To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

This is such bullshit. Being a stay at home parent is not a job, it’s not work. I’ve done it, it’s hard in some ways, but it’s not employment.
I think your dh is being seriously unsupportive op. Sometimes we do things that are boring and we don’t like to help other people who we care about.

I'd say he should be bloody grateful that your job allows him to stay at home whilst your children are small and you also by default fund his hobby.

It's not his decision whether or not you take the children. Your going and they are invited so I would say that makes it your choice.

Our set up is the opposite way round however I do also work but am the lower earner. I've been to a few social events with DH, which arnt my chosen idea of fun but allow DH a good relationship with his boss and therefore support in him keeping our lifestyle as it is.

Well possibly he is, but that’s because society judges men who are “full time parents” (unless single parenting) in a way that it doesn’t judge women.

How does a spouse who is abroad 3-4 nights per week get on without a “supporting spouse” when there is no family nearby?

It does sound quite painful to be honest, but I guess you should all go. Your boss shouldn’t really have proffered the invite IMO as you couldn’t really turn it down (or go yourself) without causing offense/potentially harming your career development (according to you).

Agree with this.

OP I think you have bigger problems than this one social event.

What is your DH really bringing to the table? A partner should enhance your life, be part of your team, make it easier for you.

I can't see how 10% housework when he has 6 hours a day free is in any way fair. If you have a cleaner, it's literally the daily tidying and laundry that he needs to do. Everyone I know manages this amount of housework around their jobs (many professional, full time, full on jobs).

You should sit him down and talk about your roles in the household and the value you both bring to the family/relationship.

Would you be saying that about a woman? People on here always go on about how SAHM facilitate their spouses careers and how the man would be up the creek without them...

But he 'doesn't work'. I wouldn't be going to the lunch either in his position. The weekend is free time.

OopsyDaisie it sounds a bit from your comments as if you're going to go along with his demand to not take the DC.

Please tell me I've got that wrong? Please don't let him dictate to you!

@TakeMeDancing

When I was a SAHM, this was definitely the case with me. But then again, I was supporting DH at his networking events and doing more than 10% of the housework…

I completely disagree with the premise that you need to have a “supporting spouse” to have a career: I have managed without one.

But I do suspect that the DH probably is bridling at the idea of being arm candy at social events because he thinks of it as a “feminine” role.

Well it depends on your job. I suspect those thinking it’s an outrageous imposition are in relatively low level jobs, with set ‘hours’. I have been invited to many such ‘family’ gatherings as DPs spouse, with the DC. There wasn’t usually any work talk or sucking up involved. It didn’t matter that I sometimes didn’t know other people, as a functioning adult I can make conversation and often became friends with other attendees. Only on Mumsnet do people seek to isolate themselves from normal human contact.

When I was a SAHM, this was definitely the case with me. But then again, I was supporting DH at his networking events and doing more than 10% of the housework…

@5128gap

If you want to get on via a 'friendship' that will only ever be one sided due to the power dynamic rather than from your skills and abilities, that's up to you, but your shouldn't force your family to collude

I understand that socialising with your OH’s colleagues is tedious and I would probably be sighing inside if I was the DH.

But the moral outrage here is just silly and a bit disingenuous. What the DH is being asked to do is not that different from the politics of being sociable at lunch with your in laws. It’s adopting friend-like behaviour in a setting where there’s another motive or where you may not feel like doing it.

If you dig too deep into that you could start to feel morally uncomfortable with anyone who is a stay at home spouse and is reliant on their partner for financial security. That’s a classic example of a one sided power dynamic but it’s absolutely accepted in family life because it sometimes makes sense.

If you are saying family relationships and family time should never be polluted by the need to make money, where do you draw the line?

Money plays a central part in both family and work relationships. It’s fastidious and a bit childish to claim that family is somehow “sacred” and shouldn’t be exposed to the dirty business of making money. The two have always been connected.

Doing 10% of the housework.

You need to take the kids. Yours were invited partly to entertain his child. You might end up inadvertently pissing the boss off, if you go alone.

Make an excuse for him this time but id be having serious words about him sabotaging your normal work do’s where he’s not even invited. That’s weird and controlling, as is the saying no to the kids this time.
He doesn’t want to go - fine. Dictating about you and the kids - not fine.

Dragging along a partner who doesn't want to be there is often more detrimental than if they don't go at all, its just mildly embarrassing as they become socially awkward and give one word answers... don't ask me how I know that one...

My exH was a SAHP for many years and the resentment shone through in the end with me being the breadwinner. I get the feeling your DH is just throwing his toys out of the pram that he might feel inferior when he meets your boss / colleagues, and insecurity that comes with some men being the SAHP. I constantly had to empower my ExH and boost his ego. Saying how proud I was that we were showing a great example to our DC on what a great partnership we were and wanting to show off my family. I had to constantly tell him how great he was, got too exhausting in the end and told him to suck it up! When we split my DS told me that his Dad had always been there for him and I hadn't, that hurt like F.. sorry its not about me!! You having to make decisions to not make things awkward and walk on eggshells is something I have sympathy with OP.

I hate this attitude.

I agree. I would not want to spend my Sunday sucking up to my DH’s boss and I wouldn’t expect my DH to do that for me either. Although I think it’s up to the OP if she takes the kids or not.

I'm team DH, on principle. Because the fact that being press ganged into unwanted socialising at the weekend helps careers is deeply, fundamentally wrong. A person's promotion prospects should be about their performance in their job, not their willingness to provide a family friendship group for their boss.
If you want to get on via a 'friendship' that will only ever be one sided due to the power dynamic rather than from your skills and abilities, that's up to you, but your shouldn't force your family to collude. If your reasons for going were genuine I'd say its a bit churlish he doesn't at least give it a go, but in these circumstances it feels very much like being wheeled out as a prop, and I'd not want that for myself or DC. You should go on your own I think.

Your husband should be supporting you and your career. It would be different were it all the time.

Ususally the Stay at Home Mother is praised for being the only reason the working father can do his job.

But in this case. the SAHD is not doing a very good job.

• Refuses to support his wife in a "networking" social event for work
• Doesn't do the majority of housework
• Seems to be quite self-centred & not above emotional blackmail

Exactly my thoughts.

This man is a bit selfish @OopsyDaisie Sorry.