To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

@GustyFinknottle

Thank goodness you've said this. I guess daytime MN is inevitably dominated by the antisocial/ introverted people who don't talk to neighbours, don't answer a knock on their front door and don't have lunch with anyone but their closest relatives. Most of the rest of us are off doing something interesting.

Yep. I find it slightly disturbing to be reminded how many people regard any kind of social contact outside of the family as a source of fear and a gross imposition. There are so many scared and socially isolated people.

People are sometimes required to come into contact with others outside their family. Yes sometimes it’s a pain in the arse but it’s part of life. Anyone who regards this as unreasonable is going to seriously struggle with their lives and will also pass this paranoid and intransigent behaviour onto their children.

No one is obliged to socialise with their spouse’s colleagues obviously. You won’t go to prison if you don’t. But it costs you nothing and it just might be really helpful for your family in the long term. Plus, God forbid, if you relaxed a bit you might even find it passably enjoyable.

Also the idea that people should be able to ring fence their family life like is really unhealthy. No one ever reached middle age thinking: “Thank God I shut the world out when I had kids! Imagine how awful my life would be if I had more friends!”

As the SAHP, I knew it was important to DH's career, and by extension to our wellbeing as a family to really provide the support and family background at events like this. Also, I was interested in his career, the company and the people. It was part of my 'job' if you like. It was also good for the kids to learn how to behave and be comfortable at work events.

Whatever your DH's motivations, it sounds like he has been enabled to opt out of a fair amount of what he should be doing to support your job as the main earner. Sadly, this is very much in keeping with far too many SAHP's I have known, particularly the male ones.

I agree - I think if you don’t work in this type of environment it’s probably not clear but the OPs boss is not trying to be her friend.

Of course you can, and do. However, OP has been invited to a social event and she clearly thinks it will help. Meeting someone’s family in their home obviously promotes and signals a different relationship than just being friendly by the water cooler.

"What if the boss's children are unpleasant to the OPs children, but the boss thinks a lovely time was had by all, so next month let's go for a weekend away together! Do OPs children get told to suck that up for mummy's career?"

I think those who see this as potentially the start of a friendship are misunderstanding. In my line of work it is very normal to have extremely occasional dinners at colleagues' houses - it is part of building a collegial atmosphere but it's very clear it's not the overture to a family friendship and there's no possibility of us all deciding to go camping together. The boundaries are subtle but clear to all involved (as they seem to be to the OP as well).

I'm the SAHP - honestly I ma furious on your behalf. Quite frankly I think he should suck all of it up - after all its your job which allows him to be a SAHP. But the fact he is refusing to allow you to take the kids...wow - I foresee more problems with this man in the future unfortunately. Is he jealous of your boss? I can not see why he would care whether the kids are going or not.

Quite recently went to for a Sunday lunch with my DH’s boss and his family. We had a lovely time. Why assume it will be dull or boring.

Quite. It’s not work. Work is work. My eyes roll so much when I see that crap being churned out.

Thank goodness you've said this. I guess daytime MN is inevitably dominated by the antisocial/ introverted people who don't talk to neighbours, don't answer a knock on their front door and don't have lunch with anyone but their closest relatives. Most of the rest of us are off doing something interesting.

I'm wfh today but the project I was due to be working on has been delayed and so I'm twiddling my thumbs this morning.

OP, have only read your responses — not time to read all contributions — but several things strike me:
First, that your DH is at home all day while the children are at school but from what you say doesn't do much housework, leaving you to do most of it. Which isn't anyone's idea of a fair and equitable way of sharing responsibilities — and it's not being sexist to say so, it's just being accurate.
Second that occasionally, as adults, we have to do things we'd rather not do because... well, various reasons but sometimes the way the world works requires us to do so. This is one of those times and a supportive spouse would be prepared to at least consider going and making the best of the situation. It sounds as if it'll be a relatively short event and something the children might enjoy. One might wonder why your DH is behaving like a teenage boy and refusing point blank to go. He is, after all, reaping the rewards of your good relationship with your boss. Is this the way he exerts his power — in a negative way, not doing the housework, sniping at your work and your boss?
Thirdly, I think that exposing children to all sorts of events and circumstances in a positive way helps build confidence and flexibility in later life. Taking them along, expecting a certain level of behaviour from them, having them comfortable meeting new people (not sure if they will have met everyone there before) and having lunch will be a good thing for them.
Fourthly, have you considered the possibility that your unemployed DH may be struggling with his self-esteem and one of his reasons for not wanting to go, and writing off your boss as 'fake', is that he doesn't want to spend his time around men with successful careers? I had an aunt whose husband came from an ordinary background but rose to the top in one of the big oil companies in the 1980s. She refused to be involved in any corporate events or even to meet his colleagues because of her social anxiety. I think when one side of a partnership gets stuck in negativity and a 'can't do/ won't do' position it can make a marriage very difficult.

Good luck with your career. Wish I felt quite as positive about your marriage...

@Screenshotted

The MN introverts and antisocial misanthropes are all over this thread! How dare someone invite a family over for lunch?!

I know. What an outrageous imposition. Doesn’t she know families should live in a hermetically sealed family bubble?

I would find this behaviour very unattractive OP. I am sorry he behaves this way.

To be honest we both work, but my company is pretty much work happens in work time (officially organised events are always in the afternoon not after work or weekends)
My wife is in a more traditional company with after work and even weekends events in the past (bring your whole family to a holiday place/conference centre in the UK for the weekend)
I thought it was ridiculous especially the full weekend, I did go along with it but I do push my wife to have strong boundaries on not working in favour of having a relationship with our kids.
Obviously it's a balancing act between finances and the important parts of your life, but it's got to be thought through.
In the end I think it's unique to your family, you all get to decide together, and I'd probably go but find it awkward. If your partner has social issues or neurodiversity it could be even more awkward

The MN introverts and antisocial misanthropes are all over this thread! How dare someone invite a family over for lunch?!

That's why I put the last sentence. But saying that I was a sahm for two years and I feel I was lucky to be able to do that. It didn't enable my DH to have a big job it was just a job that enabled us to live in a council house with no holidays but things were different back in the day.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sah to school age children, (esp if the wohp is away a lot), provided that said sahp is pulling their weight. OP, yours doesn't seem to be. This particular issue aside, he sounds awful - manipulative, lazy. Wtf is he going all day while the kids are at school? He should be on top of the housework and laundry.

But take heed of the warning up thread about him being the default primary carer, should you divorce. If you are thinking along those lines, you really do need to get him in ft work first.

I'd tell my DH to do one if he wanted me to go to his bosses house for lunch on a weekend and I am in a very corporate role. That's my time, if they want to bond they can do it on company time.

It was an invitation not a command. And op thinks her children would enjoy it. Some people have bosses who are actually nice.

Perhaps it's just my interpretation then. I took it as the boss reaching out to develop a friendship, and the OP wanting to accept as she understands the advantages of being good friends with the boss. She hasn't mentioned any clients being present to network with, and if its only her and one other colleague included, not really a team building event, unless its a team of two of course!

Like it or not, getting to senior positions in organisations is partly about building relationships as well as the work you do

Why can't you build relationships at work, or at events in work time?

I think he’s being a knob tbh. He should suck it up and support you and your career.

Agreed. And why at a weekend? Why not do it one weekday, in WORK time?

My boss has a party at his house every so often. I potentially live nearer to him than anyone else in the team, but I've never gone.

I have zero desire to socialise with colleagues' partners, kids (or dogs).

I would not take my children to a work lunch, but then taking my children would do nothing to enhance my career 😂.

Good post.