To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

A lot of people are nervous when they first start driving. Should nobody gain that confidence then?

I understand if you live in London. I don't - it would definitely be more inconvenient where i live. A lot of colleagues and/or their partners don't drive, this can sometimes cause issues with getting to and from work as it's in the middle of nowhere. My partner and I both work there and share a car, but we both drive so if one of us isn't working, the other can drive. I'm not a confident driver so I'm glad my partner drives, but I wouldn't see it as a red flag if he didn't. Neither of us drove when we started dating (we were teens).

Those people shouldn't drive then.

I absolutely know there are places you need a car to live in. That's why, as a non-driver, I don't live in them. The fact that some people who don't drive do, and cadge lifts, isn't under dispute. What is, for me, as a non-driver who doesn't have lifts, lives in a small town in the north which has good transport, is the notion that everywhere outside London is a rural backwater and every single non-driver is some weak, pathetic individual who.sits on their arse crying about lifts. There's far more of that on this post than a refusal to recognise poor public transport.
Yes, I understand all the arguments about those who just don't want to learn, being the driver in a partnership, etc. But when you've reached 50 years of age, neither you, not your partner drive and yet somehow you have managed to hold down good jobs, get a mortgage, visit relatives on opposite ends of the country, go on holiday, etc, without bleating about lifts, etc, most of this thread is bloody offensive from a lot of people who would behave like they'd had a limb amputated if they couldn't drive.
I'm sorry I am not as clever as all of you, and spent a fortune struggling to do something you all find so 'basic'. I genuinely and honestly wish I could drive. But I am not 'lazy' or 'passive', or any of those brushes all non-drivers are being tarred with. I haven't lived with 'mummy and daddy'' since I was 18, I am certainly not being driven round by them. My h is not a 'manchild', either, despite not being able to drive. He is very much an equal partner and very definitely not stupid. He was the one cycling 20 miles round trip for work, doing it in half the time of the car drivers stuck in traffic who moan about walking five minutes from their car to the office door in the rain, constantly late because 'traffic', etc.
For every story you have got of a lift-cadging Muppet, we've both got ones of the constant excuse of 'stuck in traffic' for being late (I, a bus user, always got the earliest bus to avoid peak times, something apparently beyond the average person with that all-important 'basic skill'), any amount of snow defeating them whilst the bus I was on picked up at the stop ten minute's walk from their house.
Of course, in fairness, I must acknowledge the existence of these awful lift-bumming imbeciles living in places without good transport and not learning to drive, because you all tell me they exist. It's a shame that, in fairness, none of you seem willing to recognise that there are any people at all who don't drive outside of London or a major city who don't need or want to bum lifts and aren't helpless kidults.

I used to drive out of London to some gigs with three friends. We’d hire a car and take it in turns to do the driving. Well three of us did.

The fourth woman couldn’t drive, and wouldn’t learn. We decided not to enable this, and found another gig buddy who would take her turn at the wheel.

Yes. Little and sometimes.. I also stated it does not impact us negatively as a whole, and it's not a deal breaker, red flag or big deal to us. 🤣😂
I also stated part of the reason me not driving was due to anxiety, you are harping on about dangerous drivers and state nervous drivers are dangerous drivers.. you've said it yourself! I stay away from the driving due to this fear from other people and potentially myself and anxiety!! I'd rather my DP find it a little annoying sometimes than cause physical/mental harm to others.

You said in your previous post "DP say's it can be a little annoying sometimes".

Nervous drivers are dangerous drivers.

If suffering with anxiety and not being able to afford another car, additional expenses etc, then.. I'm happy to be that red flag 😉

Fair enough , I'll take your word for it. Not encountered this in real life. Maybe people saying they're nervous drivers but certainly no one admitting they're an aggressive or dangerous driver.

Any driving thread on MN always invites loads of nasty posts, it's almost like it's a red flag.

Not at all. If I need to go somewhere and do something. I do it, I sort it. I'm a big girl and made the choice to not drive myself. There are buses and taxis, I have legs. We also have everything we need in the village so ultimately, it's within walking distance itself. I mean you really are in no place to tell me if I rely on anyone to take me to places given that you don't know me and see our situation.. 🤨

Read through the thread, or any thread about driving on Mumsnet. There are loads of people admitting they are bad, nervous, anxious, panicky drivers. All the time.

I live where I can afford to live, mate. I’ve lived in places with better transport links back when we were renting but we had to decide whether to move somewhere with shit transport links where we could afford to buy or stay renting (with all the insecurity and extra expense this includes) in an area with good links. Actually, in theory the transport links in my area are okish (on paper they look ok) but in execution they are not. Buses never come on time. Or at all. Trains are constantly delayed. It’s rubbish. I ride my bike as much as possible but that doesn’t really work so well with kids.

Driving is only super important in this country because our public transport is inexcusably shit.

I never rely on anyone to take me or my children anywhere,

Except your husband. Who finds it annoying.

Yes, I'm a driver.

My post was in response to someone who wanted their passenger to share a two-hour drive. That's ridiculous.

The costs of running a car are different although I would never ask anyone to pay me petrol money for a two-hour drive anyway. It's literally a couple of quid.

And no worries at all if people fall asleep. Shows they are comfortable with my driving.

But I rented a car for our last holiday abroad because it was a place we really wanted to visit and it was not possible without car.

So you CAN drive @User7567 ? That makes all the difference. It's not 'not owning a car' that's a big problem. It's not having the life skill that allows you to rent a car drive when there's a real need to, whether for a holiday, or to reach a family member in an emergency.

For us the timing is largely irrelevant

The train line through our Cumbrian town runs from A to B - and if you want to get to anywhere on that line you're generally okay as long as the trains are actually running (and they were all cancelled yesterday due to the weather).

The issue comes if you want to go quite literally anywhere else. There's just no decent service that doesn't involve spending two hours in a connecting station somewhere, or going 40 miles out of your way because that's the only place you can get the connection from.

Is it doable? Well yes, strictly speaking, but it's not practical or remotely cost-effective, and the timings are horrendous 😂

I don't drive. Early 30s. 3 children. DP drives. We live in a village, which has everything here, and good transport if needed. I never rely on anyone to take me or my children anywhere, and they certainly don't miss out on anything, they do clubs, see friends daily, go on trips, do all sorts. I walk to work in all weathers and it's a 30 minute walk each way and back. I also get home deliveries for shopping etc.
I don't drive because of anxiety, and to be fair I've never been interested. I've lived in a big city and a small village. The cost of driving lessons now, another car, another MOT, insurance and whatever else.. it's just not do-able at the moment. May be in future but right now, it's not an option. DP say's it can be a little annoying sometimes but it doesn't affect us as a whole.
We both also have older family members who either don't drive, or can but never does and, only the husband/wife drives.. so maybe that's why it doesn't affect us much at all, it's not a big deal.

What do you do if you want to visit another area of the country? I.e go to new forest / Dorset / Devon / Cornwall / Cotswolds or any of the many lovely places in the UK that arnt cities?
I can understand you don’t need a car in central London - I never drive there but what about when you leave??

I forgot my point to my last point. Basically, most places you can probably get to (as long as it isn't Sunday in lots of places) but it can take longer and be more expensive. I quite enjoy getting public transport and will sometime get the bus places instead of driving but most of the time driving is more convenient.

Are you a driver?

Two hours doesn’t always bother me, but if it’s the beginning and end of a long day, or I’m feeling unwell or tired. If I’ve been driving a lot recently, it’s nice to have an option of sharing that with someone else.

It’s more than that though for me, it’s the mental and financial load of owning and running a car. Always being the person who people rely on etc. often with no thought given by the non driver to any of that stuff.

The worst thing for me is when your passengers just fall asleep or ignore you whilst you’re driving long distances, it’s so presumptuous and disrespectful (unless you’ve asked them to).

I didn't drive until my late 20s. I used to live in South Birmingham and had a friend who lived in a village in Staffordshire. To drive it took about 1 hour 15 to get there. On public transport I needed to get the bus into Birmingham (took about half an hour), then train to Burton or Litchfield (took about half an hour) then a bus to the village (took about 40 minutes) with the waiting for busses and trains in between. Was expensive too.

It was doable (as long as I wasn't visiting on a Sunday as the last bus didn't run then) but a pain in the arse. That friend now lives a 3 hour drive away somewhere else. I just looked up and it would take 6 hours on public transport and cost me £200.

@theduchessofspork it sounds as if you don’t understand ADHD at all. Driving requires good executive function. ADHD is literally a disorder of executive function. It affects concentration, judgement, risk assessment, and emotional control/regulation: all skills needed for adequately safe driving!

Dr Russell Berkeley, a leading ADHD expert, in one of his books (I think it’s ‘overcoming ADHD in Adults’) discusses research that shows that people with ADHD in general, drive as though they are drunk and pose/experience the same risks as a drunk behind the wheel. They are significantly more likely to get in accidents and more likely to be in serious accidents. He even suggests people who take ADHD medication take it right before driving. The DVSA mention ADHD under conditions that may stop you driving.

ADHD is a significant barrier to driving. Not an excuse. You wouldn’t dare tell someone with a physical disability that they were just making an excuse.

The problem isn’t that some people can’t drive (because we will never live in a society where all adults are physically/ mentally able too). The problem is that we do not have adequate public transport so living life as a functioning adult, unfortunately relies on being able to drive. This is what we should be fixing!

I actually believe there are way too many people getting behind a wheel that shouldn’t be.

I was the non-driving partner. I have a sight condition and had been told by my consultant that I couldn’t drive. Was in my 30s when an optician said that that might not be the case and to consult the DVLA. Went through all the medical stuff, their tests etc and told I could drive legally, so I learned on an automatic to make my life a bit easier and passed my test within 10 weeks of starting to learn.

i won’t lie, it has dramatically changed our lives for the better - we could move out of London, first we moved abroad to somewhere with basically no public transport, and now we’re back in the UK we live in a tiny hamlet with very limited public transport. I’d honestly be lost without a car.