to not do anything for dh birthday because he doesn’t do anything for mine?

i make my own arrangements if it is my birthday

Hmm so his mum doesn't know about this hatred of birthdays then? When you do say that to her will be interesting to see what she says - is this a new thing or will she say but he loved birthdays before he met you.

Is your marriage absolutely hunky dory in all other ways.

To the posters saying she should respect his wishes and do nothing, surely that means he should respect hers and do something.

I wonder why you are felling bad op, that's an interesting one to explore - feeling bad for not doing something that someone has said they don't want you to do.

No, I'd treat him just as he treats you. He can't complain about that.

But it sounds like there are bigger problems in your relationship, and this is a miserable way to life. You deserve a partner who will celebrate your birthdays!!

Do fuck all for his birthday as he’s thoughtless and selfish.

My DH has always been the same. Nothing planned ahead for mine, like he's caught out when it arrives on the same day every year. Reluctantly offers me a last minute thing he's borrowed a few quid for from someone, and that's only since our DCs were old enough to notice the disparity. I always produced thoughtful gifts aplenty and organised a get together or larger event for special birthdays. Not any more.

Last year was a special one and he did his usual "I don't expect anything, not fussed about it, don't want anything" thing. Which, he forgets having said if anyone took him seriously. So I did, he'd told everyone he didn't want to bother, as usual, and I told the family I was going to respect his wishes from now on. Most of the family listened too. Suffice to say, he was not impressed.

It may seem petty to some, but I'm just tired of decades of this nonsense, especially when my birthday was completely ignored for years and is only an afterthought now.

This post made me want to eat wotsits.

I.agree.with this.
My husband likes very little done for his birthday -a nice takeaway is often his first / only choice.
I like to do something more e.g. something with friends /.family.
After a few crashing disappointments I now organise something I want and pay for it for.eveyone e.g. walk and pub lunch.
I have much better birthdays now, but it took me a long time to get there.
I had to let go of the expectation that he'd do something, but honestly,, I have much a better day.

Really each of you should respect what the other wants. Ie you should not buy anything for his birthday but he should acknowledge yours. That’s not going to happen so second best:

Take the approach that you are giving him the gift of freedom from having to reciprocate on your birthday by giving him absolutely nothing on his. Not even an acknowledgement that it is his birthday.

However just because he won’t celebrate yours doesn’t mean that your birthday will go past with nothing. Every year you will make plans to celebrate yourself or with friends. Book a solo spa day and take yourself off. He has no right to complain. After all you have given him the courtesy of respecting his wishes, he should do the same for you.

In some ways I want to say don't lower yourself to his standards, but on the other hand, I don't think I'd rabbit to recognise his birthday is he never recognised mine.

So I'm sorry, I've not been much, I'd any, help at all. 😕

Lots of people feel like this. I have for decades. I remember on my 16th I didn't have to leave for school as early as usual as it was a GCSE day but I couldn't face the pile of presents I knew was downstairs so hid in my room till as late as possible then ran out the front door.

I've managed to get my birthday down to zero presents now. Still working on Christmas. Usually manage to persuade in-laws that whatever DH wants is what I want as a joint present so I don't have to open anything.

Cards I open in private and keep hidden under a pile of books till I feel enough days have passed so I can put them in the recycling.

Give him nothing that’s his wish . Do go and treat yourself tho 🙂

I'd do absolutely nothing. What can he say it's what he wants so 😊

I wouldn't do it in a tit for tat way, however I would have a calm conversation about how you and your family together celebrate each other's birthdays.

Definitely do nothing

So he celebrated birthdays before you met him.

He remembers his mum and sisters birthday.

He does absolutely nothing for your birthday.

You've continued to buy him cards and presents which he complains about.

I'd never acknowledge his birthday again.

I'd also plan my own birthday with friends etc.

Yup. I'm thinking this is about control, the reaction to the presents and cards, doing nothing for OP.

By not doing anything for him OP is going to be taking some control herself and I suspect he may be apoplectic. Stand firm OP and stick 100% to the idea that you did it because birthdays aren't important to him and he doesn't enjoy his. Practise your 'butter wouldn't melt' innocent face.

Dh couldn’t care less about birthdays, he still makes a big fuss over the cake Dd chooses and the card she makes for him. Your husband is really selfish,

Just don’t do anything, he doesn’t want it, he’s been saying he doesn’t want it for years, so do that.

He’s clearly said he wants nothing so do nothing. Why on earth do you bother every year when he does fuck all for you? It’s ridiculous! Do as he says and as the poster above says, organise something lovely for your own. Be brave, @Appletreebee and don’t get anything for him. How long has this gone on?! Do you see how uneven it is in his favour? Particularly when he does stuff for his mum/sister? Does he give a shit about you?

I love to celebrate birthday. My ex husband made very little effort for my birthday, he never got me a cake, I always had to buy my own cake. It seems that i must have been me the problem because he buy a cake for his new partner, asking everyone where he can buy a cake, even asked my son to bake one which he refused to do. I perfectly understand how you feel, it is hurtful when someone you love makes no effort.

But then he should "adjust" by making an effort for her birthdays.

Very well said. Just do nothing this year. You'll learn quickly whether he genuinely doesn't care about it or is lazy (please report back...).

He sounds a delight. I definitely wouldn't bother.

Why not celebrate yourself on his birthday? Do something nice which he can join or not.

I don't buy that @Appletreebee is forcing her husband to celebrate his birthday. I reckon if she did nothing at all for it, which she absolutely should, he'll have a blue fit. Try it. You'll soon know his real feelings on the subject.

What?🙄