and the wife and kids caught buses (yes, I know, but it was a different time).

And people saying that its an essential skill, no it isnt, its nice but it isnt essential its also fucking expensive! Have you seen the price of lessons?! And thats before you start on the costs of buying a running a car. Some people simply are not able to make those numbers work. I know I couldnt afford to learn to drive now, my eldest DD can only afford it as she earns decent money. So they find workarounds. CFers will always be CFers, if they cant drive they will scrounge lifts and not pay for fuel, if they can drive they will charge huge amount for petrol for others.....

That's because you live in the London area. I didn't drive when I lived in Greater London. It's pretty obvious that public transort isn't as good elsewhere.

I have spent today not enjoying travelling on delayed and overcrowded Trans Pennine "Express" trains.

What I don't understand is this notion that you can't be independent without driving and that you can't go anywhere or do anything and must be reliant on other people to ferry you around at their expense. That you're not an adult, that you can't possibly plan your life around it, that you can't possibly make decisions that work for you not driving because....... You can't drive.

I suppose it's because, in many parts of the UK, it's genuinely almost impossible to function without relying on someone else to ferry you around at least some of the time.

People are just posting from their own views and based on their own experience. DH has family nearby who don't drive and they absolutely do depend on their partners or other family members for transport - because we live somewhere with very unreliable trains and no buses.

I don't think non-drivers are "saddos" or people who live half-lives, but I do know my life would be much more restrictive if I didn't have access to my car.

carnewb Brilliant response!

No,I don't get this obsession either. I have a license but I don't drive,don't have a car. I live in greater London where the transport is pretty good. To be honest,the way the roads are around here,I really would not fancy driving. Nose to tail traffic, crawling along at 5 - 10 mph. Parking is prohibitively expensive,fuel costs a fortune, plus insurance and maintenance of the car also really expensive. I have a Freedom Pass so I can get anywhere in London for free,so why would I bother with a car?

I can understand not wanting to date someone because they don't drive, if it's important to you then it's important to you, and a personal choice about who you date. Same as any reason you wouldn't date someone, unemployed, in certain jobs etc.

What I don't understand is this notion that you can't be independent without driving and that you can't go anywhere or do anything and must be reliant on other people to ferry you around at their expense. That you're not an adult, that you can't possibly plan your life around it, that you can't possibly make decisions that work for you not driving because....... You can't drive. That you are a burden, that you're some saddo who lives a half life to be ridiculed. That you miss everything in life.

As my un suggests I'm new to driving and spent a lot of years, and money (when I could) trying to pass the test. I failed more than once.

I didn't suddenly have a personality transplant and become a different person when I got handed the pass certificate. I'm exactly the same person. I have the same job, same circle of friends, and attend the same amount of things - I miss more in life because of work commitments or lack of disposable income than I ever did through not driving. I still miss them because I'm at work, or don't have enough money.

And although not driving brought a set of challenges that I needed to overcome - so does driving. There's something quite ironic about walking further between the bus stop and your place of work because you can't find anywhere to park, having to pay more than the bus fare would cost to park, and set off at pretty much the same time because you know parking is going to be murder and you'll have to walk half a mile anyway. Or driving around your estate 3 times trying to find somewhere to park so you can actually go home, when if you'd got off the bus and walked up the road you'd be in with the kettle on. But nope, it's so much more convenient to drive 🤔.

Has it improved my life? Yes, it has, but it's not all sunshine and roses and I always knew it would, but knowing that didn't make me good enough to pass the test nor have endless amounts of money trying. I gave it one last ditch attempt and passed. That was my last go, and I'd made my peace with continuing on with the way I did live because I'd arranged my life around not driving as much as I did being a single parent or having a low income and a job working shifts.

The only person me driving or not driving affected was me, I never was reliant and I'm not now, my siblings on the other hand have both driven for years, one is still living at home in their 30's with a part time job and reliant on our parents for free rent to enable them to pay for the car, and the other still has our mid 70s parents running around doing their bidding. I've always been more independent despite not driving, neither of them can cope if their cars are off the road, parents drive them around or lend cars, I just got on with it when mine has needed to go in a couple of times.

A driving licence isn't indicative of independence, you can be independent without one or dependant with one, or vice versa.

But not beyond a taxi service. All the hassle of driving to the ferry or abroad etc. All these threads about how to keep kids amused on long journeys when you could all be on a train together. Really not for me

This is us, our DC did all those things and got him to parties for pals who lived in villages out of town etc. It’s all doable

‘Dealbreaker’ I get as an expression but ‘Red flag’ means something else to me

Why say this? I discovered that we could do Scotland/Isle of Skye without a car in 1998 - that’s when I knew I’d give up on the idea of driving

We are the same!

If i didn't drive, i wouldn't be able to do all the things i most enjoy in life. I wouldn't be able to work where i do either. Life would be so dull with a lot less opportunities

And a hell of a lot of Scotland is not.

Where did who say what?

We are in agreement. My point is clearly that it's not the not driving that's a problem, it's not driving if you live in a place where you really need to drive to be able to keep up your expected lifestyle and your not driving causes an issue to others. I'm not suggesting there aren't any people in the world who can go about their lives perfectly well without driving.

What about them? You either walk, take a taxi, and there’s an option to go on excursions.

There are plenty of places where you shouldn’t drive due to the way the roads are and it is better to go with someone who knows the area than trying to drive on your own. Some find that out the hard way and end up needing to be rescued or worse. Plenty also don’t want tourists going to places and leaving litter behind or messing with the environment so have guided tours.

I’ve been on plenty of holidays where DH didn’t drive or rent a car during our holidays.

Wherever did they say that or allude to that?

Not sure why some refuse to believe that there is decent public transport outside of London and many non-drivers can and do get around without a car, are happy, and not being a hindrance and asking favours to those who do drive.

Many of us get to places on time even early without having someone wait on us to get there or need a lift.

I’ve had plenty of instances where I’ve had to wait on people who drive to arrive because they either didn’t take into account traffic, parking, and assuming because it was x amount of miles, it should be quick, left their house without considering they may need extra time and were late by 30 min or even an hour.

It’s not even whether the person drives or not, but the personality of the person more than anything. A person who constantly asks or expects rides probably is like that with other things.

I don’t drive. I rely on DP a bit (maybe once a week/once a fortnight) to drive me. These are places like his parents’ house/hospital which I could get to alone but it’s quicker to drive.

But he relies on me for: earning most of the income, providing the deposit for our house, being on top of 90% of the mental load for us, our families, our toddler.

So I don’t think he does badly out of it. I currently walk to work (central residential suburb to city centre). I am soon moving jobs to one where there is a 20 min bus which goes every 10 mins from opposite our son’s nursery. In three years that office will move to the city centre and I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. There is no parking.

So should I learn to drive at a cost of £40-£50 an hour so I can drive occasionally on weekends and have no regular practice?

BTW the reason I can’t drive is I grew up in poverty so had no help with it. And since then I’ve had no need/not enough money (at different times). DP’s parents paid for his driving lessons, first car, insurance etc. He also works in the countryside so driving is essential day to day for him.

😂 we do do a lot- I get bored easily. And that’s last 12 months, not since the start of the year. But my point stands! I’ve designed the rest of our lives to allow for not having a car (eg choosing to live in a walkable neighbourhood with good transport links… NOT London…) and also- I’m just really determined. Ofc we have privilege in both being able bodied and my son loves walking - will often choose a 10+ mile hike as a “day out” of choice- but I really don’t think it’s fair to make blanket assumptions about non drivers in the way this thread has. Particularly not to claim we’re somehow abusing or letting our children down - which I’ve seen a few times, and is fairly vile.

I do judge people who could learn to drive but don't. What about holidays? Visiting places without good public transport?