Excluded from family holiday

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot so when your children grow up you will only love them if you feel you want to and will only interact with them if you feel like it?
Most of us carry on loving our children and want contact and a relationship with them.

Maybe the parent doesn't want to holiday with OP.
She's no longer a child that the parent has to accommodate and make everything equal to.

When we become adults families are no longer forced to interact with us and all relationships are based on mutual want and genuine love.

If that's not there then there's no actual argument to force adults to be together.

Guilt money - give me a break! My mam has been away with my sister and I've not been offered (nor expected!) "guilt money" to have a holiday of my own. The parent is not in the wrong but maybe they are being guilted by the OP.

@LolaJ87 Her own parent has excluded her from a family holiday.
The parent knows they are in the wrong so have offered her guilt money.

How have they been treated like shit by their parent? It sounds like their parent has offered them half their savings to afford the OP a holiday, which has been met with a complete lack of gratitude. Is the OP's parent not allowed a holiday unless OP is invited? These people are all adults.

You are completely reasonable to be upset. Whatever the family dynamics, it's not a nice thing to do - an honest discussion should have been had rather than just excluding you and then bunging you some guilt money.

Take the money. Take several steps back from them, as others have advised. Find your own people. I do like the idea of using the money to have a bit of a break somewhere - September is a lovely month, kids back at school, prices come down, weather still generally good - and send them pictures of beautiful views and smiley selfies having tea and cake!

You seem genuinely enraged by the idea of someone being angry at being excluded, but not by the act of exclusion itself. That is…unusual.

Also, thanks for the unsupported assumption that having a disability means she has an awful personality.

@Bedroomdilemmas113 the money is guilt money, it is not trying to meet her halfway at all. Meeting halfway would be her parent going on holiday with some siblings, and then going another holiday with OP.
The cash is just guilt money.

FFS she has been treated like shit by her own parent. I would be feeling hurt and a bit sorry for myself. Or are we supposed to be cheerful when we are treated badly?

They have NOT (based on the information you provided in your post) treated you like shit.

They just don’t want to go on holiday with you!!!

A holiday is quite an intimate thing, and they are notorious for causing long lasting fall outs between people who it turns out aren’t compatible on holiday.

This is probably why they haven’t invited you. You have described a tenuous relationship with at least one sibling. Being together on holiday is a LOT even for people who normally get on really well.

You are effectively forcing them into a corner where they can’t go away together even though they want to, because if you can’t go neither should they.

Is it hurtful? Yes, of course it is!

But they are not doing anything wrong. They probably feel deeply uncomfortable about it too, hence trying to meet halfway with money for you to do something you enjoy too.

I think it's really shitty of them. Is sibling two the golden child and you're the black sheep?

lm so sorry, this is a really crap situation and it must be unpleasant for everyone - I can’t imagine any parent is happy to be in this situation.

From some of your replies, it does seem like you create/increase problems and tension, perhaps unintentionally. You don’t have a great relationship and call out BS that other people don’t feel the need to - is it really there or is it because you just don’t get along that your sibling rubs you the wrong way? If you don’t get along with them, a holiday would probably be a bit much but I’d have a chat with your parent about how you’d like to be involved more going forward and how it can be more pleasant for all of you.

You can put whatever boundaries in place that feel healthy for you. But your boundaries cannot be ones that directly or indirectly control others - there is a reason they don’t want to holiday with you.

You’d be very reasonable if your resulting position is that this family dynamic is one which impacts your mental health negatively so you decide to take a step back and go low or no contact with them.

But you’re being unreasonable to suggest they’re wrong for going in the first place. Nobody has the right to control what others do.

If you have always been laid back and never been a problem, that’s at odds with how you initially described your sibling relationship… it is also at odds with them deliberately wanting to exclude you from the holiday.

But either way, they’ve made their feelings clear. When someone tells you who they are or how they feel, believe them.

Family doesn’t have to be defined by blood.

In your position,

1. Take the £500 - its guilt/shutup money, and I think you've earned it.
2. Then I'd text them, Something along the lines of "Dear Family. I'll admit I was hurt to hear I've been excluded from the family holiday. But on reflection, I now recognise you've done me a massive favour as the very last thing I would want to do is spend holiday time with people who don't want me there. It would be very uncomfortable for all concerned and I would find the experience deeply upsetting. So thank you for the honesty. Wishing you all an enjoyable relaxing holiday. All the best OP. "
3. book yourself a lovely city break whilst they are away.
4. take a massive step back from all of them and try to focus on people who are nice to you, new activities and making new friendships. You don't need this shit. Try not to focus on them. They are not good at relationships by the sound of it. Focus on yourself. What do you like to do, make a list of things that would be enjoyable.

Yes , it is a slightly passive agg message but all of it is true. And its still kinder than the patronising offer/explanation they sent you!!

From the sounds of it by the time they come back, they will all have fallen out with each other anyway. However pp speculate how difficult you are (or are not) what they have done is unkind, and they know it or they wouldn't try to pay you off so bin them off and have a lovely interesting weekend. Rome would be nice in September. Long weekend would be affordable and So much to see and do it would be a wonderful distraction.
Oh yes. Don't discuss what you are doing with the money. It's either yours or it isn't. In fact, I'd stay out of touch for a while, see if their behaviour towards you improves.

@notanothernamechange24 i would take the money offered, tell they they can keep the rest because they obviously do not want to give it to you and cut them all off with no contact. you obviously do not mean anything to them and the money being offered is guilt money!!

@notanothernamechange24 even on this thread you're coming across as quite negative and self-pitying though.

@Bedroomdilemmas113 of course it is about love. The money is just to ease their guilt because they know what they have done is wrong.
Siblings can do what they want, but for your parent to treat you like this is shit.
Treating your own children like this is what leads to estrangements.

I disagree with this - if this was the case money wouldn’t have been offered to ‘soften the blow’.

There’s a member of my immediate family who, due to the past, I cannot be around without internally really struggling. Waiting for the next problem, after a lifetime of firefighting. I love them, I hide it as well as I possibly can (by minimising interactions), and they are largely oblivious to how their behaviours growing up have impacted me - because they only see life from one perspective (their own).

There are two other family members who are older and have more ‘classic’ autistic traits. Everything needs to be a rigidly organised, tightly controlled or they can’t cope. They also can’t cope with changes to plans. We would never holiday together because it would be dreadful for all of us - me and my nuclear family are very easygoing and flexible so find the need to rigidly plan stressful and constricting, and them because without rigid routines they are inwardly distressed and miserable. Not holidaying together is nothing to do with love or lack of love and everything to do with completely clashing personalities and lifestyles. Neither of us is wrong, but it’s not a recipe for a fun holiday.

OP some families are shit. You need to try and build your own family. Good luck.

I don't think you should assume that you'd be invited.

It's clear from your original post and responses that you don't have a good relationship with your siblings or parent.

Do you make an effort to organise things and invite them to yours? Do you call them for chats and make an effort to see them and visit them? Do you organise family get togethers and invite them all? If you don't, why should they invite you on a holiday if you never make an effort with them. It sounds like it would be a bloody nightmare and not much of a holiday for anyone, especially you OP.

In any case why would you want to go on holiday with people you don't like - even if they are your family? There's obviously a lot of resentment and jealousy here OP that you probably need to get some support and help with. I hope you have some people close to you that you feel supported by.

Personally I would say no to the money and have very little to do with them. They have made it clear what they think of you.

So sorry OP - that is incredibly hurtful behaviour from your family. I don’t understand how any of them could think it reasonable.

Unfortunately I think all you can really do is try to explain how they’ve made you feel, and that you really felt as though your relationship with them was better than that.

Then take the £500 and do something nice for yourself. Do you have a close friend you could go out with and do something fun?