To say they are silly not to do this ?

Unless your friend has asked you to post this, it isn’t any of your business

This has happened in my family. Parents retired to remote countryside, without apparently grasping that they’d get very old with time. One died, but the other remains there and refused a suggestion to move. I saw it coming and it’s exactly as I feared it would be: very elderly and frail; marooned, really. Entirely predictable.

If hubby hadn't met me he would probably still be at home supported by his parents. However his parents are still always there for him- it's called parenting. And parenting a child with SEN is different- just because they are over 18 doesn't mean your parenting is done- as they often need more support and longer to get them ready for independent living. Hubby had a full time job but couldn't have actually lived independently without support- still couldnt- as cleaning and cooking is a struggle- reheating food in plastic containers in the aga is one example but there are many more...

1. Provide a job for their child, with an employer that won't find a way of sacking her as soon as they realise she's disabled. 2) Make sure she earns enough to rent and cover everything she needs in her own house or flat. 3) Provide people (professionals or not) who will always be there to support their child and pay for these people if needed 4) Or, instead of 3, provide reliable, accessible transport that goes from their rural dream home to everywhere the daughter needs to go for free.

If you don't want to do this, expect them to think you are horrible to want them to leave their daughter not getting the support she needs from them or the underfunded overstretched system, and be happy when they never talk to you again. I can guarantee that they want their daughter to live in a world where she can make it on her own, but if that world doesn't exist, and they don't want their daughter to fail to manage alone on benefits, with no social life, then they have no choice.

This.

My relative moved to a rural idyllic location at nearly 70, and 6 months later developed a health issue which was livable with but prevented him driving. Massively limited quality of life and isolating in a way it wouldn't have been if he'd remained where he lived before.

Another voice of reason/dissent here. We live rurally, elderly PILs close by, and it’s a sodding nightmare. Old people need to be near facilities not expecting everyone else to take them to everything. I know people have this idea of retiring to the countryside but the reality is it’s a stupid idea.

As for the DD, mind your business.

I have a disabled son now in his 30s, who lives at home. Nobody knows what it is like, what his challenges are, what his strengths are, not my closest friends and family, not his doctors. So much cannot be put into words. I would feel very upset if one of my friends, even my lifelong friends, made judgements or thought they knew better than me as to the best thing for us. So my advice would be to say nothing but support your friend once she has made her own decisions.

I'm sure your friend has given it all due consideration and is aware of the options for her daughter's transport.

Agreed.

My parents lived in a rural area and when my dad could no longer drive, it was very difficult. A six hour round trip by bus to attend a hospital appointment.

Curious about this - them not wanting to give her a deposit… why is this? Obviously they aren’t obliged to do so but they also must understand that their DD can’t move out on her own and as such is staying with them. Can they afford it? If they can why would they not want to help her move out and gain some independence? Do they want her to stay living with them, is that their plan?

Totally agree with this. It was what I was going to say. She'll need to live closer to facilities, public transport and amenities as she ages, not further away and in the arse end of nowhere.

If your friend really wants to move, has her dd looked at applying for social housing? I know it's unheard of for the average 37 yr old to qualify, but as she has disabilities it might be different.

FWIW I think moving somewhere rural when you're older is a bit bonkers. Surely that's when you need to be closer to facilities not further away.

Not even close scenarios. There's 20 years between your son and the friend's daughter for a start. There was also no suggestion of needing supported accommodation, only that she can't save enough to move out.

Has she asked you what she should do?

My friends make decisions that seem to me unwise on a regular basis (and also make perfectly valid decisions that turn out disastrously, through no fault of theirs), but unless they say the words 'What do you think I should do?' I just support their choices.

not your business, keep nose and opinions to yourself.

I’m pretty sure love for her daughter who is doing her best will overcome any supposed ‘resentment’ your friend will feel. Yes it may hurt sometimes but that’s life and love. I understand you want your friend to be happy, but I have to agree with the pp who said you sound heartless about it :(

OK, but what's that got to do with you? It's up to your friend.

You sound like the person who said I should put my 17 yr ASC child in supported accommodation - so I could go abroad & have the retirement I deserved.
I actually felt physically sick - one day they might be able to cope & one day they might want to but to just dump run
NO

You're projecting. There's places I'd prefer to live than where I currently do. But there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be than close to my adult DC and my home would be theirs as long as they wanted it. I'd never feel a moments resentment as to me a place is just a place, it's people that matter. So we're all different.

I know this is an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet where the moment a child turns 18 they're no longer their parent's problem, but my daughter will always be my daughter and I would never do something that might create hardship or difficulty for her if it could be avoided.

Maybe my view on that will change as she grows up, but right now I can't imagine going "right you make your own arrangements, disabled daughter, I'm off to live in Little Bangleton-on-the-Wovy, good luck!"

Regardless, if your friend hasn't actually asked for your opinion, in this case I think you should keep it to yourself.

NYB.

Has your friend asked you for your opinion or just mentioned her plans?

DS is 19 and has physical disabilities and is unlikely to ever move out unless he can get supported accommodation with a 24 hour care team (moon on a stick situation around here) . I'd like to move abroad one day but that's unlikely to happen as DS's needs will always come first.

I voted YANBU to express an opinion but your friend can just ignore you.