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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does your dh let you choose decor?

363 replies

sunnymountains · 22/08/2024 17:18

From bed covers to wall paint, furniture, curtains, cushions dh will choose the lot and with no pink or anything remotely feminine everything is blue or very male looking.
I grew up with my mum mainly choosing the home furnishings but then my dad had no interest in anything like that so was happy to leave her to it and wouldn't have noticed anything different anyway.
I do think it's nice he takes an interest but I'd like some input, every room in our house is blue and masculine looking and as a woman I'd like some of my own touches.
Is this a bit unusual?

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 22/08/2024 21:03

We choose it together. Isn’t that what everyone does?

luckylavender · 22/08/2024 20:59

Let me?

WigglyVonWaggly · 22/08/2024 20:58

There’s no way I’d put up with this, OP. Fine if he’s an interior designer and he’s turned your home into a dream, but everything is manly, the same colour and a mirror of his own taste. Does he realise his taste is uninspiring, repetitive and doesn’t reflect the input / taste of both of two adults who share the home? If so, why doesn’t he care? It’s selfish and very controlling for him to feel entitled to have the final say on every bit of your home’s interior. Never mind the food and holidays etc.

spikeandbuffy24 · 22/08/2024 20:57

SeriouslyStressed · 22/08/2024 20:31

This thread title is why I am happily single

And me
I'm too stubborn for that. My dad said once if someone told me not to do something I would do it twice just to be awkward

Papyrophile · 22/08/2024 20:53

Big projects (kitchens or bathrooms) and expensive items (like sofas) we are agreed that we must both like. I am more visual so I tend to do the research, moodboards and the shopping plan. It does help that we both lean to neutral and sculptural. I generally choose colours, and he buys display artifacts.

KreedKafer · 22/08/2024 20:52

sunnymountains · 22/08/2024 19:25

Just buy things like bedding and put it on the bed. Is he really going to strip it off and take it back??

I have in the past and he'll just say what's that? Why have you bought that's it's horrible, where's the receipt and if I haven't got it he'll be cross it was a waste of money then so would take it off and refuse to sleep in it.
We always buy what he wants for dinner and going out is me suggesting a list of things until I get a yes.
I didn't realise until I read it all just how it all sounds.
Holidays are the same we go where he wants and do what he wants but even after a lifetime of appeasing he's still not a happy man.
I definitely have some thinking to do.

OP, this is no way to live. He’s horrible.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/08/2024 20:51

LTB seriously. Couldn't with someone as controlling as this.

Tralalaka · 22/08/2024 20:50

The question is more: do I let DP choose decor? He doesn’t have much interest but we are having a bespoke wall unit built and he is very involved in the logistics of the height of the bottom shelves so that we can fit a ridiculously sized tv and the sky box in it. Other than that his interest is zero unless it relates to the shed, barbeque and rather randomly the Christmas tree and fairy lights

Dinosweetpea · 22/08/2024 20:47

Isseywith3witchycats · 22/08/2024 17:22

My OH and i go together and between us choose things we both like if one of us says no then we look till we find one that we both like

This!
Your DH is a bully.

AnnaCBi · 22/08/2024 20:42

I’d buy small things like vases and cushions and ask him if he likes it (always does!). I’d probably mention I was planning to buy new bedding or a mirror and ask if he thought it was a good idea etc. big purchases (carpets, furniture etc) do the research and present options that we look at and them together, we both have a veto etc. he does trust my judgement though and will go along with a bold choice if I’m keen. He’s more interested in dimensions etc.

SeriouslyStressed · 22/08/2024 20:31

This thread title is why I am happily single

Gagaandgag · 22/08/2024 20:21

Well done for taking the first step and coming here op!

Dressinggowntime · 22/08/2024 20:10

Yes he won’t get involved at all but then will whinge if he doesn’t like it

Thinkingabouttherapy · 22/08/2024 20:09

What is his parents’ relationship like?

Thepossibility · 22/08/2024 20:08

He trusts my taste more than his own but I do try to make gender neutral choices, eg not too floral. Your DP just sounds like a controlling twat though.

Choochoo21 · 22/08/2024 20:07

nextdoornightmares · 22/08/2024 19:53

What on earth would this have to do with it??

Show quote history

SAHPs typically have even less rights in a controlling relationship than working women do.

Many abusive/controlling men like their DPs to be SAHMs, so they have less financial independence and less friends/work friends to help them.

Choochoo21 · 22/08/2024 20:04

EI12 · 22/08/2024 19:42

Very strange comments - what do you mean 'lets you'? I think everything in marriage is about 'letting the other person' or not. I don't let my dh smoke because I was open I am not going to look after him when he is crippled because of smoking when old. My husband does not let me do my favourite sport, for the same reason - no elderly person wants to push the other elderly person in a wheelchair just because they had a dodgy sporting hobby or smoked. He does not let me wear my favourite fur (he is vegetarian) and I don't let him go fishing in dodgy countries. About your decor - just leave it - reading about so many MN dilemmas relating to husbands - STIs, mistresses, co-sharing beds with children, going to bed in unwashed chef's uniform, regularly cheating, hating in-laws and being effectively cock-lodgers, why are you even bothered about decor?????

You’ve got to be joking surely!

Your partner should never tell you what you’re allowed to do.
They can give an opinion and set their own boundaries but they cannot tell you what you can and can’t do.

As a grown adult you do what you want and it’s up to your partner to decide whether it’s the relationship for them or not.

Sounds like you both have mummy/daddy issues and try and treat each other like children.

Original poster
sunnymountains · 22/08/2024 20:04

LostGardens · 22/08/2024 19:42

Are you a SAHM?

I'm not a SAHM but I do work less than he does and he earns more but that's just for convenience with small children, I will be increasing my hours soon.

OP posts:
RedVanYellowVan · 22/08/2024 20:02

Aww, OP, I guess it is very hard with so many replies pointing out what a controlling arsehole he is. You are right, you deserve the freedom to choose your own decor and lifestyle. Good luck with leaving him, I hope it goes safely and well.

🌸🌸🌸 Pink flowers to start you off!

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2024 20:02

What would happen if you told him to fuck off and that it's your house too?

The longer you stay the more your children are learning this is how men treat women.

Charlize43 · 22/08/2024 20:01

This sounds like some form of coercive colour control so it is understandable that you are feeling blue (as most of your surroundings are, no seriously).

Leave satsumas, mandarins or oranges (of the big Jaffa type) lying around as a subversive act of rebellion. You'll find as well that orange being at the opposite end of the colour spectrum to blue, may also work as some sort of nonsensical antidote... or at least give you cause to snigger about as it throws him off...

nextdoornightmares · 22/08/2024 20:00

LostGardens · 22/08/2024 19:59

I am wondering if he has control of the finances, as he seems to control everything else.

Show quote history

Oh probably. He sounds like an arsehole anyway.

LostGardens · 22/08/2024 19:59

nextdoornightmares · 22/08/2024 19:53

What on earth would this have to do with it??

Show quote history

I am wondering if he has control of the finances, as he seems to control everything else.

Original poster
sunnymountains · 22/08/2024 19:54

Cattenberg · 22/08/2024 19:39

I agree that your latest update is chilling. A deeply controlling, selfish man who is never happy. Has this behaviour gradually escalated? Unfortunately, men like this can turn out to be dangerous. I would get advice from the Police and Women’s Aid, but whatever you do, don’t let him find out that you’ve done this.

Strangely when I met him he was quite the opposite, a very quiet and timid guy with very little confidence, eventually he came out of his shell and over the years has taken quite a u turn very gradually that he's far from the man I met and married.
I didn't expect him to change this much but I have to leave for my children and so I can regain some freedom and make decisions again.
I should have seen it sooner.

OP posts:
nextdoornightmares · 22/08/2024 19:53

LostGardens · 22/08/2024 19:42

Are you a SAHM?

What on earth would this have to do with it??

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