To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

I think he should suck it up, I’ve also been to pointless social events as the wife, it’s part of being in senior management. If I’m happy to not have to work anymore and happy to share the generous bonus then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to attend the odd boring dinner with people I don’t know.

as it happens I’ve managed to gain two very good friends out of these invitations and we meet a couple of times a year now through choice.

Ususally the Stay at Home Mother is praised for being the only reason the working father can do his job.

It doesn't seem to me like a healthy message to be giving the kids either, really - that's is somehow on them to impress people they don't work for on behalf of someone else. This sort of thing seems to me to promote that sort of corporate culture people have complained about for decades - that favours married people over single, straight over gay, parents over non-parents, people with a traditional home life over the less conventional.

My two DC had a lovely time at a BBQ at my Boss's house yesterday running around the garden, playing with her dogs and the children of another colleague. They didn't feel any pressure to "impress" anyone on my behalf, that would only be the case if I gave them that message, which as a responsible parent I never would.

Oh and my Boss is gay (and divorced), one colleague who attended is single and childfree and the other is a single Mum who has kids from two previous relationships so I don't think it was anything to do with promoting a "traditional" home life. I'm sure that culture exists in some workplaces but some people genuinely like the people they work with, and just enjoy hosting and being together in a more informal setting. I don't think there always has to be an ulterior motive and the idea that socialising as a family with work colleagues is inherently damaging to children seems way over the top.

Bit of a double standard there. Usually on MN , SAHMs are lauded to the skies because it's only by their efforts that their working husbands can go to work.

'Parading in front of your boss...' 🤣
Clearly we will not agree on this, I see nothing wrong with work socialising whether with a subordinate, boss, or colleague. But then again, I've enjoyed my varied career, have taken advantage of the opportunities afforded me both during 'office hours' and outside working hours, taken the shit with the praise, and accepted that in order to thrive at work, one doesn't just turn up, do the job, and piss off home.
Fortunately, most people in such careers, where socialising is important, have spouses/families that understand. Most employers don't take the piss in requiring/forcing people to take part. And in the OPs case, this is a regular occurance and she is happy to do so.
Obviously you hate this aspect of work life, but don't assume it is sinister, that's just daft

@OopsyDaisie i agree with pp take the kids and turn phone off . What are the chances of an emergency .
You would know fine well why he is calling .

Tell your dh the controling stops now. .Also that it’s time to find ANY job around the kids as you are sick of doing everything .

It’s totally sabotage that’s what he is up to .
He also sounds like a spoilt child . You should tell him it’s not attractive

There is an awful lot of sexism on this thread and if the genders were reversed I doubt everyone would be saying the spouse is lazy and needs to get a job. I know several women who are sahp’s to school age children and they don’t clean either as they have paid cleaners. No-one as far as I know has ever accused them as being lazy or thought they should get a job.

If that happens ignore it. Isn't he the sahd? He can cope perfectly well.

Personally I'd sooner not go to something like that but I do like my colleagues (mostly) so it wouldn't be totally dreadful.

This .

TOtaly an argument worth fighting .

Nothing faux about it - I really do find it outrageous, and my point is that it SHOULDN'T be acceptable. Nice for you if you have the kind of partner / family / home life you don't mind parading in front of your boss and a partner who will agree to it and then perform in the right way, but that's exactly why you don't see how it's discriminatory against those that don't. Obviously you're being judged - you're just OK with it because you think you're passing the test.

Anyway, don't these people have friends? Do they really need to make their subordinates cosplay it?

So he’s not a SAHP is he? He’s a cocklodger. He does barely any housework, some childcare but the kids are in school so there’s no reason he can’t work. He’s just lazy, and to top it all off when you go out he rings you at 9pm demanding you come home!! What an absolute arsehole.
Honestly you need to have a serious conversation here, he doesn’t support your job, but also doesn’t even have his own. I can see why he doesn’t want to go. ‘Hi Brian. What do you do?’ ‘Nothing, I’m too fucking lazy to get a job’

If dh choses not to attend meal you accept that otherwise he’ll potentially sabotage or disrupt. However you should take the children if they’ll be ok and there are others to play with

you are right to hope partner to be supportive of career and if required be affable & engaged at an event that is beneficial to you and your family

WTF? 90% as a FT worker, when there’s a SAHP?

Tell him to find a full time job, not self-employed. The children are at school so don't need a SAHP!!!

Just seen your update @OopsyDaisie
If both kids are at school, what's he doing as a SAHP exactly?

Buy why should his "success" have anything whatsoever to do with whether his boss likes his wife, or whether he HAS a wife? (Employer discrimination in favour of "family men" is still a thing). It's so retrograde.

His family / friends is totally different.

God, what an arsehole! This has really annoyed me. How hard is it to go to a lunch and make small talk for a couple of hours? You’ve got the kids as well as a distraction/reason to leave when you’ve had enough.

Fuck me, I’d be having strong words and explaining that we all have to do things we don’t particularly want to do at times so frankly he needs to suck it up and play the part. Prick. Of course he can’t go to do his hobby instead. You are being far too nice OP.

DH is on the board in his job. When we’re invited to these types of events, I go, and am sociable with people, because this is part of networking in his career. It is what it is. It’s maybe once a year, so I support him. After all, the whole family benefits from the financial gain. I had a family invite on one occasion at my job, and DH supported me then. Your DH needs to grow up and understand that these relationships within your organisation are important. He should be supporting you.

Your DH really is kicking up a fuss over nothing. It's not like he gets constant invitations to your boss' house, it's a one off. Why can't he just come and support you?

He sounds hard work, especially dictating to you that kids can't come, when there will be other kids their age to play with. So they will have fun and he will have more time to himself (if he didn't come).

You also said he doesn't like you attending work events. Why not?
Sounds like he is resentful of your career or perhaps the fact you are the sole breadwinner.

He's controlling you. Loves having you pay for everything whilst he sits at home and orders you about.

It's time for him to go back to work so he can pay for half the bills and pay for his own hobbies, especially as you still do 90% of the housework. If the children are school age or at least 3 and in Nursery then he definitely needs to go back to work. Mine went to Nursery part time from just turned 1.

As you say these work dos are 4x a year they are normal things in most corporates. It is your job, and your family’s livelihood, he has skin in the game. But I get you want to pick your fights. However, your job, your colleagues that you like, your kids - there is not fight here just do it.
Ask your DH what his real problem is, it is not taking kids to a colleagues house for a do!

I have been to lunch/dinner with my husband’s boss a few times. No it’s not my favourite thing but I do it without hesitation to support him.

I think your husband should want to be supporting you too. But if he can’t then at least let the kids enjoy themselves.