to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

What are your children learning from all this? Women/mums don't matter? Birthdays don't matter? Only men/dads matter?

As a husband who doesn't recognise birthdays I'd say do nothing - unless you really want to annoy him.

A birthday is just an arbitrary, random date with no significance whatsoever.

Having said that, I always get my wife a card and a present because she does attach some significance to them and I respect her feelings. I also send my older sister a card on her birthday, but only because it's January 1st and I remember the date. Other than those I've no idea when my parents' bithdays were, when my brother's was, and my neice and nephew.

I can't imagine anything worse than having my wife (or anyone else for that matter) celebrating what they think is a special or milestone birthday for me.

Waste of time, effort and probably money.

Just let mil you've got it all sorted then on the day tell her you did exactly what he asked for... Nothing.
She'll be appalled, he'll be relieved, the kids will be none the wiser unless he's actually not relieved and throws a strop.

He tends to moan saying he didn’t want anything or didn’t like the dc choice of cake etc. cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc. He says cards are a waste of money.

Don't do anything if that's how he thinks and behaves.

But he doesn't appreciate it! To the extent he criticises

Why do it at all?

I’d make sure he’s aware you are taking him at his word and then definitely just don’t do anything. Or mirror what he does for you (does he not even bother with a card?!).

I think it will be v interested to see whether he actually means “don’t bother” or if he’s just saying that, assuming you will actually do something but it’s a get out clause for him not to do anything for yours… I predict a strop from him because he actually does want you to do something.

@Appletreebee match his energy. If he questions it you can say ‘but we don’t celebrate each other’s birthdays do we?!’

I’m exhausted by the game playing already.

Please don't!

He's made it very clear what birthdays mean - nothing

And the fact that he's horrible about effort put in - absolutely no way.

Is he like that about other things?

This.

I used to have the same problem with my Ex Husband ( guess why he’s an ex ?). In the end I did nothing and my school aged kids didn’t even notice . I hadn’t realised that they didn’t know the date of anyone’s birthday, they were so used to me doing everything.

His birthday just passed without notice - the same as mine would have done if I didn’t arrange it all.

It was one of the very small nails in the coffin of our marriage .

He gets what he thinks is appropriate regarding birthdays

Nothing

I’d get a Colin Caterpillar that your kids will probably like and say you were thinking perhaps Nando’s for a special dinner 😃

Then it’s something, but nearly no effort on your part!!

He tends to moan saying he didn’t want anything or didn’t like the dc choice of cake etc. cards sometimes go unopened until afternoon from me and dc. He says cards are a waste of money. We are ok financially so that’s not a problem.

I wouldn’t bother. If he objects quote the above to him.
Gift yourself his birthday — go out with a girlfriend for cocktails, or posh afternoon tea, whatever you fancy.

Can’t stand birthdays or understand the fuss but each to there own

I do think milestone ones are slightly different I think the easiest think is to just ask him

as for your birthday if it’s a forced duty effort I’d sooner not have it

Off course match his energy. Why treat him better than he treats you?

I don't like birthdays either, and I would be ecstatic if no one made a fuss.
Unfortunately (not my DH or DC, who believe me when I say a thing) most people seem to think that I would be desperately disappointed too.

I don't understand why other people think they know more about how someone should feel than the person themselves.

I mean, let's twist this round.

I bet OP would secretly be really annoyed that she had a fuss made of her on her birthday, despite what she says. That's just as likely to be true.

You're both being unreasonable because you're both ignoring each other's reasonable requests and expectations.

I celebrate DH's birthday with making a cake, cards and presents from me and from the DC facilitated by me. For my birthday he entirely ignores it as is my preference.

It doesn't matter if the amount of effort is unequal, it matters that we both listen to each other and do what makes the other happy.

Generic cake from a supermarket so the kids can sing happy birthday to him and have a bit of cake, so more for them than for him.

Leave it in the kitchen in the box.

Good for you OP. Let us know how it goes on the day! I think despite all his grumbling in the past he'll be a bit hurt when you don't celebrate. And it will be good for him to feel that, because then he'll know how you feel

Well look at this way.

He doesn't want any fuss for his birthday and thinks cards are a waste of money.
You make a fuss and buy him a card anyway.

You would like a bit of a fuss and quite like cards.
He doesn't bother.

Both of you are as equally bad at not giving the other person what they want.

It sounds like you need to communicate better.

And no, don't do anything for his milestone birthday. It sounds like that would make him happy. But do, explain, that all he thinks birthdays are a waste of time, you would quite like xyz doing for yours, so it would be nice if he could do that?

If he’s not that interested in birthdays - and not everyone is - he’s not going to be as upset as you’d like him to be, is he?

On the contrary, he’ll probably be relieved that birthdays are no longer a big deal in your marriage.

It would be interesting to see how he reacts if you completely ignore it…

I genuinely dont understand relationships on mumsnet, so many post things and it makes me wonder why they are together.

I think its one thing to be forgetful or not realise something is important to someone else, but telling your partner something is important to you and them still ignoring it, they are telling you they dont care what is important to you. I just cant understand wanting to stay in a relationship with someone who is telling you they dont care.

Yes in this instance we are talking about a birthday but its just saying they dont care what is important to you. It doesnt matter how insignificant it is to them, if its important to the person you are supposed to care about, surely you make a little effort.

So he remembers his sister's & mother's birthdays but doesn't care about yours? Arsehole. Get him nothing. Arrange nothing.

If he reacts with (hypocritical) anger or hurt, you'll know that he really thinks he & his family are more important than you & you can decide what to do in terms of stay or bin him.