Does your dh let you choose decor?

Don’t feel bad for not seeing it sooner. That must have been a very confusing change, and when someone changes gradually, it’s hard to draw the line, especially if they seem convinced that you’re the one in the wrong.

I expect the previous timidity and the controlling behaviour both come from a deep-rooted sense of insecurity, but you can’t fix him. No amount of appeasement will satisfy him as the problem is him, not you.

I think you’re right to leave him for the sake of you and your children - treading on eggshells is no way to live. Your children are bound to want to assert their individuality as they grow up. I would definitely get professional advice before leaving though, as controlling men can take the news very badly.

It's never been a case of choosing one person's style over another. We like the same things. I generally pick items out and prefer that gives me free rein. If he objected to an item I wouldn't buy it. It's never happened though.

It's a joint decision, but my husband does have a better "eye" than me, so I often end up agreeing with him! But nobody "lets" the other one do something.... that's not how it works.

We Don’t LET each other do things, bizarre phrasing.

We have fairly similar taste and generally choose things together. If one has strong feelings and the other doesn’t mind then we’ll go with the strong feeling.

eg I quite like cushions and would have several if I was choosing alone, but DH hates cushions with a passion so we don’t have them.
I love a particular kitchenware brand but he’s not bothered about kitchenware, so we go with my choice.
bedding we have to agree as we both use it every night.

OP, I found that soul destroying. My ex' house was 11 rooms of brown polyester carpet, white walls and dark furniture. All pretty tatty and old.

I assumed he wasn't interested and set about updating it when I moved in. Consulted him, and he refused for anything to be changed, even a lampshade.

I couldn't bear it. It was so depressing. I hadn't realised creative freedom was so important to me.

Now I live in a house with a grey, turquoise and white kitchen. I have orange chairs. Lots of sunshine and space. No man is worth being gloomy for. 🙂

I do most of the choosing. DH isn't particularly interested. But if he does express an opinion then I know he feels strongly about it. So it's incorporated. I get what I want the majority of the time, so when he feels strongly he gets it.

Big things we choose together and it's got to be two yes's, one no will stop it.

I think that's probably generally the way in most healthy relationships. Either entirely together or one isn't bothered so the other does it.

Joint decision every time. Takes ages to find a mutually agreeable scheme, but then we keep it for years.

Let?! LET?! There's no 'let' about it!

I usually come up with the ideas and discuss them with DH. If he has any objections we come up with another idea or compromise. If there's anything he particularly wants he tells me and we discuss it. The decor in every room bar one has basically been chosen by me and he always says afterwards that I was right (we don't have anything that he objects to). The only room in which I have had no input at all is his bedroom (we each have our own room) and he has chosen everything in there. So it is jungle themed.... It isn't to my taste but it doesn't have to be.

Ideally decor choices should be made by both of you or, at least, you should both have some input.

Then you’re married to a wanker. Does he control every aspect of your life?

We choose stuff together. Sometimes one of us is more keen on something than the other but we are able to compromise usually. Our bedroom curtains are definitely not what my DH would have chosen but he loves them now they are up.

OP your DH is being very controlling if you have absolutely no say in how your home is decorated and furnished.

Let Women's aid guide you and good legal advice.
Planning carefully, safety first always.

My DP is generally not that interested in the decor so I do what I want. With the bigger things (furniture, painting) will tell him in advance but usually met with a ‘do what makes you happy’. However, if he was interested I’d expect to sit down and discuss and agree together what we both wanted, I’d be pretty annoyed with your DH’s approach.

If we both live in a place, why would we not choose jointly

'Let' good grief you are not a child

What a thoroughly tone deaf comment. The decor thing is the tip of the iceberg in this situation. This is not a remotely equal partnership, this is a bully and control freak making damn sure his wife and family bend to his every whim. Men like this are impossible to keep happy. Even when you tie yourself in miserable knots trying. To insinuate that what the OP is describing is any kind of normal marriage is ludicrous at best and gaslighting at worst.

This sounds deeply concerning, OP. This latest update makes it all sound far too into 'Sleeping with the Enemy' territory for comfort.

It's not a clash of personal tastes that's the issue here. It's the element of control. There's no room for compromise here whatsoever.

My DH would willingly admit that of the two of us, I'm the one with the better eye for colour and decor. But I don't just go ahead and do exactly what I want. I run ideas past him first and if he really doesn't like them, we'll veto it and come to a compromise together. That's what a healthy relationship looks like.

Incidentally, blue is the accent colour throughout most of our home. It suits the east-facing light and also looks good in the very warm, south-facing main living area. It's never occurred to me to think it looks remotely 'masculine' (and husband/son humour the textures that soften it and also the candles, scented melts and soft lighting I like to fill the house with.

Of course, I know that is not the point. But the point I'm making is compromise. Without that, you have no balance in the relationship.

I'm sorry this thread has led to such painful realisations for you, but as you process this I hope you will draw strength from it. 💐

This is us too, everything in this house we both have chosen and liked. It's always me doing the finding and research and Pinterest, whatever else but if he doesn't like something it doesn't happen and vice versa. It means that often walls are left blank for years because we can't yet find something right for that spot but so be it.

I'm sorry to say but he sounds horrible, he doesn't consider you or how you feel at all :(

Jesus sweetheart, your updates are chilling to read. This is absolutely appalling and 100% abusive, not to mention disastrous for your dc to witness. Please approach women's aid and a solicitor for advice. Others will know more than I do about the logistics but you need to get away from this absolute lunatic. He needs locking up.

Have you talked about it?

Ah - sorry. Not read the whole post.

Oh - and I am very vocal if there is something I really don't like. So we sort of choose together but once we have decided on a main colour for the room I let him choose the accent colour if we are papering or having two colours in one room.

My choice really is quite shocking. I am sure I am colour blind!

This isn't about decorating. If you read the OP's updates, she is being abused.

If we are redecorating DH tends to choose the wallpaper and (unless we go a shade of magnolia) the general colour scheme of the room. We both know that my selection of colour is pretty rubbish!! I admit that I am pretty useless when it comes to putting colours together! We generally have a discussion where he pretends he is taking on board what colours I want but he always ends up choosing and I have to say, I am always really happy with it.

But when it comes to soft furnishings (cushions, bedding, accessories, etc) he couldnt care less so I chose all of them.

Pretty much how we do it too, but basically I get free rein to do what I like as long as he doesn’t have to be involved 😂

Oh my goodness when I read MN I sometimes think I've stepped into a time warp and I'm back in the 1950s.
I haven't read the thread, just your posts OP.
I'm old and I lived through and participated in some of the struggles for women's rights in the1970s and yet some women even now can't even gave a say in the decor of their own homes?? I truly despair.

So he’s the boss and you’re just his assistant enabling his choices?