To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

I don’t enjoy work socials on any level, and agree with your husband that they usually have an ulterior motive BUT as the breadwinner, I’d probably expect him to suck it up this once.

Assuming it is to grease your career, I’d put my foot down this time. If it was to become a regular thing, then no, I wouldn’t not expect them to join in.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable to be honest.
I completely understand your position, but your husband does have some legitimate concerns over your work/home boundries.

I’d be so unattracted to DH rn.

He’s not a sulky teen. He’s an adult who can go to a dinner and have a good time. I’m an introvert but I would go to this sort of thing if it was important to my partner’s career and I’d make the best of it and enjoy myself.

I'm not career driven so probably have a different view but I'd have said 'thank you for the invitation but we have a strict no work policy on a weekend, family time is precious'.

If having to go for a pretentious lunch decides if you get a promotion or not then it proves what a load of ass kissing nonsense it is - if it was my business I'd want the person best suited to the job, not one who'll drop their family for the sake of a job where you'd be replaced tomorrow.

Exactly. The op benefits massively from him being a sahp so she can focus on her career.

How do you know he benefits?

I definitely think he should go, all of you, it’s not as if it happens frequently, this is the first invitation and so what if they have an ulterior motive, maybe they have you in mind for a promotion.
im assuming he, like any sahp, looks forward to his break at the weekend, but this is probably a one off and may benefit you all.

Does 'lunch with the boss' still happen? Feels like an American sitcom from the 1980s.

If he's in the 'wife' role, should he meekly comply, or assert his independence as a strong (wo)man? What would Mary Tyler Moore have done?

I’m an employer. I’ve routinely invited a couple of my employees over, with and without kids, to do social stuff. It’s because I like their company, or think the kids would get on. Not some bullshit corporate strings attached test. Your husband is being very weird about this. Take the kids if you think they’ll enjoy it, or don’t if they’re not those kinds of kids. Whatever.

He doesn’t have to go, he may even be detrimental to the visit. Your children should go though as she has a child too and they have been invited.

This, the fact you do all the housework and how he thinks he can tell you not to take the children is shocking and controlling! He sounds awful and I’d resent being the single earner

I do share your OH's concern about this trend towards the US model of "the company is your life" and think it should be resisted.
However I can also see that if this is a one-off and you feel happy to go along with it he should not be dictating whether the children can go. If you are happy they will enjoy themselves with the other children then that is fine.
Just leave him behind.

You are not being unreasonable.

However, your boss is being both unreasonable and unprofessional inviting you and your family to a social event outside office hours.

Your partner is right to point this out, but equally should probably suck it up and go.

Do you think your husband doesn't want to go for fear of being judged for being a sahp? I think it's great if that works for your family, but some people still hold to the old ways. Go, take the children.

I think it is definitely worth the argument.

Taking the kids is important, you've been invited as a family. It's U of him not to go, but not a battle worth having. The kids on the other hand...

If this expected of a SAHM then it should be expected of a SAHD. I suspect the SAHM version out counts the STAHD. Just saying.

But it IS pressure because you take it into the personal. It's when you might find out that someone supports Trump or is a racist or hates your pet cat or doesn't like kids or just doesn't agree with you on things such as whether people should drive SUVs or go on ski-ing holidays. All things that are far less likely to arise in a professional, civil relationship at work.

There are really good reasons for keeping a professional distance. Getting to know each other too well can be career limiting, not enhancing.

Sucking up to the boss and family at dinner (or Sunday lunch) feels very yesteryear to me.

Yes and I also work in a law firm. As I said above I have no interest in spending time with my colleagues' wider family and pets outside work hours.

I don't know my neighbours other than to say hello to and have the odd very superficial chat So I can't fall out with them.

My mum and her neighbours seem to know every detail of each other's lives and the drama! Oh my word.

So it's much better to have a civil and superficial relationship with one's colleagues and avoid drama and fallings out.

Is there any backstory? I.e. have you done many out of work stuff.
Usually nowt wrong with work and families socialising and really depends on the company. Obviously big corporate stuff is all about schmoozing and backstabbing or just plain train wreck for some.
Personally have nothing against work dos, show my face do some circuits and let the drinkers make tits of themselves. Same goes for the arse lickers. Find that the whole company know who they are and their tricks and game. Engage or avoid (should be a reality tv show)

I might go and take your DC. And then negotiate with DP him having the kids one time when say you want to see a friend.

It's your job go with your DC your DH should not interfere after all he should be happy to have a free day to do as he likes.

"You know as well as I do that SAHP implies "I don't have a paid job outside the house because I am home caring for children." He isn't."

He is though. Again, who do you think is looking after them when school finishes at 3.30? Or during the school holidays?
He's not doing his share of housework, which imo he should be picking up the majority of when the dc are at school, but he is doing the 'active' looking after of the dc.

Sorry I didn’t mean I do both at the same time!
I work whilst the kids are at school/wrap around care

Of course you would. 🙄

If you're actively parenting - ie looking after your child - during paid employee hours, you're doing something very wrong.

Your status as a parent is permanent, just like your status as a woman/daughter/sister/wife/cousin etc. But you're not parentING while you're working as an employee.

No comment on this DH though. I'm a "SAHM" to children old enough to look after themselves 80% of the time. I'm really a lady of leisure. I'm not mothering at all most of the time!