To not understand the obsession with driving / red flag if partner doesn’t drive?

But in many parts of the UK, you can't really be a non-driver without asking for lifts, unless you're happy to never leave the town or village you live in.

Around here, we have no buses and the train service is awful, and barely operates on Sundays or bank holidays. So anyone wanting to go anywhere on those days needs access to a car - otherwise they just can't go. Walking would be impossible both due to distance and the fact that there's no safe, practical walking route.

Yes, you could use a taxi but it would cost you an absolute fortune and you'd need to book it several days in advance.

DH was without a car recently while it was in the garage and it was real pain in the arse. Yes, he borrowed mine but I need mine for work so he found himself very stuck and restricted.

My DH has never been able to drive and never will be, because of a medical condition. He is great, we live somewhere with good public transport, DDs are both great walkers because they go out a lot with him but still, with young DDs sometimes public transport doesn't make sense eg to an appointment if they're unwell, to a birthday party at a sports centre somewhere where it would take four times as long by bus, out to a national trust place for the day, to a not very accessible sports club every single Saturday morning, picking them up from parties as they get older etc. And it will always restrict where we live because we'll need the public transport or things within walking distance. And I always have to drive when we go on holiday.
If I had a partner who could learn to drive, but thought "nah, don't need to. She can do any driving that's necessary, so I won't bother" I'd be really put off by the attitude.

You can both drive - you put in the effort, passed your driving tests and have licences that you choose not to use, but you both could if things changed.

That's a lot different to someone who has made a choice to never learn, let alone pass their test and expects to be driven everywhere no matter how inconvenient. Obviously not everyone has parents who'll fund the driving test when they're young and still living at home, however most people manage to find the time and money to do it and keep going till they pass, so the non drivers expecting mums taxi age 30+ become frustrating.
I take your point about London, it is perfectly possible to live without a car there.

This is an annoying response. I've spent hundreds if not thousands on lessons and failed my practical test four times. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to keep throwing money away and I actually think I wouldn't be safe on the road. A lot of drivers are impatient, inconsiderate and unsafe. Perhaps if some people decided it was more sensible not to drive there'd be fewer accidents. I live somewhere with good public transport links for a reason. All of this has been thought out and doesn't mean I don't have "basic life skills". How condescending.

Driving is, of course, a personal choice. But having seen people at close quarters with a non driving partner, it wouldn’t be for me.

My FIL died leaving my non driving MIL a widow at 62. Her life shrunk immeasurably. She didn’t want to use public transport at night alone and anyway, it only took her near her destinations, not to the actual destination (bingo, theatre, concerts). She was constantly asking for lifts until friends started avoiding her. At family events, she’d fix on her lift and then that person ( sometimes the host) couldn’t have a drink until they’d taken her home. She could/did use taxis but resented the cost and didn’t like being in cars with strangers. During the day, she lost the energy or enthusiasm for long public transport journeys to new places with the attendant walking. We often joked she missed the car more than FIL.

Another friend’s long term partner is a non driver and did every one of the school drop offs/ pick up, parties, activities for their two kids and then when they were teenagers, did the 2am pick ups with no one to share the lifts and drove them to university, to the airport etc. Whilst her DP sat there during the evening with a nice beer or two. And now they’re older she’d like to move out of town but they’re really limited as to where they can go because he can’t drive. And UK holidays to explore new areas are a pain because she has to do all the driving. And that’s in a medium sized northern city not in the back of beyond rural countryside.

My MIL said her biggest regret was not learning to drive and my friend says if she’d had a crystal ball, she would have made it non negotiable that her DP learned to drive in the early days. So yes, it would be a red flag to me. Even jf we didn’t need a car (and that’s surely only in city centres), I’d want the option of car rental on holidays or for UK journeys. I taught my kids in our car after a few lessons - it doesn’t need to cost the earth.

This, exactly.

You both have a license though and if you didn't live in London with excellent transport links you could both drive if needed to.

I think what many don't want is to be living 30 minutes drive from someone who has poor transport links and dating meaning they always do the driving.

I wouldn't call it a red flag. But I don't see an issue with not always wanting to be the one with the added expectations and feeling an uneven balance.

Not read responses but no of course it isn't a "red flag" if someone doesn't drive, unless it's out of pure laziness. I'm 42 and can't drive, not for lack of trying. My husband does drive. Today for example, he's working & I'm just using public transport with my daughter. No big deal. We don't live out in the sticks for good reason.
If a man can't drive then to judge him by different standards to a woman who can't drive would be extremely old fashioned and unfair.

The red flag isn't for choosing a lifestyle without driving (for all the sensible reasons you give in your situation).
Red flag is for someone who has never qualified to drive despite all the inconveniences that then causes in life.
It's the failure to actively 'achieve basic adult-level life skills' element that is the issue.

There are some situations where not even getting your licence isn't because you are have no gumption...
but often it goes hand in glove with being happy to expect others to facilitate you and using it as an excuse to bow out of anything requiring some reciprocal effort.
Hence it being something that should put you on your guard for it being a clue to the kind of person you're dealing with.

Nothing wrong with not driving if neither of you drive. But if one does and one doesn’t, it creates an imbalance in the relationship- the driver becomes more like a parent who always has to be responsible.

Very much agree with you when living in London. I’m in the countryside in Cornwall where you need absolutely everywhere (except for a countryside walk). It would be absolutely awful and extremely limiting dating someone who didn’t drive here.

From most of these posts, it sounds like many here had friends and family that took the piss and likely did in other ways so decided that most non-drivers are like that when there are many that independently and quietly get on with things without asking people for help or lifts.

We don’t live in a place with even remotely decent public transport, not driving wouldn’t be an option. For me it would be a huge red flag because of how much extra work it would put on me eg taking them to work before myself, being in charge of all school/nursery runs, taking everyone to every single appointment, being the only one who could do the food shopping, having to be available for everyone else’s schedule in entirety… I don’t really drink but to consistently be the designated driver would eventually bother me. If you have acceptable public transport then I can see it may not be an issue, but I wouldn’t consider anything with someone who couldn’t drive where I live.

My (now) DH didn't drive when we first met and it was a complete PIA. When we then moved more rurally it became impossible and he had to learn to drive. Now with 2 kids and living in a town that isn't London we run 2 cars and would find it incredibly expensive and inconvenient to attempt to do otherwise.

we’re in London

The answer to all your questions is that not everyone lives in London.

I disagree that driving isn't a burden.

It may not be one all the time, but if you're somewhere with no public transport and nobody else in your family drives, it can be incredibly frustrating.

Often the non driver will just pipe up with comments like "let's pop to X tomorrow" or "I quite fancy doing Y tonight" with no real concept of the journey or how tiring it can be to be the one who (yet again) is having to navigate unfamiliar roads, or who is having to drive after a long day etc.

And on a day to day basis it can be pretty frustrating to be the only person who can do certain things - obviously in places like London it's different, but around here if you want to go anywhere on a Sunday, you need a car (or a lot of money for a taxi).

This is the main issue, IMO.
I will be flamed for this but it is worse if the man doesn’t drive - the majority of household work/childcare still falls to the woman in most families. If the woman then had to do all the driving, drop off/pick ups etc it just add more of a burden.

(I know there are those who have the perfect balance or the male DP does or all)

I just wouldn’t want to be the one who had to drive everywhere. My husband does drive but I’m the designated driver on nights out because I don’t drink and even that gets annoying sometimes!

I also when I was in my teens and twenties would never imagine driving to London when I was going for the weekend but now that I'm in my thirties the train prices are so astronomical that I drive as it costs a third of the price.

It was me who asked about that.

I'm more than aware you can get the train away- I did when I was a student- but then you tend to be stuck in the least attractive busiest part of an area. The last four UK holidays we have been on (Yorkshire dales, north lakes, Scottish Highlands, Snowdonia) would have been challenging to say the very least with a two year old and no car, and you certainly just wouldn't be able to see as much, and being arguably far less worthwhile.

The OP was bringing up that maybe having a car wash a status thing, and it may well be in the sense that the people she feels are looking down on her can't imagine not jumping in the car and going to centre parcs for the weekend rather than dragging bags on the train to great Yarmouth.

I hate driving but I drive because it's a basic, necessary, skill where I live. I also find it important to be independent and not have to rely on (patchy, Northern) public transport or for other people to drive me around.

I do find that many non-drivers have no clue how frustrating they can be to others. Many of them in my experience will say they don't drive because they find it stressful or they "don't need to" but then happily rely on someone else to drop their kids off, to take them on holiday to the Lakes/Cornwall/etc, or to "just drop me off as you're going anyway."

I grew up in a very poor household where we couldn't afford a car, so never had one growing up and couldn't afford to drive until I paid myself through it as an adult. I wanted that independence as soon as I could get it. If people actively choose not to drive then they're actively choosing to rely on other people instead - which gives me the ick, and is absolutely something I'd avoid choosing in a partner.

It limits where you can go though. I love travelling by train and want to do some of the more scenic routes but regular train cancellations and strikes have put me off booking any of these trips.

We have one train an hour where we live, and there are regular cancellations. It is only a single track so one train being late has a knock on effect on other trains.

I dont see it as a red flag but sometimes I do wonder what would happen if...
My partners brother doesn't drive but his partner does. I always wonder what would happen if she were ill and couldn't drive. Or if they had a baby and she went into labour etc.

It would be a massive red flag for me personally.

I live in a small village. There are no busses and taxis are ridiculously expensive (think £40 at a minimum to go anywhere) so I wouldn’t date anyone who couldn’t drive as it would be so restrictive.

Then add to that - my job is driving related. And my hobby is cars. Sure I could teach someone how to drive (I taught my partner to tow last year) and they could then pass their test but its really useful to me that my partner is happy to drive my hobby cars. They aren’t really the kind of thing you can just let a new driver lose on and could easily put a new driver off.

From experience people who don't drive (as in never learned) have no idea how stressful and tiring it can be sometimes, so don't really see an issue with expecting someone else to do all the work (and pay all the expenses driving brings) I have a friend who cannot grasp the concept that her DP who drives all over the country for a living may be tired from it at the end of each day. They also can't fathom that it's really bloody annoying having to be the one who does all driving on days out etc so there is no way I would want to be in a relationship with anyone who at least didn't have a grasp of the concept