To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

I would and have expected my DH to come to something like this. In my work this kind of thing would be rare but definitely a possibility, in fact he came to a colleague's wedding recently. I would feel incredibly embarrassed saying he's playing sports, I'd have to say he was unexpectedly ill. Definitely take the kids, and if you can't make him understand the benefits to your career, maybe try to get him to see it as a free lunch and chance for your kids to play somewhere new with new kids for a bit of a change.
I'm wondering if on some level he resents you being the breadwinner and thinks others will ask 'and what do you do?' as people always do at such events. Does he harbour some unhappiness at not having a career, or at being the SAHP?

Your husband sounds a dick, why does he get to tell you what to do regarding the kids.

tell him your going and so are they. You’d like his support but will give his excuses if he doesn’t come but I would heavily remind him he Cana be a SAHP because of your job and perhaps suggest it’s time he got one!

Comments like this show ignorance of how these jobs work. With jobs at this level you are expected to sometimes do some networking outside your scheduled work hours.

It absolutely shouldn’t be every weekend, it should be rare. But refusing to do it ever just makes you look antisocial and a bit of a drama queen.

I can understand that this isn’t going to appeal much to your DP but every now and then you have to suck this up. He stands to benefit directly from it and needs to grow up and show a bit of good grace.

I am wally sorry to say this but if your career allows your family the luxury of a SAHP then he needs to acknowledge that he bears some responsibility for tournament aspirations too. If your career flounders because he doesn’t play his part, what happens then? If heather we like it or not corporate careers include the networking element and he needs to do his bit. The more you write, the more controlling he begins to sound. He seems to like the income but not want to do his bit and begins to sound rather jealous, sorry.

Personally, I'd be thinking take the kids and the husband as per invite, it's rude not to and it's a nice thing to be asked. The husband can back out if he wants but it wasn't a huge imposition so I think that's a bit rubbish. You get on well with your boss, enough to know kids birthdays etc. You like them and have a meaningful relationship with them. It's just lunch. But if I were the other single employee I'd end up feeling very 3rd wheeling as the kids & family life are a natural talking point at these things.

I am of the camp that your work colleagues are people you spend huge amounts of time with and if you care about your work, they are people that share the same commitment to the same cause and you're likely to get on with them personally. While I'm conscious relationships are firstly professional, they can also be friends. Including bosses. Being self-aware of the strategic element is important - it can be an advantage but also alienate you from other colleagues. But it doesn't mean it shouldn't happen, and if you get on well, then that's great and you should enjoy your lunch!

These social things are important for the group cohesion at work. Go. Take children. I would ask the husband to go to and expect him to BEHAVE. If Boss has small kids he’ll be used to spilled sippy cups and crying about a toy, but there’s nothing worse than a sulking spouse.

Surely the fact you asked him to go initially would have been enough to go, in order to support you.. it’s one day (less really, it’s a few hours!) and it’s something that you have decided it’s important to you, even if other people would rather not do it..

and now if you’ve decided to take the kids he has no say in that - you’re their parent too, take them if you want to! It’s actually nice for them to engage with people they don’t see that often, in a different environment and can only help with their social skills too.

enjoy the lunch whatever you decide!

My husband works for a company that likes to think it's all a big family, and often does whole family dinners and 'fun' weekend activities, and a big Christmas do every year. Like any sane person I loathe these events down to the very depths of my soul. I also realise that unfortunately for us, they are a part of my husband's job and so I stick on a smile, make a quiche for the shared lunch, and go along to make small talk with Cheryl from accounts.

Nothing to do with him being the 'breadwinner'. We both work full-time, and we both support each other because otherwise, what's the point in being married? For him, that means helping me clean and set up my classroom every summer (and a lot of bonus weekend laminating). For me, that means going to his wanky team events with good grace.

Ugh, such unattractive behaviour.

He resents you working & is trying to control you via emotional blackmail. Not very grown up or adult at all. And shows you how much you really need him (not).

Yes, fair enough. Tbh I was being more critical of the man not supporting his wife. I was expecting to get flamed (MN-Speak 😊) for saying stay at home dads make my toes curl. Fills me rage and prejudice and I’m not sure why!

My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).

Your DH is being a selfish dick. If the roles were reversed, he'd be the first to impress upon you the "duty" you have to support him as breadwinner. THis is him demonstrating he doesn't like not being the main earner, and tring to exert his power.

But ...

I think you should just shrug and go, without him, if that is his choice. All his stubbornness is doing is demonstrating how much you don't need him.

i think this is a shame that he has said no,
it is a family invitation

Take the kids not him. Enjoy the invite and make a mental note.

It’s not a ‘work event’ but a potentially lovely lunch albeit with work colleagues and their families. If you get on with these people no reason why it can’t be really nice thing to do. And getting to know one another is good for the work context too, depending on what you do. Your DH is being childish and unsupportive to blanketly dismiss the lunch

I agree. What is wrong with him, does he feel inferior in some way? He is certainly defensive.

Does your invitation include your children (I assume so as your 'boss' has young children). If so I would go without husband if necessary but it is a shame that he won't put himself out on this occasion. There is no reason for him to feel awkward and he needs to get rid of that chip.

It's quite normal every so often for management to arrange something nice for their colleagues, and there is no need to read any more than that into the invitation.

To offer another perspective...

I think all the talk of him seeking control os a bit unfair tbh. For some (lots of?) men, being supported by a female breadwinner can feel emasculating, and being in an environment which is essentially male dominated (the corporate world) whilst playing a traditionally female role as a SAHP might feel more uncomfortable than he wants to admit. He will be dreading questions of "so what do you do?" And having to pay tribute to how hard you work - it's a bit of an ego dent!

I'm not saying I agree with any of these feelings btw, but wouldn't jump to him being difficult or controlling without considering that he might be feeling something he doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to, explain. Me and my husband are in similar roles and he's quite open about how he feels judged by society for not being the traditional male breadwinner type.

Telling you not to take the children isn't great, I wonder if he feels like they are being wheeled out as trophies to schmooze your boss? But if it's important to you, and you genuinely think your children will enjoy it, just say that and take them anyway.

Or he could just feel that your boss doesn't get to decide whay you do on your free time. Rectify: your boss doesn't get to decide what DH and DC do. I think some workplaces exaggerate with "let's all be friends and hang out" and maybe your DH feels protective about your free time. Sahm here. I would happily tell my DH to go socializing with your boss but don't count on me. Hell would freeze before he'd propose to take the DC with him though 😄 our eldest ASD can be really inappropriate and we need him to keep his job...

Your faux outrage is hilarious! Welcome to the world of a career/profession, where socialising with work colleagues/managers is perfectly acceptable,noften pleasant, and not always an ulterior motive

That's one of the most pathetic and nasty PPs in quite some time. Presumably you have no idea about work/career/social life mix.
'Assessing the family'...ffs that sounds so ignorant, it is ignorant

I didn't see it as not being supportive when I refused to go after the first time. I saw the whole thing as fake and acting which was exhausting.
Happy for DH and the kids to go (they don't want to either) but I'm not spending my free time trying to impress DHs boss.

This. I'm quite surprised at all the people who think it's outrageous. The boys is trying to build relationships, these sort of events do help you progress. If your DC are a similar age, I would definitely take them. It's unfortunate that DH can't appreciate the potential benefit. Both DH and I would do this kind of event due each other even if we didn't enjoy it.

At such events you try to find something in common, or at least be able to have a conversation about topical issues with a stranger/s

Is he resentful about being a SAHP or does he enjoy it?

His behaviour seems off to me and it feels like he either he doesn't enjoy being a SAHP or hes being a massive arsehole.

Did / does he actually want to be a SAHP or could it be that he feels pushed into this role as your wage covers more than his and he's acting this way out of resentment.

I say this as someone who was a SAHP for 2 years and despite loving my children to the bones being a SAHM was not for me. It got to the point I resented the fact my husband got to have adult conversation and I would go days without them sometimes.

If I suggested a part time job the outcome was always fine but if the children are ill it's down to you to cover because you're not the main wage earner which ultimately left me feeling trapped and resentful and I probably would've been a dick about then being dragged to events.

So I'm wondering was it a happy choice to be a SAHP or was it more of a financial decision that he wasn't 100% on board with.

Or even was he initially completely on board with but now the reality had set in he is no longer happy with the status quo and feels trapped and is using this as a way to express that

If this is the case I don't think he's gone about it in the best way but he is not BU

Or

Is he the one that pushed to be a SAHP because rightly or wrongly I do feel that if he pushed for this and to be the SAHP while you worked then that does come with some expectation on his part.

If he wants to be a SAHP and wants you to cover all the life expenses when in actual fact life would be easier if you both worked then I think once a year he needs to suck it up put a smile on his face and do the lunch date. It's not like it's every week.

The fact you're working full time, and are then expected to do the majority of the chores and aren't getting support from him with your career 3 times a year because it will interfere with his sport while he's also causing you issues when you do go on these rare days out to me either shows someone who is massively resentful or a massive piss taker.

I think this incident is end result of a bigger picture that you need to get to the bottom of.

Maybe DH is a little uncomfortable being a man without a paid job in this situation? Perhaps he thinks he’ll be looked down on? Not saying that he’s right to feel that way but house husbands are not the social norm?

I wonder if he is struggling with esteem being a SAHP; some people struggle with being asked "what do you do for work?" in these kind of scenarios. Not taking the children is weird though, there's no reason not to if all the kids are similar age. I'm good friends with some long term colleagues though, so could be that's why I see it as a truly friendly invite rather than just work.