To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

I don't think it's a red flag, more a non-negotiable like voting Reform or being a smoker.

Do you even like the idea of driving? The romance of the open road? The madness of the Paris ring roads? Or awe inspiring/hair-raising coastal roads? The beauty of coming across Stonehenge as you pass through the West Country? The crunch of gravel as you pull into a lovely country pub Trying-- to fit a billy bookcase in an ikea car park--

Yes 90% of driving is a chore/a bore but 10% is the closest thing I'll ever get to heaven on earth.

It's a red flag for everyone outside of London.

I'm from London but when I moved to the midlands I realised everyone drives everywhere. Public transport was kind of a dirty word(s). Even in big cities like Birmingham it was very unusual to meet someone in their 30's who was dependent on public transport. London makes it so easy get by without driving and public transport feels like its for everybody. There is nowhere else in the country remotely comparable.

CheerfulYank you sound a lot like me. I have sometimes described what driving feels like for me as "like I imagine being dyspraxic would be like, but only when I'm at the wheel of a car."

I don’t get it either OP, always lived in zone 2 and couldn’t afford the parking or lessons or the car itself. Also just couldn’t be bothered, there’s other things I like spending money on other than cars. Recently moved out to zone 6, still don’t feel like I need a car. DH learned to drive recently at age 36, bought a car because we now have free parking, but we still only use it for weekend getaways , never daily. A waste of money but here we are.

I live rural, if DH didn't drive I'd have to drive everywhere, which I quite often do anyways as I enjoy it. If I still lived near a city or in London, I'd not drive as everything would be close enough.

Oh look there you are making judgements about how my ADHD affects me.

It is not safe for me to drive, if it's safe for you then knock yourself out love, but don't take pot shots at me because I don't take risks with my own, and other people's safety. It's called being a responsible adult - maybe you should try it sometime.

It isn’t a complex skill? Ok, so you can’t fathom how someone dyspraxic or with severe ADHD would struggle to learn or might be dangerous if they are easily distracted and can’t focus for long? I’m baffled! Plenty of people with ADHD can drive, I know a couple, but you can’t assume your own experience applies to everybody.

We have 3 very sporty kids. Now they are older they get themselves to lots of stuff but when younger we had 9 training sessions and up to 6 matches/races a week across the county.

We also visit friends/family in other places at least once a month (train fare is so expensive - £280 return for all of us to my home town in advance! - £65 in petrol)

We camp 4 times a year

Have two very lively dogs who would die of boredom at the walkable to parks only and they aren't allowed on buses.

DH works night shifts, no transport home at 5am here.
I couldn't have been the sole driver and had a Life

Oddly, I am a non-driver and my ADHD is so raging that I am almost incapable of anxiety.

What I mean is that I live so entirely in the present moment that if something is not actually happening NOW, it’s not really happening, nor does my brain truly accept that it ever will. I cannot panic about something that may happen or even often things that are certain to happen but will not happen YET. (Depending on what it is, of course.) And when panic-worthy things do happen, I usually go immediately into rock solid triage mode and deal with things as they need to be dealt with, while people who have generally seen me as somewhat flaky and absent minded lose their shit and stare at me as though I’ve suddenly sprouted another head.

That being said, there are exceptions. This morning, for instance, I had to take a test for my work certification. I’d previously failed it and then had to reschedule retaking it twice, so I think it was built up in my head into this massive thing. I didn’t worry about it at all until about three hours before I had to take it, and then I suddenly felt as though I were going to vomit and have a panic attack all at once. Brutal, it was!

Anyway, I digress; brains are just extremely interesting to me! TLDR: I don’t drive because my brain cannot orient my body into space, not because I am or have an anxious personality. In fact it’s quite the opposite most days.

I think it's probably just seen as inconvenient, rather than a red flag.

I'm a nervous driver and my partner knows this and therefore always drives on the motorway if we're going away somewhere, but I'm happy to drive to local places like the supermarket etc.. and he accepts this about me. People who find driving easy often just have no empathy for people who find it difficult/scary because they can't understand.

I didn't drive when I first met my DH, didn't notice the red flag above my head either 🚩😵‍💫

It isn’t - most people do it fine, including the not very bright. Unless the PP with ADHD’s doctor has told her she can’t drive, I would v much doubt it. She just doesn’t want to, which is fine.

Surely you realise there's a world of difference between living in London with excellent public transport and living in the arse end of nowhere, with a bus running every two hours, weekdays only, if you're lucky?

It probably shouldn't need pointing out, but most people don't live in London. If you don't live in London, public transport is going to be mediocre at best but realistically it will be an expensive and poor service.

Not driving limits employment opportunities. It means one person has to always be the designated driver, have their time interrupted to pick up / drop off, limits the ability to be flexible and spontaneous, do things that aren't on your doorstep etc etc.

I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with someone who doesn't drive, as is my prerogative.

That’s unusual, I live pt in london and know lots of quite well off childless couples don’t have cars.

People value and want different things?

What's not to get?

(Plus, er, you live in London)

But even the London thing, everyone I know who lives in London drives, and use their cars regularly. It's a bit of a lifestyle choice. Some people value the convenience and freedom of having a car, and are prepared to pay for that.

If it is just a necessity then everyone would drive anyway - this is exactly the point @User7567. Some people don't drive even when it's really inconvenient for them and their partner.

I think in some people it's a kind of laziness, a lack of ambition almost, and that's what is unattractive.

Where I live the public transport is pretty rubbish. I can drive to my elderly MILs in an hour, if I wanted to go on the train I could only go on Saturdays because that's the only day the train runs. If she needs taking to a hospital appointment then we need to drive her to a city because her town doesn't actually have a hospital. Places that tend to have good public transport also tend to have better infrastructure and choice for most other things too.

It’s a public forum, you’ll get opinions whether you like it or not.

If you don’t want to drive don’t, but I think it’s highly unlikely to be unsafe due to your ADHD.

Driving doesn't matter if you live in London. Where I live we almost point and wave if a bus goes past, it seems so rare. The problem I have with none drivers in my poor public transport area is that they expect someone else to run them around, and you are lucky if you are offered even a bit of petrol money.

I truly can’t, though. My body cannot orient itself into space. Literally my brain does not understand where I am 🤣 My depth perception is crap. My sense of right and left is crap. I cannot picture things in reverse; if I am not looking at it I will often miss a shelf entirely if I try to set something on it. I am almost incapable of giving directions even if it’s to a place I’ve been many times. I cannot follow the simplest choreographed dance. My neurologist had a field day with me, I assure you!

That being said, in a case of a TRUE emergency, like say escaping a horde of zombies, where laws were out the window and it wouldn’t matter if I drove into a field or two, I could probably manage it. It’s possible that I could also drive a bit in very small town with not many people and cars about, I have done before. But it’s very, very hard and I have to really concentrate to manage it. My sense of timing and distance are not typical and would almost certainly lead to tragedy or at least quite a fender bender, in a situation where I would need to make a split second decision behind the wheel.

If driving is important then of course driving can be a red flag. The same way chewing loudly, voting tory or drinking may or may not be red flags.

If you live somewhere with good transport links it's less of an issue. Living somewhere rural or with terrible public transport it can be difficult and is a lot to ask for someone else to drive you all the time or be restricted in what you can do.

My dh has had to give up driving on medical grounds and it's been really hard for us all. Suddenly all of the getting around is on me unless it's within a few minutes walk. There is no tube, rail is unreliable, busses are appalling, taxis are limited. Before this it was all fine, we could both get to work, drop dc off at school/nursery or activities, plan social lives... now that's all on me. If this was a decision with a new partner then no, I'd probably not want to start a life with someone who relied on me entirely (obviously 15 years down the line and it being unexpected it's not a deal breaker, just mildly frustrating).

You mention congestion charge, so presumably London based, so not an issue.
If you live in the arse end of nowhere with shit public transport , I'd imagine it's more of a problem.

Not everyone has exactly the same experience of ADHD, plus it commonly occurs with other conditions that can make driving an extra challenge such as dyspraxia. Just because you don’t find it ‘that hard’ your experience does not apply to everybody. It’s a very complex skill.

Because unless you're in London or another big city with transport available it's a fuck on getting to work and kids where they need to be.