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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

362 replies

OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 19:51

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

OP posts:
Edingril · 22/08/2024 22:31

lazyarse123 · 22/08/2024 20:10

I would take the kids but DH would be made very aware that he is able to be a sahp precisely because of your job. Ungrateful twat. Not saying he doesn't bring anything valuable to your lives btw.

Edited

I can imagine the reverse 'my husband said I have to have lunch with his boss and we have to take the children' no way would that be acceptable on here

Candlesandmatches · 22/08/2024 22:25

At the level you are at these things are quite normal.
Personally I would go with DC. DH can be excused. Due to a prior appointment or whatever is an acceptable excuse.
Its not as it you are being asked to these every weekend. It’s good networking and good for your career.
It’s very unfortunate your DH won’t support you and come along. But as you say that is his choice.
But if the DC come they get to have fun, as you say. And you get to socialize a bit. In a situation with no family nearby that’s a nice thing to have occasionally.

Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 22:14

OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:48

OK I can see that... @Elsvieta
But I'm OK with him not going and I think I'll benefit from going so I will.
It's more about him telling me to not take the kids, which I don't understand?

Show quote history

It's not very clear to me from your post why he doesn't want you to take the kids - or why you do want to.

It doesn't seem to me like a healthy message to be giving the kids either, really - that's is somehow on them to impress people they don't work for on behalf of someone else. This sort of thing seems to me to promote that sort of corporate culture people have complained about for decades - that favours married people over single, straight over gay, parents over non-parents, people with a traditional home life over the less conventional. It's the sort of thing that you see in companies that talk a lot about "culture fit" when hiring - which always seems to mean they like hiring people who look just like them and live just like them and fit their idea of what family life should be and all that. I mean, if you do happen to fit the "heterosexual marriage and two cute kids" model, I can see why it might not bother you so much. But it's bad for other people - especially women. If your dh is volunteering to skip his hobby to be with the kids while you go, I'd say take him up on it.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 21:56

RawBloomers · 22/08/2024 21:43

It would be nice if he just sucked it up and went. That's what DH and I do for each other, though we both kind of hate these sorts of work obligations. But I don't think a spouse is obliged to.

But he seems quite resentful. Not just unsupportive but actually obstructive over this. Is he trying to sabotage your career? Does he dislike how hard you work or something? Want a simpler life with you around more?

I don't think he should get to veto the kids going, though I do think you should ask them if they want to go. These things are rarely anymore fun for the kids than for adult partners. You can just make up some childhood disease/injury/etc. closer to the time to explain all of them staying away.

@RawBloomers
I don't know if he is ressentful per se, but he doesn't like me going ti work dinners etc (which happen probably 3x a year + the Xmas work party)
I always go anyway, as a Senior Manager it would be strange not to (unless there's a reason of course such as kids being ill), but the he calls me at like 9 or 10pm pushing me to go home, for example. In his words if I have to go to the office next day I shouldn't be expected to be out for work late.
So yes you might be right about resentment, or a PP mentioned control...

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 22/08/2024 21:49

Spirallingdownwards · 22/08/2024 21:31

He doesn't get to say you can't take the kids. You just take them.

Also you then mentioned you might get a call to come back. Turn your phone off. The kids will be with you and he is an adult capable of sorting out a sudden emergency that just happens to occur when you are doing something he doesn't want you to do.

Edited

This

RawBloomers · 22/08/2024 21:43

It would be nice if he just sucked it up and went. That's what DH and I do for each other, though we both kind of hate these sorts of work obligations. But I don't think a spouse is obliged to.

But he seems quite resentful. Not just unsupportive but actually obstructive over this. Is he trying to sabotage your career? Does he dislike how hard you work or something? Want a simpler life with you around more?

I don't think he should get to veto the kids going, though I do think you should ask them if they want to go. These things are rarely anymore fun for the kids than for adult partners. You can just make up some childhood disease/injury/etc. closer to the time to explain all of them staying away.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/08/2024 21:31

He doesn't get to say you can't take the kids. You just take them.

Also you then mentioned you might get a call to come back. Turn your phone off. The kids will be with you and he is an adult capable of sorting out a sudden emergency that just happens to occur when you are doing something he doesn't want you to do.

NewName24 · 22/08/2024 21:23

I would be disappointed if he wouldn't support me on this rare occasion, but, ultimately I get it that if he is so childish to not be able to do something for his wife on this one occasion, that's on him, and part of who he is.
However he doesn't get to dictate that the dc can't go - especially as he is not even suggesting he looks after them so that you can go and have a nice lunch without him.

I've been to several of these sorts of lunches over nearly 3 decades. I think it is nice to put a face to names dh might mention for one reason or another to do with his day to day interactions.
Because we are married, dh sometimes comes to things where I have been invited and he is the 'plus 1', just as I have for him, because sometimes you do things for the person you love, even if you aren't too keen on the idea for yourself.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/08/2024 21:05

Of course he should come! Yes, it's fake, but it's networking related to your career, which directly supports the family.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 21:03

StormingNorman · 22/08/2024 20:56

What I don’t understand is that he said don’t take the kids and you got pissed off because you wanted them there.

Then he said take the kids and you got pissed off even more because you don’t want them there.

Are You really just pissed off that he passed on lunch to do his hobby and will be enjoying himself?

@StormingNorman
I didn't get pissed off at all. DH and I said let's discuss it again closer to the time knowing if his sport game will be on that day or not...
But because my boss invited us specifically for a "family lunch", I am not thrilled about having to come up with a reason for going totally alone (I think saying my DH didn't fancy coming and told me to leave the kids sounds a bit rude).
I will go alone, though, if needs be - I don't think this is worth any argument with DH.
But I wish he would "take the hit", per se, to go as a family in support of me graciously accepting my Boss invite for a small family lunch and I wanted to see other people's thoughts.
I can see its very divisive, so probably a matter of perspective to each person.
ETA: He never said take the kids. He said he wouldn't go and I said that's OK, I'll go with the kids, and he said no, without the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:56

StormingNorman · 22/08/2024 20:51

I think you mean he works as a SAHP.

You’re welcome.

Show quote history

Yes, sorry, well put.
PP asks if he works, hence my answer. But yes, I sgould have just said he is a SAHP wihlthout the first sentence, which I would hTe if the roles are reversed
(although I still do 90% on Housework God knows how, he does most childcare during the week)

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 22/08/2024 20:56

What I don’t understand is that he said don’t take the kids and you got pissed off because you wanted them there.

Then he said take the kids and you got pissed off even more because you don’t want them there.

Are You really just pissed off that he passed on lunch to do his hobby and will be enjoying himself?

EC22 · 22/08/2024 20:53

I wouldn’t ask this of my husband. Couldn’t think of much worse ways to spend a weekend.

StormingNorman · 22/08/2024 20:51

OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 19:55

He doesn't work, he is a SAHP

Show quote history

I think you mean he works as a SAHP.

You’re welcome.

OlPackingTape · 22/08/2024 20:51

Baffled by people acting as if a lunch invitation is some sort of imposition.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:48

Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 20:23

What is this, Mad Men? There's no reason at all for your spouse or kids to be meeting your boss, ever. If the sexes were reversed everyone on here would be spitting feathers about it.

You work for this company; your husband does not. They have no standing whatsoever to take up a single minute of his time.

OK I can see that... @Elsvieta
But I'm OK with him not going and I think I'll benefit from going so I will.
It's more about him telling me to not take the kids, which I don't understand?

OP posts:
SoWhat21 · 22/08/2024 20:28

I’ve been the SAHP/ lesser earning partner in this situation and have always played ball when it came to these sort of things. DH has built a successful career that allowed us to create a comfortable life and part of that was participating in social situations neither of us would have naturally gravitated towards.
It’s part of career building and when I was the main carer parent I saw it as part of my role to chip in with that if I could. I’m in a senior corporate job now and while there has been no call (yet) for my husband to reciprocate I would fully expect him to. We are a team. And what advance any career is in both our interests

Elsvieta · 22/08/2024 20:23

What is this, Mad Men? There's no reason at all for your spouse or kids to be meeting your boss, ever. If the sexes were reversed everyone on here would be spitting feathers about it.

You work for this company; your husband does not. They have no standing whatsoever to take up a single minute of his time.

Original poster
OopsyDaisie · 22/08/2024 20:16

Rewis · 22/08/2024 20:14

I'd say smooching your boss is part of his job as a sahp. Sure, there might be ulterior motives to this invite but so what. It pays for everything for your family so you play the game and play the part. If he's unable to make it, fine. But he can't decide if the kids attend since he doesn't really have a reason to forbid them from coming with you.

Is his goal for you not to attend? If so, why?

I totally agree with you, but he never had a corporate job, so doesn't understand this need, or doesn't agree to it (which fair enough, he is allowed to think differently...)
but the last question : I'm asking myself the same question... if I don't take the kids, will I get a call to come back homr early due to whatever reason?

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 22/08/2024 20:16

I'd be seriously unimpressed with this behaviour from DH. Work involves doing things we don't want to some of the time. He can step up. And he has no right to dictate about your children.

Rewis · 22/08/2024 20:14

I'd say smooching your boss is part of his job as a sahp. Sure, there might be ulterior motives to this invite but so what. It pays for everything for your family so you play the game and play the part. If he's unable to make it, fine. But he can't decide if the kids attend since he doesn't really have a reason to forbid them from coming with you.

Is his goal for you not to attend? If so, why?

LlynTegid · 22/08/2024 20:13

I'd make any excuse not to go, with or without family. Not just weekend time being precious.

IKnowAristotle · 22/08/2024 20:13

I expect my husband to come to events that are important to my career and I would do the same for him. Yes, it's always boring for the partner but needs must.

Pandasnacks · 22/08/2024 20:12

This is a fight worth picking, they are your children too, take them where you want. Why are you letting him dictate that you can't take your own children for a lunch they will enjoy? It's 100% control

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 22/08/2024 20:12

Take the dc.. As per the invite. Why wouldn't you? That twat doesn't get to decide. It isn't his job /boss /invite...