to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

I wouldn't bother. DH doesn't get me anything for my birthday, not even a happy birthday (he forgets them as it's genuinely not important to him). His birthday is now a non event too. Makes my life easier.

I organised a week away for my husband’s significant birthday, but when mine came round he did nothing. I haven’t done anything for his birthday since. If he couldn’t be bothered, neither could I.

It would avoid her looking like a mug.

That's great; as long as it isn't always one person doing it.

i think in a relationship you should do for your partner's birthday something they would want.

So he wants nothing: do nothing.
You, however, prefer to celebrate and have cards and presents. He should be doing that for you, mostly with your children to teach them about it.

So you have asked, he said no. So all fine.

So, he used to celebrate his birthday, his mum obviously expects him to be celebrating, he does something for other people’s birthdays just not the OP’s…he’s just a miserable arse! Does he turn into a sad-sack as soon as something where he’s not the centre of attention happens? New job…DC’s bday…anything that causes a fun, positive reaction from people that doesn’t have him at its core? He’s a miserable arse.

I’d have a conversation and say you’re not planning on doing anything as he clearly doesn’t like birthdays (not opening presents when they’re handed over is completely selfish and rude and as for ignoring what your children have just given you…😡) and see what he says. Bet you get a “Whatever…” THEN on the day he will have a monumental sulk when you do exactly as you said you would and he will go on and on and on to anyone and everyone who will listen telling them how you did nothing for his Significant Birthday. His Woe Is Me will be turned up to 11 and he’ll love it. It will actually be an amazing present as he’ll be able to milk it for months. He can be miserable about AND get sympathy for weeks!! MIL can even get in on the act. It will probably bring them closer together. Organise your own birthday treat next year. Don’t count on him for anything. Tell him he can come only if he doesn’t sit with a face like a smacked arse for the whole time. It’s your birthday that you want to celebrate. He doesn’t want to let you enjoy anything so sack him off. He can mope with his mum about how he’s been left on his own for the night. He’s Eeyore, isn’t he?! 😂

Healthy relationships don’t work like that. Even if he doesn’t care about his birthday, if he knows you care about yours. He should mark it in a way he knows you’ll enjoy.

You are your own person, not an appendage on him. If he can’t see you as your own person with your own likes and dislikes and priorities, then you have a problem.

I really think you need to change your perspective on this.

You both seem to be giving each other what YOU would want but the other doesn’t want. He doesn’t want a fuss, you make one. You want a fuss, he doesn’t make one.

Give him what he wants and don’t make a fuss. Don’t mistake what you would want with what you think he should want.

Do make it clear to him that you do want a fuss, and communicate your upset if he doesn’t deliver.

It’s literally that simple! You both need to stop treating the other how you would want to be treated and actually respect each other’s needs.

I really think you need to change your perspective on this.

You both seem to be giving each other what YOU would want but the other doesn’t want. He doesn’t want a fuss, you make one. You want a fuss, he doesn’t make one.

Give him what he wants and don’t make a fuss. Don’t mistake what you would want with what you think he should want.

Do make it clear to him that you do want a fuss, and communicate your upset if he doesn’t deliver.

It’s literally that simple! You both need to stop treating the other how you would want to be treated and actually respect each other’s needs.

He sounds like a shit.

Only a shit would ignore birthday cards from his kids.

I think you have more than a birthday problem and you don't have to live like this.

Haven't read all the replies..

Make this milestone birthday a milestone for you to...

From now on no more going out of your way to celebrate anything that isn't going to be appreciated by the recipient.

Arrange something for your own birthdays instead of his.

Last year after DH had made absolutely no effort for my birthday, I did absolutely nothing for his. Got him a card and a voucher for his golf pro shop and gave him that at breakfast with a breezy Happy Birthday, dear. As the day ticked on and our DC didn't arrive, no BBQ or party appeared out of thin air and no cake he looked more and more confused. When he went to bed, he said "it's been a sad day" to which I replied "yes it is, isn't it when someone doesn't make any effort". He's been A LOT more thoughtful since.....

I wouldn't bother celebrating his, sounds like he won't be bothered either. If you want to celebrate yours, you should find some friends who are happy to help you celebrate.

Birthday discussion scroll down to the 'women lose twice ' bit. The modelling of behaviour, etc

how about countering any negative energy with warmth and a smile ?

100% match his energy.

I would tell him now that you noted he didn't want to do anything. He is forewarned that you are not doing anything so can't complain.

He sounds narcissistic, I'm not surprised you're feeling fed up.

When my DH and i first got together, i realised that birthdays were not a big thing at all to him or in his family. I on the other hand, like to have a bit of fuss made of me for that one special day in the year. So i explained that to him, and he has stepped up every time since, with flowers, gift, including going to Florence for one of my 'big' birthdays. in return we always do something for his, usually low key, like meal or day out, no expensive presents but nice card and a thoughtful gift. Your differences about this can be dealt with by communicating what you want. It doesn't have to be the same as what he wants.

Why? He's not a child who might change their mind and be disappointed, he's an adult who should be able to articulate what they want.

I think it would be mean spirited and childish not to organise something lovely for his birthday.

I'd really recommend you organise something that you'd absolutely love to do. If he doesn't love it, ah well just take the kids and leave him home. You can have a really lovely time celebrating his birthday without him.

My DP would give me the "world" literally , but forgets birthdays including HIS OWN.

YANBU if he has not bothered then you don’t bother either.

I'm 100% for this. I've done the same for fathers day and that really hit home. He's made a lot more of an effort since.

This is such an important point!

OP: take the money and time and thought you would have spent on your H and put it to a wham-bam celebration for yourself. And give yourself a half year extra celebration (my grandparents did that for their children) to make up for your stingy parents. Teach your children to celebrate themselves and you and to do for those they love. This is a huge gift you will give them. Bigger than a material thing or a card (I hate cards!) is showing them how we celebrate those we love.

If your DH doesn’t care to be celebrated that’s fine. But he is not excused from being loving and thoughtful about what you, his wife, have said you need.