To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

You know as well as I do that SAHP implies "I don't have a paid job outside the house because I am home caring for children." He isn't.

This! I’m really confused with the ‘works as a SAHP’ comment earlier.
I work in a paid job and parent…
Parent is the fun bit I chose. Work is the bit I have to do?

He should suck it up and go
I hate this entitled attitude that we all get to do only things we want to do
Part of being an adult is compromising and doing things for others, it's one bloody lunch
My ex H would only ever do social things he wanted to do, one of the reasons he is an ex

Who do you think is looking after the kids when they finish school, during the holidays and when they are ill?

I agree that he's lazy when it comes to housework and that's something the OP needs to address, but you are wrong to say he's not a sahp because the kids are at school.

In most industries, once you get to senior levels, relationships have a massive impact on your effectiveness and even more on your future prospects (because people want to work with known quantities they trust). A casual get together is an opportunity to develop your relationship without the pressure of a particular goal (e.g. performing on a project, presenting a proposal or interviewing for a position).

If this was just a casual get together with no pressure or anything why would it be beneficial or not on someone's career?

It is just to be lunch?

YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

Your DH is an arsehole and I'd be furious if I were you. If your children are at school, he's not a SAHP, he's just unemployed. Your hard work is enabling him to do nothing but 10% of the housework. Lazy bugger.

Sorry for the late reply. Funnily enough, we were out for dinner with former colleagues, now friends. Yes, we'e in the UK, London based, so both our workplaces are somewhat international but have plenty of UK natives.

It's a high stress profession with long hours, client development (socialising) and travel. The last thing people want is long team lunches, team-building away days, four day corporate retreats, black tie dinners with their office mates or awkward drinks after work when you want to get home, all of which adds up to more time away from family. The people we work with, for the most part, do seem to enjoy socialising and being able to bring their families when it feels appropriate. It could just be our workplaces, I suppose, but yes, by in large everyone seems to enjoy having partners and spouses invited to meet the people they work with day in and day out in a casual non-office environment.

It started because one year we had a summer party at our house and invited people from both workplaces. Everyone had a great time (apparently) because they stayed until about 3am, word spread into other departments and people kept stopping by in both our workplaces and asking if they could be invited next summer. I talked to a several people and asked if they thought it would be nice to invite spouses and partners and it was a universal yes. Our departments have grown, it's now a lot of people, so we make sure everyone gets at least one invite in the course of a year. If someone has young children, I'd try to invite them to a Saturday afternoon barbecue type thing so they can bring them.

No expectations or pressures, though - they're being judged at work on the quality of their work based on lots of metrics and feedback from many sources that have nothing to do with coming to a lunch or party. If there are some who would rather not, I would imagine on the 2 or 3 times a year they're invited to something, they're capable of saying no.

Adding: both DH and I enjoy socialising and hosting and bringing people together in what we hope is a relaxed, fun atmosphere, and people generally react very positively to that. I'm not sure Mumsnet is always representative of most people?

Are you in the UK?

they wanted a bit less separation between work and home.

Said no one ever.

I know! That's so bizarre. Surely the boss just pushes back and says no..there's more to life than work

I think its really weird your boss wants to meet your kids

That stood out for me, too. Why?!

feedback from our departments that they wanted a bit less separation between work and home

they wanted LESS separation between work and home?

The thing with invitations like these is that they might be nice, but equally might not be. It all depends on the boss, the dynamic at work etc. We are all judging based on our own experiences/colleagues. OP likes her boss and is viewing it positively but even she knows this will help with her career, and its not a thing that can be easily declined - it's not an invitation without consequence. Despite the dh being a lazy arse when it comes to housework, I really can see his pov in not wanting to get involved in this kind of work thing.

I'm struck by how so many people make the assumption that going out to lunch with people you don't know will be boring and hard work. It might be the most interesting or funniest experience you've had for months. If it's boring, you can always change the subject and liven things up. Boring people find things boring because they are boring people.

I suspect those thinking it’s an outrageous imposition are in relatively low level jobs, with set ‘hours’.

Nope. I'm a partner in a large law firm. I don't expect or want my employees to come to lunch with me and bring their children.

There's drawing sensible boundaries between work and home life and then there's digging bloody ginormous trenches.

Exactly.

It is quite startling how many people who post on MN seem unable to make conversation with people for a few hours over lunch - especially with dc there which gives everyone a very easy conversation starter.

My response isn’t intended to be rude to you, “Struggling with esteem , my arse”. He’s a lazy sod. I have NO patience with these navel-gazers and even less patience with their enablers.

I’m a SAHP, my DH has a very well paid job and I have not once been expected to do anything like this, Thank goodness. This hasn’t affected his career in any way. I’m shocked at some of these responses!

I'm often shocked on here how many posters take a nice, friendly invitation to a pleasant occasion as some sort of 'demand' or 'expectation'.
It is often seen on the wedding threads and seems to have spilled over on to this thread.
When dh comes home and says "Dave has invited some of us from work over for lunch on Sunday - you are invited, and the kids", my first thought is 'how nice'. It is nice to be invited to social occasions in my book. I enjoy meeting his colleagues and being able to put a face to a name. In terms of other partners, I start with the expectation that everyone I meet is nice, and assume that until proved otherwise.

I don't get this whole negativity about spending time with people you haven't met before. Why assume 'you have nothing in common', why not start from the assumption you might.

Absolutely if she did as little as he seems to do. Also the op thinks her children would enjoy it and is willing to take them on her own.
Neither i nor my DH ever had a job where this is a thing but if we did I hope we would be supportive of each others career.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Boss is cherry-picking the employees to invite to lunch. That is inviting sycophantic behaviour and it makes him a bit of a twat. Good bosses don't do that, they don't need to, they also know that it is bad for the workplace.

Alternatively, the boss is inviting all employees over at different times? Sunday lunch for some, evening drinks for others?

@Kartyb

There is an expectation to accept due to not wanting to offend. The power dynamics mean that turning down the invitation has disadvantages for OP.

Obviously I don't speak for all bosses, but I can say in our case that is absolutely not true. We started doing this years ago in response to feedback from our departments that they wanted a bit less separation between work and home. People are always free to say no - it's easy - just say you have a prior obligation/family event/whatever.

DH and I have both been to any number of these things for each other over the years, sometimes including kids and sometimes not, and actually 9 out of 10 times, they turn out to be pretty enjoyable, but we both like meeting new people and socialising. I could understand resentment if it was every week or even every month, but that doesn't sound like the case here. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a partner who was such a misanthrope he couldn't find a way to frame it as at least a potentially enjoyable afternoon.

Confession time: both DH and I have invited colleagues (including subordinate colleagues) to things. Sometimes dinners, sometimes larger parties, sometimes a mix of colleagues and friends. We're looking to cement team relationships and foster people having a good time while offering hospitality, not judging anyone on the perfections or imperfections of their nuclear family. We make it clear that spouses and partners are welcome but not mandatory.

Additionally, in our profession there's often a celebratory team dinner after a project finishes. Sometimes, when the clients are involved, they prefer it just be the team, but if it's up to one of us, we include spouses and partners in the invite.

It’s one weekend!

People are acting as if the boss has asked the DH to move in with her.

It's ridiculous isn't it!?! 😂😂