To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

You don’t need to drive in London there is good public transport. When I visit my Dad in west London my car stays at his house and I used train/tube and bus. Where I live a car is essential as you couldn’t work without one. The buses don’t connect properly. There isn’t really a train service to where we’d need to go and it is more expensive out of London.

I would consider someone who
doesnt drive a red flag where I am as it would mean they would have limited job options or I’d be a taxi.

I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I absolutely can't. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I tried. I don't have ADHD or anything (only dyscalculia, but probably not relevant), I just couldn't do it. I was fine with just driving down a straight road, but couldn't get to grips with manoeuvres like the turn in the road, reverse parking, etc, gear changes. I'd had about 30 lessons with one teacher, who, in the nicest possible way, told me some people just aren't natural drivers. I changed teachers after that. He was so patient. In the end, I was spending a fortune, getting nowhere and going home in tears after most lessons.
I felt so stupid that I couldn't do this. I would love it to be just because I didn't want to. I'm 50 now and thinking of giving it one last go, but since it gets harder when you are older and I was 25 then, I doubt I have much hope.
The blessing is, H doesn't drive either, because he has never had the interest so I am not a burden and we don't have kids. It affects where we live, we can't be more rural, but need to be on a train/bus route and work local. It's never needed to be London or a big city, though.
We NEVER cadge lifts. It's taxis, buses/trains and legs. H cycled when we were younger, a 20 mile round trip to work and back, never missed a day, never had a lift from a colleague. I bussed it. We live elsewhere now, and both walk to work. Reasonable public transport.
I wish I could drive. I might have got it in the end, but there wasn't an endless pot of money to keep spending on something I just wasn't getting.
When people say most people manage it, even the not very bright, or that it's a basic skill/easy to do, I cringe at myself. I don't know why I found it so hard.

DH and I both learned to drive. Both didn’t enjoy it and gave it up. Both believe it’s not essential, but a life choice. Both believe the world would be a better place with a different approach to driving and whether it’s necessary. I’d love to hear more people say they can’t drive, didn’t learn and don’t want to.

There is a difference between having a licence & deciding not to have a car because you live in Central London and not ever having passed your Test.

I live in a London Borough where there is no tube line....but plenty of frequent buses. I think people would be amazed that there are 3 buses that go past my road, finish after midnight, and before 10pm are every 8-10 minutes.

I’ve only see it be a red flag on MN, nowhere else tbh.

I grew up in an area of 40,000 with reliable public transport and got my learner’s permit at 16, it expired and I never got a license afterwards. I went to uni in a U.S. major city for years and it was considered normal not to drive because parking was so expensive on top of buying a car and maintenance that most just rented a car for the day if they needed it. I moved to the UK over a decade ago and didn’t need a car either. Still don’t due to living in a commuter town with reliable bus services going to different counties and two train station going to London and other big cities. Where are home is schools are both less than a 15 minute walk away as are food shops, several soft plays in walking distance and countless outdoor play areas, as is the gp, library, dentist, and four different gyms. I’ve been in a car under 10 times this year alone and probably wouldn’t make it to 20 by the end of the year.

DH and I both agreed we wanted to live somewhere where driving wasn’t a necessity and kids could walk to do things instead of depend on someone driving them all over. Plus if something were to happen to us where we lost the ability to drive or if we ever had to sell the car, it wouldn’t be a big change, or a very difficult one. DH enjoys driving and I’m happy to run errands by walking. Doesn’t limit me or our three kids and they enjoy taking the bus and train and watching out of the large windows and us walking to places. I’m not asking DH or anyone for rides either and I also do the morning routine and school run for our three children and after school is divided up between DH and me so nothing is all on the driver of the family.

Driving is a lifestyle choice. You either choose to do it, or you don’t. In our house it’s also part of our hobbies. We have a classic car, a motorhome, a big fun Jeep Wrangler, and I have a Mini as a runaround. We have towed horses and caravans as well. As a child I used buses and loathed them, made me travel sick. Outside of London, getting anywhere fast is a pain in the butt as transport links are atrocious. Driving is our lifestyle choice, living in London certainly isn’t. Not a status symbol, just part of 21st century living to us.

It would be a red flag / dealbreaker for me. I’d resent having to do all the driving in every situation. Especially with kids activities that are difficult by public transport and visiting family in other parts of the U.K.

I'd say it's unusual for people in London to drive. Especially those on a below average income.
But elsewhere I think it would present a real barrier to accessing local amenities. For me local is two minutes walk maximum. To someone in a rural area the shop might be five miles away plus. With no busses or only two a day or something. I think it's really bad that they don't make public transport better in more isolated areas as it means the poor get trapped to an extent.

I don't think that it's about that at all. I'm one who has said I'd never have a relationship with someone who didn't drive- when I met my DH he was driving around in a Ford Ka worth £50 that leaked when it rained. It was totally about practicalities and not about 'status' at all.

I'm hypothesising here ; are they judging because you would need to have a car to have a weekend away? I'm assuming you don't really go on UK breaks as most of the country you need a car. So it is actually that they're a bit sneery that you're so London centric?

Oh I do like the idea of those things so much, I really do. I’m often envious of anyone who gets to drive around on the open road at night, belting out their favorite songs. I do that a lot with people, but it’s not the same I’m sure.

This ^^ with bells, whistles and whatever else is available on.

The smug "just use public transport/get an Uber" posts are so irritating and tone deaf.

DH won't drive locally any more and it has reached a point where I no longer think he is a safe driver, so I do all the driving. So we got rid of my car this year. It is much cheaper to only run one car, but I am vexed that DH's "won't drive" has now become "can't drive"

It's not all about having a great public transport system. I'm a born and bred Londoner and used it for 20 years for work. Now I don't have to so always drive instead as a choice because I don't want to stand on packed trains and busses if I don't have to, or feel like I have to leave early before dark because as a woman, I don't want to get on public transport alone.

Yeah, there are a lot of us out here! :)

Mine, according to neurologists, can’t be labeled either strictly dyspraxia or dyscalculia even though there are some similarities with both…but some of the hallmarks of each don’t trouble me at all.

Other parts of my brain work more quickly or efficiently than is typical; for instance I can speed read, and can just generally process language in all forms quite well, as well as odd language adjacent things like being able to mimic accents but only specific things I’ve actually heard said out loud and can “play back” in my head. 🤷‍♀️ One of the doctors kind of threw up his hands and said “it’s not a technical or professional answer, but it almost seems like when your brain was being formed, some parts got too much juice and didn’t leave any for others.” They eventually settled on “unspecified visual-spatial dysfunction of unknown cause” and called it a day.

Anyway, all brains are mysterious weird wonderful things, and I cannot drive or do some things that come quite easily to most people, but I can do some things that most people can’t, and at some point over the past 40 odd years I’ve just made my peace with that. :)

Not everyone lives in London!

I live in a town with over 80,00 people, live a 5 minute car drive away from 4 supermarkets, GP surgery, dentist, high street etc and the bus service is only 3 times a day (earliest is at 10.30am and last is at 2.30pm) and not at all on sundays or bank holidays No train station where I live either.

My DC school is a 5 minute drive in the other direction and again its not possible to use public transport to get there. Older DC can ride their bikes but younger one cant and I need to drop off on the way to work.

Unless you’ve been told this by a medical professional, then I simply don’t think that’s the case. It might well take you longer than some people - it varies hugely - but you would learn to do it. It’s of course fine if you don’t want to.

Because people lack imagination and think if something matters to them it should matter to everyone, and if they couldn't cope without something neither can anyone else. They also feel it is 'immature' 'irresponsible' 'not adulty enough', when men don't drive, which often tend to be euphemisms for 'not manly enough' because men are supposed to love cars and driving and look wet letting women drive them around.
There are potential red flags as it might suggest loss of licence due to dangerous motoring offences, alcohol issues, or financial difficulties. It could also be restrictive for his employment prospects and many women set great store on a man's ability to provide.

I would dispute driving not being necessary in a city! London fair enough probably not, but where we are in Northern city we can get into town no problem but going to the next suburb over would mean going into town to get another bus out again- suburbs aren't well connected with each other. Fine if you don't need that ability and fine if you can cycle, but we found once we had kids we needed a car to get them where they needed to be.

No, some people take longer to learn for sure, but with practice I think anyone can.

If the PP who says she isn’t safe to were on meds and/ had been medically advised not to, then of course I’d take it at face value - but if that were the case she’d have said so - so I think it’s more likely a confidence / anxiety issue.

OP can you try really hard, stretch your imagination, focus and concentrate, and imagine a world outside London? A world where there are small towns, villages, places without an underground train system, places without buses, beaches without railway stations, mountains that buses don’t go to, houses with parking spaces, farms, houses that are 15 miles from a shop or a sports ground…….and then try and imagine why some people think driving is important.

I can’t actually believe you’ve made a post saying “why is it such a big deal for people to be able to drive? I don’t need to drive, so why does anyone else?”

My nearest general store is 5 miles away. If I run out of milk I would need to do that myself.. every time.

If I was married to a man who couldn't do this for us .. well I don't know really... because I would never actually marry such an incompetent.

London is fine. No tube in East Hoathley... we have a bus on Tuesday ..

Taught ALL dc to drive . Expensive, so no holidays for 5 years.. but it's a massive life skill I was happy to prioritise.

None of our London friends drive but the ones living in the outskirts do. They don’t drive into London to meet me or go to work though. Driving not necessary in a city.

Well put!

Some of the things mentioned here - kids clubs, kids parties, big shops etc would all fall to the driver
Also UK holidays - I once drove a mate to Cornwall from the North West and it was a bit of a slog, so much nicer sharing driving with someone
My BIL lives semi rurally but can't drive, my SIL has to do everything. Every errand, every parcel, every pint of milk, every social event, she is responsible for ferrying him around. It's a huge source of friction between them as he said he would learn to drive and then as soon as they were married reneged on that

I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't drive, I wouldn't necessarily judge their personality or character but they wouldn't be for me

My ex husband didn't drive. He promised me he would learn when I got pregnant. He didn't. When I went into labour I had to get the bus to hospital (no taxi would take me due to risk of waters breaking). Never again.

I guess it depends on where you live: if it's in a city with good public transportation, I agree it doesn't makes sense.
But maybe it's a matter of seeing driving as a proxy for autonomy or resourcefulness...