To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

Quite

Look, it’s a nice gesture from your boss. Don’t take dh if he’ll be a sulky bore. Do take the kids as it sounds as if they’d enjoy it. Do get him to drive you/pick you up so that you can relax with a nice glass of wine.

But I bet the working father doesn't come home and do housework

if I don't take the kids, will I get a call to come back homr early due to whatever reason?

It's concerning that this has even entered your head as a possibility. As their parent - especially a SAHP - he should be able.to deal with whatever comes up. But it seems he has form for disrupting your work, if he routinely calls and.pushes you to come.home early from (rare) evening events.

He tells you where you can take your children. He tells.you what your bedtime.should be. He doesn't do his share of the housework. He's not even offering to look after the children when he's told.you to not to take them.with you (and it sounds as if he's expecting you to organise the childcare).

Is he trying to sabotage your career? Does he resent you? Does he bring anything good to.your relationship, or is he just a controllong arse?

I certainly wouldnt want him coming.to the work lunch in these circumstances - I'd be worried about what he'd do. But I'd also be having a very good look at his general patterns of behaviour.

Am a bit pissed off with this idea that the dh is an 'ungrateful twat' who owes his ability to have hobbies to the wohp! He is looking after the dc - if he wasn't doing so, the OPs working life would be harder and they would have a huge childcare bill.

I have also been the trailing spouse and have done some of these events. But frankly, they were really hard going - it's difficult going in to a situation where you don't know the internal politics, you just feel under the microscope. I'm not surprised he said no to going.

That said, you have every right to take your children if you want to, and he has no right to obstruct this - not taking them would come across as rude and he really ought to understand that. You can make legitimate excuses for him not being there, but not the kids if this is meant to be a 'family' event.

I personally wouldn’t go to any intimate lunch with a partners boss - as your DH said they’re tedious and always there for ulterior motives. However he’s no right to say you can’t take the children.

If he doesn't want to.go,.I'd leave him with the kids and go. You don't need him or the children. If you go.alone, you'll enjoy it better. I'd tell your boss, they already have plans e.g. birthday party/hobby/activity.

It’s really not weird at all. It’s absolutely routine in these sorts of jobs that very occasionally partners and children are invited.

Wives have been invited to their husband’s work socials for decades.

I think some people have clearly watched too much American TV 🤣 and/or have never worked in an office type job (where the reactions are more understandable).

This is fairly common. Bosses and employees do often get on and enjoy each others company outside the workplace. Some of it might be schmoozing in the sense that it is nice to get to know the real person outside the suit and desk environment but it's not like careers hang on having a shepherd's pie with the manager and their family. It's just something nice to suggest and sometimes being a manager can be lonely as we know full well there are people who despise us just because we're the manager.

Your DH sounds the sort who would consult a Union over this invite. Go with your kids, get him to drop you off/pick you all up and have a nice afternoon.

I'm not speaking from 'moral outrage' or any sense that 'family time is sacred' (actually that isnt even a considerstion, as im thinking more of those who cant curry favour by wheeling out their families!) I'm simply saying that i wouldnt want to be dragged in to support something i disagreed with.
No one's career should flourish on the basis of a willingness to socialise with their boss. This has harmed women's progression for years, and it needs to stop imo, and just because it's two women on this occasion doesn't change my view on that.
This doesn't sound like it's a networking event, just the boss trying to develop a personal friendship. Which could be fine, were the OP genuine.
However these faux friendships are problematic for all sorts of reasons. For the junior who feels their career success depends on it, for the boss who has friends with an ulterior motive, for equally or more competent colleagues disadvantaged by being outside of it.
I'm not so naive as to imagine that's not how some jobs work, and that its necessary to succeed in some sectors, but I'd not want to be involved. Saying that, I'd not choose a partner who was involved in it in the first place.

There is a lot of ridiculousness and a very large lack of comprehension on this thread, sadly.
I am amazed at the number of people who think this is some kind of dystopian rule of work. Obviously, they are not in roles where this is a thing, but refuse to see why they are a thing
Sad, really

This. Weird request from your boss.

I expect my husband to come to events that are important to my career and I would do the same for him. Yes, it's always boring for the partner but needs must.

This 👍🏻
We're a team and want to support each other.

OP your husband is being a selfish baby.

Well possibly he is, but that’s because society judges men who are “full time parents” (unless single parenting) in a way that it doesn’t judge women.

True. But no one is requiring him not to work. He seems to be putting very strict restrictions on what he is prepared to do and doesn’t do a huge amount on the home front.

I guess being a nanny or childminder isn't work, either, then.

Work doesn't have to be paid or miserable, y'know. Gardening is "working in the garden" and thoroughly enjoyable for many people.

Of course it is work, just not paid work. Work and employment (or having a job, if you like) aren’t the same.

This. Fine if he doesn't want to socialise with your boss but he can't say anything about you taking the children. And really you two need to sit down to discuss labour division in your household. I get mad at my DH for thinking I'm always on duty for the children no matter what day it is. I do think it's fair that I do wake up, school runs, laundry, help with home work, cleaning, dinner etc because he spends the same time on work. But week-ends, evenings and holidays it's still me doing everything. I would just like for him to pitch in more and not just treat me like I'm the live in nanny/cleaner/cook 24/7. Your DH lives the good life with a cleaner coming in as well! How can he watch you working and then coming home to do housework that could/should have been dealt with during the day by the adult staying at home? He sounds really selfish and entitled.

@Pottedpalm

It didn’t matter that I sometimes didn’t know other people, as a functioning adult I can make conversation and often became friends with other attendees. Only on Mumsnet do people seek to isolate themselves from normal human contact.

I agree: I loathe this attitude of “me and my little family against the world” at the best of times. It’s inward looking and self limiting to think your social life is frozen in aspic because you have a spouse and children. This is a large factor in the epidemic of loneliness we see today in my view. People shun social contact because “my little family” and then wonder why people don’t bother with them.

But I also think it’s childish to think you can draw a sacred line between “family” and “money”. The two things have always coexisted and been symbiotic.

No one’s social life should pivot around their spouse’s work obviously but making a bit of effort with them a couple of times a year comes at no cost and will likely create a big added benefit.

Smooching the boss? 😮 I don't think that's necessary...

OP, does he not understand that you'll say he's playing his sport but actually he'll be looking after the kids? He seems a bit dim.😅

Yep.

I’m so glad, while he doesn’t have to attend, he doesn’t get to dictate to you about taking your kids to a social event! It sounds an unhealthy dynamic with you constantly trying not to upset him, and him not caring a bit about how you feel…

Is your boss likely to be in Alpha man mode " So Jeff/ Dave/ Keith, what's it like to be at home all day? Don't you get bored doing nothing ? Talking of jobs Jeff, David, Keith....oh sorry I forget you're not working .ha ha Cue manly ( passive aggressive pat on the back)..blah blah. Women have put up with that for years. I can see why your husband wouldn't be interested in putting himself in thst position.

Thanks for your reply. I was married for 20 years, divorced last year. A very long story but I was the BW for most of that time after DH lost his job when DS was 6 months old. Sometimes I was told during an argument that I could leave but would be the one to move out and he would continue to be the SAHP, this was why I stayed in the marriage until DS was 17. It wasn't all bad, a very good marriage mostly but he was insecure and financially controlling as I realise looking back (and my friends never told me that's what they thought until we split). Sorry I digress.. in answer to your question. things are great now I am still working FT moved out late last year and he is still in the family home for now but our DS is off to Uni soon and I don't have any regrets. Its not easy when traditional roles are reversed for either person but mutual respect is essential. Feel free to PM me :-)